2 new+moon新月-第4部分

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squeamishness　get　the　best　of　me。　There　was　no　pain　now；　just　a　gentle　tugging　sensation　that　I　tried　to　
ignore。　No　reason　to　get　sick　like　a　baby。　

If　she　hadn't　been　in　my　line　of　sight；　I　wouldn't　have　noticed　Alice　give　up　and　steal　out　of　the　room。　
With　a　tiny；　apologetic　smile　on　her　lips；　she　disappeared　through　the　kitchen　doorway。　

〃Well；　that's　everyone；〃　I　sighed。　〃I　can　clear　a　room；　at　least。〃　

〃It's　not　your　fault；〃　Carlisle　forted　me　with　a　chuckle。　〃It　could　happen　to　anyone。〃　

〃Could〃　I　repeated。　〃But　it　usually　just　happens　to　me。〃　

He　laughed　again。　

His　relaxed　calm　was　only　more　amazing　set　in　direct　contrast　with　everyone　else's　reaction。　I　couldn't　
find　any　trace　of　anxiety　in　his　face。　He　worked　with　quick；　sure　movements。　The　only　sound　besides　our　
quiet　breathing　was　the　soft　plink；　plink　as　the　tiny　fragments　of　glass　dropped　one　by　one　to　the　table。　

〃How　can　you　do　this？〃　I　demanded。　〃Even　Alice　and　Esme…〃　I　trailed　off；　shaking　my　head　in　wonder。　
Though　the　rest　of　them　had　given　up　the　traditional　diet　of　vampires　just　as　absolutely　as　Carlisle　had；　he　
was　the　only　one　who　could　bear　the　smell　of　my　blood　without　suffering　from　the　intense　temptation。　
Clearly；　this　was　much　more　difficult　than　he　made　it　seem。　

〃Years　and　years　of　practice；〃　he　told　me。　〃I　barely　notice　the　scent　anymore。〃　

〃Do　you　think　it　would　be　harder　if　you　took　a　vacation　from　the　hospital　for　a　long　time。　And　weren't　
around　any　blood？〃　

〃Maybe。〃　He　shrugged　his　shoulders；　but　his　hands　remained　steady。　〃I've　never　felt　the　need　for　an　
extended　holiday。〃　He　flashed　a　brilliant　smile　in　my　direction。　〃I　enjoy　my　work　too　much。〃　

Plink；　plink；　plink。　I　was　surprised　at　how　much　glass　there　seemed　to　be　in　my　arm。　I　was　tempted　to　
glance　at　the　growing　pile；　just　to　check　the　size；　but　I　knew　that　idea　would　not　be　helpful　to　my　
novomiting　strategy。　

〃What　is　it　that　you　enjoy？〃　I　wondered。　It　didn't　make　sense　to　me—the　years　of　struggle　and　selfdenial　
he　must　have　spent　to　get　to　the　point　where　he　could　endure　this　so　easily。　Besides；　I　wanted　to　keep　
him　talking；　the　conversation　kept　my　mind　off　the　queasy　feeling　in　my　stomach。　

His　dark　eyes　were　calm　and　thoughtful　as　he　answered。　〃Hmm。　What　I　enjoy　the　very　most　is　when　
my…　enhanced　abilities　let　me　save　someone　who　would　otherwise　have　been　lost。　It's　pleasant　knowing　
that；　thanks　to　what　I　can　do；　some　people's　lives　are　better　because　I　exist。　Even　the　sense　of　smell　is　a　
useful　diagnostic　tool　at　times。〃　One　side　of　his　mouth　pulled　up　in　half　a　smile。　

I　mulled　that　over　while　he　poked　around；　making　sure　all　the　glass　splinters　were　gone。　Then　he　
rummaged　in　his　bag　for　new　tools；　and　I　tried　not　to　picture　a　needle　and　thread。　

〃You　try　very　hard　to　make　up　for　something　that　was　never　your　fault；〃　I　suggested　while　a　new　kind　of　
tugging　started　at　the　edges　of　my　skin。　〃What　I　mean　is；　it's　not　like　you　asked　for　this。　You　didn't　
choose　this　kind　of　life；　and　yet　you　have　to　work　so　hard　to　be　good。〃　

〃I　don't　know　that　I'm　making　up　for　anything；〃　he　disagreed　lightly。　〃Like　everything　in　life；　I　just　had　to　
decide　what　to　do　with　what　I　was　given。〃　

〃That　makes　it　sound　too　easy。〃　

He　examined　my　arm　again。　〃There；〃　he　said；　snipping　a　thread。　〃All　done。〃　He　wiped　an　oversized　
Qtip；　dripping　with　some　syrupcolored　liquid；　thoroughly　across　the　operation　site。　The　smell　was　
strange；　it　made　my　head　spin。　The　syrup　stained　my　skin。　

〃In　the　beginning；　though；〃　I　pressed　while　he　taped　another　long　piece　of　gauze　securely　in　place；　sealing　
it　to　my　skin。　〃Why　did　you　even　think　to　try　a　different　way　than　the　obvious　one？〃　

His　lips　turned　up　in　a　private　smile。　〃Hasn't　Edward　told　you　this　story？〃　

〃Yes。　But　I'm　trying　to　understand　what　you　were　thinking…〃　

His　face　was　suddenly　serious　again；　and　I　wondered　if　his　thoughts　had　gone　to　the　same　place　that　mine　
had。　Wondering　what　I　would　be　thinking　when—I　refused　to　think　if—it　was　me。　

〃You　know　my　father　was　a　clergyman；〃　he　mused　as　he　cleaned　the　table　carefully；　rubbing　everything　
down　with　wet　gauze；　and　then　doing　it　again。　The　smell　of　alcohol　burned　in　my　nose。　〃He　had　a　rather　
harsh　view　of　the　world；　which　I　was　already　beginning　to　question　before　the　time　that　I　changed。〃　
Carlisle　put　all　the　dirty　gauze　and　the　glass　slivers　into　an　empty　crystal　bowl。　I　didn't　understand　what　he　
was　doing；　even　when　he　lit　the　match。　Then　he　threw　it　onto　the　alcoholsoaked　fibers；　and　the　sudden　
blaze　made　me　jump。　

〃Sorry；〃　he　apologized。　〃That　ought　to　do　it…　So　I　didn't　agree　with　my　father's　particular　brand　of　faith。　
But　never；　in　the　nearly　four　hundred　years　now　since　I　was　born；　have　I　ever　seen　anything　to　make　me　
doubt　whether　God　exists　in　some　form　or　the　other。　Not　even　the　reflection　in　the　mirror。〃　

I　pretended　to　examine　the　dressing　on　my　arm　to　hide　my　surprise　at　the　direction　our　conversation　had　
taken。　Religion　was　the　last　thing　I　expected；　all　things　considered。　My　own　life　was　fairly　devoid　of　
belief。　Charlie　considered　himself　a　Lutheran；　because　that's　what　his　parents　had　been；　but　Sundays　he　
worshipped　by　the　river　with　a　fishing　pole　in　his　hand。　Renee　tried　out　a　church　now　and　then；　but；　much　
like　her　brief　affairs　with　tennis；　pottery；　yoga；　and　French　classes；　she　moved　on　by　the　time　I　was　
aware　of　her　newest　fad。　

〃I'm　sure　all　this　sounds　a　little　bizarre；　ing　from　a　vampire。〃　He　grinned；　knowing　how　their　casual　
use　of　that　word　never　failed　to　shock　me。　〃But　I'm　hoping　that　there　is　still　a　point　to　this　life；　even　for　us。　
It's　a　long　shot；　I'll　admit；〃　he　continued　in　an　offhand　voice。　〃By　all　accounts；　we're　damned　regardless。　
But　I　hope；　maybe　foolishly；　that　we'll　get　some　measure　of　credit　for　trying。〃　

〃I　don't　think　that's　foolish；〃　I　mumbled。　I　couldn't　imagine　anyone；　deity　included；　who　wouldn't　be　
impressed　by　Carlisle。　Besides；　the　only　kind　of　heaven　I　could　appreciate　would　have　to　include　
Edward。　〃And　I　don't　think　anyone　else　would；　either。〃　

〃Actually；　you're　the　very　first　one　to　agree　with　me。〃　

〃The　rest　of　them　don't　feel　the　same？〃　I　asked；　surprised；　thinking　of　only　one　person　in　particular。　

Carlisle　guessed　the　direction　of　my　thoughts　again。　〃Edward's　with　me　up　to　a　point。　God　and　heaven　
exist…　and　so　does　hell。　But　he　doesn't　believe　there　is　an　afterlife　for　our　kind。〃　Carlisle's　voice　was　
very　soft；　he　stared　out　the　big　window　over　the　sink；　into　the　darkness。　〃You　see；　he　thinks　we've　lost　
our　souls。〃　

I　immediately　thought　of　Edward's　words　this　afternoon：　unless　you　want　to　die—or　whatever　it　is　
that　we　do。　The　lightbulb　flicked　on　over　my　head。　

〃That's　the　real　problem；　isn't　it？〃　I　guessed。　〃That's　why　he's　being　so　difficult　about　me。〃　

Carlisle　spoke　slowly。　〃I　look　at　my…　son。　His　strength；　his　goodness；　the　brightness　that　shines　out　of　
him—and　it　only　fuels　that　hope；　that　faith；　more　than　ever。　How　could　there　not　be　more　for　one　such　as　
Edward？〃　

I　nodded　in　fervent　agreement。　

〃But　if　I　believed　as　he　does…〃　He　looked　down　at　me　with　unfathomable　eyes。　〃If　you　believed　as　he　
did。　Could　you　take　away　his　soul？〃　

The　way　he　phrased　the　question　thwarted　my　answer。　

If　he'd　asked　me　whether　I　would　risk　my　soul　for　Edward；　the　reply　would　be　obvious。　But　would　I　risk　
Edward's　soul？　I　pursed　my　lips　unhappily。　That　wasn't　a　fair　exchange。　

〃You　see　the　problem。〃　

I　shook　my　head；　aware　of　the　stubborn　set　of　my　chin。　

Carlisle　sighed。　

〃It's　my　choice；〃　I　insisted。　

〃It's　his；　too。〃　He　held　up　his　hand　when　he　could　see　that　I　was　about　to　argue。　〃Whether　he　is　
responsible　for　doing　that　to　you。〃　

〃He's　not　the　only　one　able　to　do　it。〃　I　eyed　Carlisle　speculatively。　

He　laughed；　abruptly　lightening　the　mood。　〃Oh；　no！　You're　going　to　have　to　work　this　out　with　him。〃But　
then　he　sighed。　〃That's　the　one　part　I　can　never　be　sure　of。　I　think；　in　most　other　ways；　that　I've　done　the　
best　I　could　with　what　I　had　to　work　with。　But　was　it　right　to　doom　the　others　to　this　life？　I　can't　decide。〃　

I　didn't　answer。　I　imagined　what　my　life　would　be　like　if　Carlisle　had　resisted　the　temptation　to　change　his　
lonely　existence…　and　shuddered。　

〃It　was　Edward's　mother　who　made　up　my　mind。〃　Carlisle's　voice　was　almost　a　whisper。　He　stared　
unseeingly　out　the　black　windows。　

〃His　mother？〃　Whenever　I'd　asked　Edward　about　his　parents；　he　would　merely　say　that　they　had　died　
long　ago；　and　his　memories　were　vague。　I　realized　Carlisle's　memory　of　them；　despite　the　brevity　of　their　
contact；　would　be　perfectly　clear。　

〃Yes。　Her　name　was　Elizabeth。　Elizabeth　Masen。　His　father；　Edward　Senior；　never　regained　
consciousness　in　the　hospital。　He　died　in　the　first　wave　of　the　influenza。　But　Elizabeth　was　alert　until　
almost　the　very　end。　Edward　looks　a　great　deal　like　her—she　had　that　same　strange　bronze　shade　to　her　
hair；　and　her　eyes　were　exactly　the　same　color　green。〃　

〃His　eyes　were　green？〃　I　murmured；　trying　to　picture　it。　

〃Yes…〃　Carlisle's　ocher　eyes　were　a　hundred　years　away　now。　〃Elizabeth　worried　obsessively　over　her　
son。　She　hurt　her　own　chances　of　survival　trying　to　nurse　him　from　her　sickbed。　I　expected　that　he　would　
go　first；　he　was　so　much　worse　off　than　she　was。　When　the　end　came　for　her；　it　was　very　quick。　It　was　
just　after　sunset；　and　I'd　arrived　to　relieve　the　doctors　who'd　been　working　all　day。　That　was　a　hard　time　
to　pretend—there　was　so　much　work　to　be　done；　and　I　had　no　need　of　rest。　How　I　hated　to　go　back　to　
my　house；　to　hide　in　the　dark　and　pretend　to　sleep　while　so　many　were　dying。　

〃I　went　to　check　Elizabeth　and　her　son　first。　I'd　grown　attached—always　a　dangerous　thing　to　do　
considering　the　fragile　nature　of　humans。　I　could　see　at　once　that　she'd　taken　a　bad　turn。　The　fever　was　
raging　out　of　control；　and　her　body　was　too　weak　to　fight　anymore。　

〃She　didn't　look　weak；　though；　when　she　glared　up　at　me　from　her　cot。　

〃Save　him！'　she　manded　me　in　the　hoarse　voice　that　was　all　her　throat　could　manage。　

〃I'll　do　everything　in　my　power；'　I　promised　her；　taking　her　hand。　The　fever　was　so　high；　she　probably　
couldn't　even　tell　how　unnaturally　cold　mine　felt。　Everything　felt　cold　to　her　skin。　

〃You　must；〃　she　insisted；　clutching　at　my　hand　with　enough　strength　that　I　wondered　if　she　wouldn't　pull　
through　the　crisis　after　all。　Her　eyes　were　hard；　like　stones；　like　emeralds。　'You　must　do　everything　in　
your　power。　What　others　cannot　do；　that　is　what　you　must　do　for　my　Edward。〃　

〃It　frightened　me。　She　looked　it　me　with　those　piercing　eyes；　and；　for　one　instant；　I　felt　certain　that　she　
knew　my　secret。　Then　the　fever　overwhelmed　her；　and　she　never　regained　consciousness。　She　died　
within　an　hour　of　making　her　demand。　

〃I'd　spent　decades　considering　the　idea　of　creating　a　panion　for　myself。　Just　one　other　creature　who　
could　really　know　me；　rather　than　what　I　pretended　to　be。　But　I　could　never　justify　it　to　myself—doing　
what　had　been　done　to　me。　

〃There　Edward　lay；　dying。　It　was　clear　that　he　had　only　hours　left。　Beside　him；　his　mother；　her　face　
somehow　not　yet　peaceful；　not　even　in　death。〃　

Carlisle　saw　it　all　again；　his　memory　unblurred　by　the　intervening　century。　I　could　see　it　clearly；　too；　as　he　
spoke—the　despair　of　the　hospital；　the　overwhelming　atmosphere　of　death。　Edward　burning　with　fever；　
his　life　slipping　away　with　each　tick　of　the　clock…　I　shuddered　again；　and　forced　the　picture　from　my　
mind。　

〃Elizabeth's　words　echoed　in　my　head。　How　could　she　guess　what　I　could　do？　Could　anyone　really　want　
that　for　her　son？　

〃I　looked　at　Edward。　Sick　as　he　was；　he　was　still　beautiful。　There　was　something　pure　and　good　about　
his　face。　The　kind　of　face　I　would　have　wanted　my　son　to　have。　

〃After　all　those　years　of　indecision；　I　simply　acted　on　a　whim。　I　wheeled　his　mother　to　the　morgue　first；　
and　then　I　came　back　for　him。　No　one　noticed　that　he　was　still　breathing。　There　weren't　enough　hands；　
enough　eyes；　to　keep　track　of　half　of　what　the　patients　needed。　The　morgue　was　empty—of　the　living；　at　
least。　I　stole　him　out　the　back　door；　and　carried　him　across　the　rooftops　back　to　my　home。　

〃I　wasn't　sure　what　had　to　be　done。　I　settled　for　recreating　the　wounds　I'd　received　myself；　so　many　
centuries　earlier　in　London。　I　felt　bad　about　that　later。　It　was　more　painful　and　lingering　than　necessary。　

〃I　wasn't　sorry；　though。　I've　never　been　sorry　that　I　saved　Edward。〃　He　shook　his　head；　ing　back　to　
the　present。　He　smiled　at　me。　〃I　suppose　I　should　take　you　home　now。〃　

〃I'll　do　that；〃　Edward　said。　He　came　through　the　shadowy　dining　room；　walking　slowly　for　him。　His　face　
was　smooth；　unreadable；　but　there　was　something　wrong　with　his　eyes—something　he　was　trying　very　
hard　to　hide。　I　felt　a　spasm　of　unease　in　my　stomach。　

〃Carlisle　can　take　me；〃　I　said。　I　looked　down　at　my　shirt；　the　light　blue　cotton　was　soaked　and　spotted　
with　my　blood。　My　right　shoulder　was　covered　in　thick　pink　frosting。　

〃I'm　fine。〃　Edward's　voice　was　unemotional。　〃You'll　need　to　change　anyway。　You'd　give　Charlie　a　heart　
attack　the　way　you　look。　I'll　have　Alice　get　you　something。〃　He　strode　out　the　kitchen　door　again。　

I　looked　at　Carlisle　anxiously。　〃He's　very　upset。〃　

〃Yes；〃　Carlisle　agreed。　〃Tonight　is　exactly　the　kind　of　thing　that　he　fears　the　most。　You　being　put　in　
danger；　because　of　what　we　are。〃　

〃It's　not　his　fault。〃　

〃It's　not　yours；　either。〃　

I　looked　away　from　his　wise；　beautiful　eyes。　I　couldn't　agree　with　that。　

Carlisle　offered　me　his　hand　and　helped　me　up　from　the　table。　I　followed　him　out　into　the　main　room。　
Esme　had　e　back；　she　was　mopping　the　floor　where　I'd　fallen—with　straight　bleach　from　the　smell　of　
it。　

〃Esme；　let　me　do　that。〃　I　could　feel　that　my　face　was　bright　red　again。　

〃I'm　already　done。〃　She　smiled　up　at　me。　〃How　do　you　feel？〃　

〃I'm　fine；〃　I　assured　her。　〃Carlisle　sews　faster　than　any　other　doctor　I've　had。〃　

They　both　chuckled。　

Alice　and　Edward　came　in　the　back　doors。　Alice　hurried　to　my　side；　but　Edward　hung　back；　his　face　
indecipherable。　

〃C'mon；〃　Alice　said。　〃I'll　get　you　something　less　macabre　to　wear。〃　

She　found　me　a　shirt　of　Esme's　that　was　close　to　the　same　color　mine　had　been。　Charlie　wouldn't　notice；　
I　was　sure。　The　long　white　bandage　on　my　arm　didn't　look　nearly　as　serious　when　I　was　no　longer　
spattered　in　gore。　Charlie　was　never　surprised　to　see　me　bandaged。　

〃Alice；〃　I　whispered　as　she　headed　back　to　the　door。　

〃Yes？〃　She　kept　her　voice　low；　too；　and　looked　at　me　curiously；　her　head　cocked　to　the　side。　

〃How　bad　is　it？〃　I　couldn't　be　sure　if　my　whispering　was　a　wasted　effort。　Even　though　we　were　upstairs；　
with　the　door　closed；　perhaps　he　could　hear　me。　

Her　face　tensed。　〃I'm　not　sure　yet。〃　

〃How's　Jasper？〃　

She　sighed。　〃He's　very　unhappy　with　himself。　It's　all　so　much　more　of　challenge　for　him；　and　he　hates　
feeling　weak。〃　

〃It's　not　his　fault。　You'll　tell　him　that　I'm　not　mad　at　him；　not　at　all；　won't　you？〃　

〃Of　course。〃　

Edward　was　waiting　for　me　by　the　front　door。　As　I　got　to　the　bottom　of　the　staircase；　he　held　it　open