2 new+moon新月-第13部分

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〃Hey；　Dad。〃　I　flashed　him　a　grin。　

Shock　flitted　across　his　face　before　he　pulled　his　expression　together。　〃Hey；　honey；〃　he　said；　his　voice　
uncertain。　〃Did　you　have　fun　with　Jacob？〃　

I　started　moving　the　food　to　the　table。　〃Yeah；　I　did。〃　

〃Well；　that's　good。〃　He　was　still　cautious。　〃What　did　you　two　do？〃　

Now　it　was　my　turn　to　be　cautious。　〃I　hung　out　in　his　garage　and　watched　him　work。　Did　you　know　he's　
rebuilding　a　Volkswagen？〃　

〃Yeah；　I　think　Billy　mentioned　that。〃　

The　interrogation　had　to　stop　when　Charlie　began　chewing；　but　he　continued　to　study　my　face　as　he　ate。　

After　dinner；　I　dithered　around；　cleaning　the　kitchen　twice；　and　then　did　my　homework　slowly　in　the　front　
room　while　Charlie　watched　a　hockey　game。　I　waited　as　long　as　I　could；　but　finally　Charlie　mentioned　the　
late　hour。　When　I　didn't　respond；　he　got　up；　stretched；　and　then　left；　turning　out　the　light　behind　him。　
Reluctantly；　I　followed。　

As　I　climbed　the　stairs；　I　felt　the　last　of　the　afternoon's　abnormal　sense　of　wellbeing　drain　from　my　
system；　replaced　by　a　dull　fear　at　the　thought　of　what　I　was　going　to　have　to　live　through　now。　

I　wasn't　numb　anymore。　Tonight　would；　no　doubt；　be　as　horrific　as　last　night。　I　lay　down　on　my　bed　and　
curled　into　a　ball　in　preparation　for　the　onslaught。　I　squeezed　my　eyes　shut　and…　the　next　thing　I　next　I　
knew；　it　was　morning。　

I　stared　at　the　pale　silver　light　ing　through　my　window；　stunned。　

For　the　first　time　in　more　than　four　months；　I'd　slept　without　dreaming。　Dreaming　or　screaming。　I　couldn't　
tell　which　emotion　was　stronger—the　relief　or　the　shock。　

I　lay　still　in　my　bed　for　a　few　minutes；　waiting　for　it　to　e　back。　Because　something　must　be　ing。　If　
not　the　pain；　then　the　numbness。　I　waited；　but　nothing　happened。　I　felt　more　rested　than　I　had　in　a　long　
time。　

I　didn't　trust　this　to　last。　It　was　a　slippery；　precarious　edge　that　I　balanced　on；　and　it　wouldn't　take　much　
to　knock　me　back　down。　Just　glancing　around　my　room　with　these　suddenly　clear　eyes—noticing　how　
strange　it　looked；　too　tidy；　like　I　didn't　live　here　at　all—was　dangerous。　

I　pushed　that　thought　from　my　mind；　and　concentrated；　as　I　got　dressed；　on　the　fact　that　I　was　going　to　
see　Jacob　again　today。　The　thought　made　me　feel　almost…　hopeful。　Maybe　it　would　be　the　same　as　
yesterday。　Maybe　I　wouldn't　have　to　remind　myself　to　look　interested　and　to　nod　or　smile　at　appropriate　
intervals；　the　way　I　had　to　with　everyone　else。　Maybe…　but　I　wouldn't　trust　this　to　last；　either。　Wouldn't　
trust　it　to　be　the　same—so　easy—as　yesterday。　I　wasn't　going　to　set　myself　up　for　disappointment　like　
that。　

At　breakfast；　Charlie　was　being　careful；　too。　He　tried　to　hide　his　scrutiny；　keeping　his　eyes　on　his　eggs　
until　he　thought　I　wasn't　looking。　

〃What　are　you　up　to　today？〃　he　asked；　eyeing　a　loose　thread　on　the　edge　of　his　cuff　like　he　wasn't　paying　
much　attention　to　my　answer。　

〃I'm　going　to　hang　out　with　Jacob　again。〃　

He　nodded　without　looking　up。　〃Oh；〃　he　said。　

〃Do　you　mind？〃　I　pretended　to　worry。　〃I　could　stay…〃　

He　glanced　up　quickly；　a　hint　of　panic　in　his　eyes。　〃No；　no！　You　go　ahead。　Harry　was　going　to　e　up　
to　watch　the　game　with　me　anyway。〃　

〃Maybe　Harry　could　give　Billy　a　ride　up；〃　I　suggested。　The　fewer　witnesses　the　better。　

〃That's　a　great　idea。〃　

I　wasn't　sure　if　the　game　was　just　an　excuse　for　kicking　me　out；　but　he　looked　excited　enough　now。　He　
headed　to　the　phone　while　I　donned　my　rain　jacket。　I　felt　selfconscious　with　the　checkbook　shoved　in　
my　jacket　pocket。　It　was　something　I　never　used。　

Outside；　the　rain　came　down　like　water　slopped　from　a　bucket。　I　had　to　drive　more　slowly　than　I　wanted　
to；　I　could　hardly　see　a　car　length　in　front　of　the　truck。　But　I　finally　made　it　through　the　muddy　lanes　to　
Jacob's　house。　Before　I'd　killed　the　engine；　the　front　door　opened　and　Jacob　came　running　out　with　a　
huge　black　umbrella。　

He　held　it　over　my　door　while　I　opened　it。　

〃Charlie　called—said　you　were　on　your　way；〃　Jacob　explained　with　a　grin。　

Effortlessly；　without　a　conscious　mand　to　the　muscles　around　my　lips；　my　answering　smile　spread　
across　my　face。　A　strange　feeling　of　warmth　bubbled　up　in　my　throat；　despite　the　icy　rain　splattering　on　
my　cheeks。　

〃Hi；　Jacob。〃　

〃Good　call　on　inviting　Billy　up。〃　He　held　up　his　hand　for　a　high　five。　

I　had　to　reach　so　high　to　slap　his　hand　that　he　laughed。　

Harry　showed　up　to　get　Billy　just　a　few　minutes　later。　Jacob　took　me　on　a　brief　tour　of　his　tiny　room　
while　we　waited　to　be　unsupervised。　

〃So　where　to；　Mr。　Goodwrench？〃　I　asked　as　soon　as　the　door　closed　behind　Billy。　

Jacob　pulled　a　folded　paper　out　of　his　pocket　and　smoothed　it　out。　〃We'll　start　at　the　dump　first；　see　if　
we　can　get　lucky。　This　could　get　a　little　expensive；〃　he　warned　me。　〃Those　bikes　are　going　to　need　a　lot　
of　help　before　they'll　run　again。〃　My　face　didn't　look　worried　enough；　so　he　continued。　〃I'm　talking　about　
maybe　more　than　a　hundred　dollars　here。〃　

I　pulled　my　checkbook　out；　fanned　myself　with　it；　and　rolled　my　eyes　at　his　worries。　〃We're　covered。〃　

It　was　a　very　strange　kind　of　day。　I　enjoyed　myself。　Even　at　the　dump；　in　the　slopping　rain　and　
ankledeep　mud。　I　wondered　at　first　if　it　was　just　the　aftershock　of　losing　the　numbness；　but　I　didn't　think　
that　was　enough　of　an　explanation。　

I　was　beginning　to　think　it　was　mostly　Jacob。　It　wasn't　just　that　he　was　always　so　happy　to　see　me；　or　
that　he　didn't　watch　me　out　of　the　corner　of　his　eye；　waiting　for　me　to　do　something　that　would　mark　me　
as　crazy　or　depressed。　It　was　nothing　that　related　to　me　at　all。　

It　was　Jacob　himself。　Jacob　was　simply　a　perpetually　happy　person；　and　he　carried　that　happiness　with　
him　like　an　aura；　sharing　it　with　whoever　was　near　him。　Like　an　earthbound　sun；　whenever　someone　was　
within　his　gravitational　pull；　Jacob　warmed　them。　It　was　natural；　a　part　of　who　he　was。　No　wonder　I　was　
so　eager　to　see　him。　

Even　when　he　mented　on　the　gaping　hole　in　my　dashboard；　it　didn't　send　me　into　a　panic　like　it　
should　have。　

〃Did　the　stereo　break？〃　he　wondered。　

〃Yeah；〃　I　lied。　

He　poked　around　in　the　cavity。　〃Who　took　it　out？　There's　a　lot　of　damage…〃　

〃I　did；〃　I　admitted。　

He　laughed。　〃Maybe　you　shouldn't　touch　the　motorcycles　too　much。〃　

〃No　problem。〃　

According　to　Jacob；　we　did　get　lucky　at　the　dump。　He　was　very　excited　about　several　greaseblackened　
pieces　of　twisted　metal　that　he　found；　I　was　just　impressed　that　he　could　tell　what　they　were　supposed　to　
be。　

From　there　we　went　to　the　Checker　Auto　Parts　down　in　Hoquiam。　In　my　truck；　it　was　more　than　a　two　
hour　drive　south　on　the　winding　freeway；　but　the　time　passed　easily　with　Jacob。　He　chattered　about　his　
friends　and　his　school；　and　I　found　myself　asking　questions；　not　even　pretending；　truly　curious　to　hear　
what　he　had　to　say。　

〃I'm　doing　all　the　talking；〃　he　plained　after　a　long　story　about　Quil　and　the　trouble　he'd　stirred　up　by　
asking　out　a　senior's　steady　girlfriend。　〃Why　don't　you　take　a　turn？　What's　going　on　in　Forks？　It　has　to　be　
more　exciting　than　La　Push。〃　

〃Wrong；〃　I　sighed。　〃There's　really　nothing。　Your　friends　are　a　lot　more　interesting　than　mine。　I　like　your　
friends。　Quil's　funny。〃　

He　frowned。　〃I　think　Quil　likes　you；　too。〃　

I　laughed。　〃He's　a　little　young　for　me。〃　

Jacob's　frown　deepened。　〃He's　not　that　much　younger　than　you。　It's　just　a　year　and　a　few　months。〃　

I　had　a　feeling　we　weren't　talking　about　Quil　anymore。　I　kept　my　voice　light；　teasing。　〃Sure；　but；　
considering　the　difference　in　maturity　between　guys　and　girls；　don't　you　have　to　count　that　in　dog　years？　
What　does　that　make　me；　about　twelve　years　older？〃　

He　laughed；　rolling　his　eyes。　〃Okay；　but　if　you're　going　to　get　picky　like　that；　you　have　to　average　in　size；　
too。　You're　so　small；　I'll　have　to　knock　ten　years　off　your　total。〃　

〃Five　foot　four　is　perfectly　average。〃　I　sniffed。　〃It's　not　my　fault　you're　a　freak。〃　

We　bantered　like　that　till　Hoquiam；　still　arguing　over　the　correct　formula　to　determine　age—I　lost　two　
more　years　because　I　didn't　know　how　to　change　a　tire；　but　gained　one　back　for　being　in　charge　of　the　
bookkeeping　at　my　house—until　we　were　in　Checker；　and　Jacob　had　to　concentrate　again。　We　found　
everything　left　on　his　list；　and　Jacob　felt　confident　that　he　could　make　a　lot　of　progress　with　our　haul。　

By　the　time　we　got　back　to　La　Push；　I　was　twentythree　and　he　was　thirty—he　was　definitely　weighting　
skills　in　his　favor。　

I　hadn't　forgotten　the　reason　for　what　I　was　doing。　And；　even　though　I　was　enjoying　myself　more　than　I'd　
thought　possible；　there　was　no　lessening　of　my　original　desire。　I　still　wanted　to　cheat。　It　was　senseless；　
and　I　really　didn't　care。　I　was　going　to　be　as　reckless　as　I　could　possibly　manage　in　Forks。　I　would　not　
be　the　only　keeper　of　an　empty　contract。　Getting　to　spend　time　with　Jacob　was　just　a　much　bigger　perk　
than　I'd　expected。　

Billy　wasn't　back　yet；　so　we　didn't　have　to　be　sneaky　about　unloading　our　day's　spoils。　As　soon　as　we　
had　everything　laid　out　on　the　plastic　floor　next　to　Jacob's　toolbox；　he　went　right　to　work；　still　talking　and　
laughing　while　his　fingers　bed　expertly　through　the　metal　pieces　in　front　of　him。　

Jacob's　skill　with　his　hands　was　fascinating。　They　looked　too　big　for　the　delicate　tasks　they　performed　
with　ease　and　precision。　While　he　worked；　he　seemed　almost　graceful。　Unlike　when　he　was　on　his　feet；　
there；　his　height　and　big　feet　made　him　nearly　as　dangerous　as　I　was。　

Quil　and　Embry　did　not　show　up；　so　maybe　his　threat　yesterday　had　been　taken　seriously。　

The　day　passed　too　quickly。　It　got　dark　outside　the　mouth　of　the　garage　before　I　was　expecting　it；　and　
then　we　heard　Billy　calling　for　us。　

I　jumped　up　to　help　Jacob　put　things　away；　hesitating　because　I　wasn't　sure　what　I　should　touch。　

〃Just　leave　it；〃　he　said。　〃I'll　work　on　it　later　tonight。〃　

〃Don't　forget　your　schoolwork　or　anything；〃　I　said；　feeling　a　little　guilty。　I　didn't　want　him　to　get　in　trouble。　
That　plan　was　just　for　me。　

〃Bella？〃　

Both　our　heads　snapped　up　as　Charlie's　familiar　voice　wafted　through　the　trees；　sounding　closer　than　the　
house。　

〃Shoot；〃　I　muttered。　〃ing！〃　I　yelled　toward　the　house。　

〃Let's　go。〃　Jacob　smiled；　enjoying　the　cloakanddagger。　He　snapped　the　light　off；　and　for　a　moment　I　
was　blind。　Jacob　grabbed　my　hand　and　towed　me　out　of　the　garage　and　through　the　trees；　his　feet　finding　
the　familiar　path　easily。　His　hand　was　rough；　and　very　warm。　

Despite　the　path；　we　were　both　tripping　over　our　feet　in　the　darkness。　So　we　were　also　both　laughing　
when　the　house　came　into　view。　The　laughter　did　not　go　deep；　it　was　light　and　superficial；　but　still　nice。　I　
was　sure　he　wouldn't　notice　the　faint　hint　of　hysteria。　I　wasn't　used　to　laughing；　and　it　felt　right　and　also　
very　wrong　at　the　same　time。　

Charlie　was　standing　under　the　little　back　porch；　and　Billy　was　sitting　in　the　doorway　behind　them。　

〃Hey；　Dad；〃　we　both　said　at　the　same　time；　and　that　started　us　laughing　again。　

Charlie　stared　at　me　with　wide　eyes　that　flashed　down　to　note　Jacob's　hand　around　mine。　

〃Billy　invited　us　for　dinner；〃　Charlie　said　to　us　in　an　absentminded　tone。　

〃My　super　secret　recipe　for　spaghetti。　Handed　down　for　generations；〃　Billy　said　gravely。　

Jacob　snorted。　〃I　don't　think　Ragu's　actually　been　around　that　long。〃　

The　house　was　crowded。　Harry　Clearwater　was　there；　too；　with　his　family—his　wife；　Sue；　whom　I　knew　
vaguely　from　my　childhood　summers　in　Forks；　and　his　two　children。　Leah　was　a　senior　like　me；　but　a　
year　older。　She　was　beautiful　in　an　exotic　way—perfect　copper　skin；　glistening　black　hair；　eyelashes　like　
feather　dusters—and　preoccupied。　She　was　on　Billy's　phone　when　we　got　in；　and　she　never　let　it　go。　
Seth　was　fourteen；　he　hung　on　Jacob's　every　word　with　idolizing　eyes。　

There　were　too　many　of　us　for　the　kitchen　table；　so　Charlie　and　Harry　brought　chairs　out　to　the　yard；　and　
we　ate　spaghetti　off　plates　on　our　laps　in　the　dim　light　from　Billy's　open　door。　The　men　talked　about　the　
game；　and　Harry　and　Charlie　made　fishing　plans。　Sue　teased　her　husband　about　his　cholesterol　and　tried；　
unsuccessfully；　to　shame　him　into　eating　something　green　and　leafy。　Jacob　talked　mostly　to　me　and　Seth；　
who　interrupted　eagerly　whenever　Jacob　seemed　in　danger　of　forgetting　him。　Charlie　watched　me；　trying　
to　be　inconspicuous　about　it；　with　pleased　but　cautious　eyes。　

It　was　loud　and　sometimes　confusing　as　everyone　talked　over　everyone　else；　and　the　laughter　from　one　
joke　interrupted　the　telling　of　another。　I　didn't　have　to　speak　often；　but　I　smiled　a　lot；　and　only　because　I　
felt　like　it。　

I　didn't　want　to　leave。　

This　was　Washington；　though；　and　the　inevitable　rain　eventually　broke　up　the　party；　Billy's　living　room　
was　much　too　small　to　provide　an　option　for　continuing　the　gettogether。　Harry　had　driven　Charlie　down；　
so　we　rode　together　in　my　truck　on　the　way　back　home。　He　asked　about　my　day；　and　I　told　mostly　the　
truth—that　I'd　gone　with　Jacob　to　look　at　parts　and　then　watched　him　work　in　his　garage。　

〃You　think　you'll　visit　again　anytime　soon？〃　he　wondered；　trying　to　be　casual　about　it。　

〃Tomorrow　after　school；〃　I　admitted。　〃I'll　take　homework；　don't　worry。〃　

〃You　be　sure　to　do　that；〃　he　ordered；　trying　to　disguise　his　satisfaction。　

I　was　nervous　when　we　got　to　the　house。　I　didn't　want　to　go　upstairs。　The　warmth　of　Jacob's　presence　
was　fading　and；　in　its　absence；　the　anxiety　grew　stronger。　I　was　sure　I　wouldn't　get　away　with　two　
peaceful　nights　of　sleep　in　a　row。　

To　put　bedtime　off；　I　checked　my　email；　there　was　a　new　message　from　Renee。　

She　wrote　about　her　day；　a　new　book　club　that　rilled　the　time　slot　of　the　meditation　classes　she'd　just　
quit；　her　week　subbing　in　the　second　grade；　missing　her　kindergarteners。　She　wrote　that　Phil　was　
enjoying　his　new　coaching　job；　and　that　they　were　planning　a　second　honeymoon　trip　to　Disney　World。　

And　I　noticed　that　the　whole　thing　read　like　a　journal　entry；　rather　than　a　letter　to　someone　else。　Remorse　
flooded　through　me；　leaving　an　unfortable　sting　behind。　Some　daughter　I　was。　

I　wrote　back　to　her　quickly；　menting　on　each　part　of　her　letter；　volunteering　information　of　my　
own—describing　the　spaghetti　party　at　Billy's　and　how　I　felt　watching　Jacob　build　useful　things　out　of　
small　pieces　of　metal—awed　and　slightly　envious。　I　made　no　reference　to　the　change　this　letter　would　be　

from　the　ones　she'd　received　in　the　last　several　months。　I　could　barely　remember　what　I'd　written　to　her　
even　as　recently　as　last　week；　but　I　was　sure　it　wasn't　very　responsive。　The　more　I　thought　about　it；　the　
guiltier　I　felt；　I　really　must　have　worried　her。　

I　stayed　up　extra　late　after　that；　finishing　more　homework　than　strictly　necessary。　But　neither　sleep　
deprivation　nor　the　time　spent　with　Jacob—being　almost　happy　in　a　shallow　kind　of　way—could　keep　
the　dream　away　for　two　nights　in　a　row。　

I　woke　shuddering；　my　scream　muffled　by　the　pillow。　

As　the　dim　morning　light　filtered　through　the　fog　outside　my　window；　I　lay　still　in　bed　and　tried　to　shake　
off　the　dream。　There　had　been　a　small　difference　last　night；　and