5 midnight sun午夜阳光-第14部分

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　was　wishing　for　a　tank　again。　Let　s　go！　Rosalie　hissed　impatiently。　Stop　being　an　idiot。　If　you　can。　Her　words　didn　t　annoy　me　I　was　too　entertained。　No　one　spoke　to　me　on　the　way　home。　thinking　of　Bella　s　face。　But　I　did　as　she　asked。　I　continued　to　chuckle　every　now　and　again；　As　I　turned　on　to　the　drive　speeding　up　now　that　there　were　no　witnesses　Alice　ruined　my　mood。　So　do　I　get　to　talk　to　Bella　now？　she　asked　suddenly；　without　considering　the　words　first；　thus　giving　me　no　warning。　No；　I　snapped。　Not　fair！　What　am　I　waiting　for？　I　haven　t　decided　anything；　Alice。　Whatever；　Edward。　In　her　head；　Bella　s　two　destinies　were　clear　again。　What　s　the　point　in　getting　to　know　her？　I　mumbled；　suddenly　morose。　just　going　to　kill　her？　Alice　hesitated　for　a　second。　You　have　a　point；　she　admitted。　If　I　m　I　took　the　final　hairpin　turn　at　niy　miles　an　hour；　and　then　screeched　to　a　stop　an　inch　from　the　back　garage　wall。　Enjoy　your　run；　Rosalie　said　smugly　as　I　threw　myself　out　of　the　car。　But　I　didn　t　go　running　today。　Instead；　I　went　hunting。　The　others　were　scheduled　to　hunt　tomorrow；　but　I　couldn　t　afford　to　be　thirsty　now。　I　overdid　it；　drinking　more　than　necessary；　glutting　myself　again　a　small　grouping　of　elk　and　one　black　bear　I　was　lucky　to　stumble　across　this　early　in　the　year。　I　was　so　full　it　was　unfortable。　Why　couldn　t　that　be　enough？　Why　did　her　scent　have　to　be　so　much　stronger　than　anything　else？

I　had　hunted　in　preparation　for　the　next　day；　but；　when　I　could　hunt　no　more　and　the　sun　was　still　hours　and　hours　from　rising；　I　knew　that　the　next　day　was　not　soon　enough。　The　jittery　high　swept　through　me　again　when　I　realized　that　I　was　going　to　go　find　the　girl。　I　argued　with　myself　all　the　way　back　to　Forks；　but　my　less　noble　side　won　the　argument；　and　I　went　ahead　with　my　indefensible　plan。　The　monster　was　restless　but　wellfettered。　I　knew　I　would　keep　a　safe　distance　from　her。　I　only　wanted　to　know　where　she　was。　I　just　wanted　to　see　her　face。　It　was　past　midnight；　and　Bella　s　house　was　dark　and　quiet。　Her　truck　was　parked　against　the　curb；　her　father　s　police　cruiser　in　the　driveway。　There　were　no　conscious　thoughts　anywhere　in　the　neighborhood。　I　watched　the　house　for　a　moment　from　the　blackness　of　the　forest　that　bordered　it　on　the　east。　The　front　door　would　probably　be　locked　not　a　problem；　except　that　I　didn　t　want　to　leave　a　broken　door　as　evidence　behind　me。　I　decided　to　try　the　upstairs　window　first。　Not　many　people　would　bother　installing　a　lock　there。　I　crossed　the　open　yard　and　scaled　the　face　of　the　house　in　half　a　second。　Dangling　from　the　eave　above　the　window　by　one　hand；　I　looked　through　the　glass；　and　my　breath　stopped。　It　was　her　room。　I　could　see　her　in　the　one　small　bed；　her　covers　on　the　floor　and　her　sheets　twisted　around　her　legs。　As　I　watched；　she　twitched　restlessly　and　threw　one　arm　over　her　head。　She　did　not　sleep　soundly；　at　least　not　this　night。　Did　she　sense　the　danger　near　her？　I　was　repulsed　by　myself　as　I　watched　her　toss　again。　How　was　I　any　better　than　some　sick　peeping　tom？　I　wasn　t　any　better。　I　was　much；　much　worse。　I　relaxed　my　fingertips；　about　to　let　myself　drop。　long　look　at　her　face。　But　first　I　allowed　myself　one　It　was　not　peaceful。　The　little　furrow　was　there　between　her　eyebrows；　the　corners　of　her　lips　turned　down。　Her　lips　trembled；　and　then　parted。　Okay；　Mom；　she　muttered。　Bella　talked　in　her　sleep。　Curiosity　flared；　overpowering　selfdisgust。　The　lure　of　those　unprotected；　unconsciously　spoken　thoughts　was　impossibly　tempting。　I　tried　the　window；　and　it　was　not　locked；　though　it　stuck　due　to　long　disuse。　I　slid　it　slowly　aside；　cringing　at　each　faint　groan　of　the　metal　frame。　I　would　have　to　find　some　oil　for　next　time　Next　time？　I　shook　my　head；　disgusted　again。　I　eased　myself　silently　through　the　halfopened　window。　Her　room　was　small　disorganized　but　not　unclean。　There　were　books　piled　on　the　floor　beside　her　bed；　their　spines　facing　away　from　me；　and　CDs　scattered　by　her　inexpensive　CD　player　the　one　on　top　was　just　a　clear　jewel　case。　Stacks　of　papers　surrounded　a　puter　that　looked　like　it　belonged　in　a　museum　dedicated　to

obsolete　technologies。　Shoes　dotted　the　wooden　floor。　I　wanted　very　much　to　go　read　the　titles　of　her　books　and　CDs；　but　I　d　promised　myself　that　I　would　keep　my　distance；　instead；　I　went　to　sit　the　old　rocking　chair　in　the　far　corner　of　the　room。　Had　I　really　once　thought　her　averagelooking？　I　thought　of　that　first　day；　and　my　disgust　for　the　boys　who　were　so　immediately　intrigued　with　her。　But　when　I　remembered　her　face　in　their　minds　now；　I　could　not　understand　why　I　had　not　found　her　beautiful　immediately。　It　seemed　an　obvious　thing。　Right　now　with　her　dark　hair　tangled　and　wild　around　her　pale　face；　wearing　a　threadbare　tshirt　full　of　holes　with　tatty　sweatpants；　her　features　relaxed　in　unconsciousness；　her　full　lips　slightly　parted　she　took　my　breath　away。　Or　would　have；　I　thought　wryly；　if　I　were　breathing。　She　did　not　speak。　Perhaps　her　dream　had　ended。　I　stared　at　her　face　and　tried　to　think　of　some　way　to　make　the　future　bearable。　Hurting　her　was　not　bearable。　again？　Did　that　mean　my　only　choice　was　to　try　to　leave　The　others　could　not　argue　with　me　now。　My　absence　would　not　put　anyone　in　danger。　There　would　be　no　suspicion；　nothing　to　link　anyone　s　thoughts　back　to　the　accident。　I　wavered　as　I　had　this　afternoon；　and　nothing　seemed　possible。　I　could　not　hope　to　rival　the　human　boys；　whether　these　specific　boys　appealed　to　her　or　not。　I　was　a　monster。　How　could　she　see　me　as　anything　else？　If　she　knew　the　truth　about　me；　it　would　frighten　and　repulse　her。　Like　the　intended　victim　in　a　horror　movie；　she　would　run　away；　shrieking　in　terror。　I　remembered　her　first　day　in　biology　and　knew　that　this　was　exactly　the　right　reaction　for　her　to　have。　It　was　foolishness　to　imagine　that　if　had　I　been　the　one　to　ask　her　to　the　silly　dance；　she　would　have　cancelled　her　hastilymade　plans　and　agreed　to　go　with　me。　I　was　not　the　one　she　was　destined　to　say　yes　to。　It　was　someone　else；　someone　human　and　warm。　And　I　could　not　even　let　myself　someday；　when　that　yes　was　said　hunt　him　down　and　kill　him；　because　she　deserved　him；　whoever　he　was。　She　deserved　happiness　and　love　with　whomever　she　chose。　I　owed　it　to　her　to　do　the　right　thing　now；　I　could　no　longer　pretend　that　I　was　only　in　danger　of　loving　this　girl。　After　all；　it　really　didn　t　matter　if　I　left；　because　Bella　could　never　see　me　the　way　I　wished　she　would。　Never　see　me　as　someone　worthy　of　love。　Never。　Could　a　dead；　frozen　heart　break？　Edward；　Bella　said。　It　felt　like　mine　would。

I　froze；　staring　at　her　unopened　eyes。　Had　she　woken；　caught　me　here？　clear　She　looked　asleep；　yet　her　voice　had　been　so　She　sighed　a　quiet　sigh；　and　then　moved　restlessly　again；　rolling　to　her　side　still　fast　asleep　and　dreaming。　Edward；　she　mumbled　softly。　She　was　dreaming　of　me。　Could　a　dead；　frozen　heart　beat　again？　Stay；　she　sighed。　Don　t　go。　It　felt　like　mine　was　about　to。　Please　don　t　go。　She　wanted　me　to　stay　She　was　dreaming　of　me；　and　it　wasn　t　even　a　nightmare。　with　her；　there　in　her　dream。　I　struggled　to　find　words　to　name　the　feelings　that　flooded　through　me；　but　I　had　no　words　strong　enough　to　hold　them。　For　a　long　moment；　I　drowned　in　them。　When　I　surfaced；　I　was　not　the　same　man　I　had　been。　My　life　was　an　unending；　unchanging　midnight。　It　must；　by　necessity；　always　be　midnight　for　me。　So　how　was　it　possible　that　the　sun　was　rising　now；　in　the　middle　of　my　midnight？　At　the　time　that　I　had　bee　a　vampire；　trading　my　soul　and　my　mortality　for　immortality　in　the　searing　pain　of　transformation；　I　had　truly　been　frozen。　My　body　had　turned　into　something　more　like　rock　than　flesh；　enduring　and　unchanging。　My　self；　also；　had　frozen　as　it　was　my　personality；　my　likes　and　my　dislikes；　my　moods　and　my　desires；　all　were　fixed　in　place。　It　was　the　same　for　the　rest　of　them。　We　were　all　frozen。　Living　stone。　When　change　came　for　one　of　us；　it　was　a　rare　and　permanent　thing。　I　had　seen　it　happen　with　Carlisle；　and　then　a　decade　later　with　Rosalie。　Love　had　changed　them　in　an　eternal　way；　a　way　that　never　faded。　More　than　eighty　years　had　passed　since　Carlisle　had　found　Esme；　and　yet　he　still　looked　at　her　with　the　incredulous　eyes　of　first　love。　It　would　always　be　that　way　for　them。　It　would　always　be　that　way　for　me；　too。　I　would　always　love　this　fragile　human　girl；　for　the　rest　of　my　limitless　existence。　I　gazed　at　her　unconscious　face；　feeling　this　love　for　her　settle　into　every　portion　of　my　stone　body。　She　slept　more　peacefully　now；　a　slight　smile　on　her　lips。　Always　watching　her；　I　began　to　plot。　I　loved　her；　and　so　I　would　try　to　be　strong　enough　to　leave　her。　I　knew　I　wasn　t　that　strong　now。　I　would　work　on　that　one。　But　perhaps　I　was　strong　enough　to　circumvent　the　future　in　another　way。　Alice　had　seen　only　two　futures　for　Bella；　and　now　I　understood　them　both。　Loving

her　would　not　keep　me　from　killing　her；　if　I　let　myself　make　mistakes。　Yet　I　could　not　feel　the　monster　now；　could　not　find　him　anywhere　in　me。　Perhaps　love　had　silenced　him　forever。　If　I　killed　her　now；　it　would　not　be　intentional；　only　a　horrible　accident。　I　would　have　to　be　inordinately　careful。　I　would　never；　ever　be　able　to　let　my　guard　down。　I　would　have　to　control　my　every　breath。　I　would　have　to　keep　an　always　cautious　distance。　I　would　not　make　mistakes。　I　finally　understood　that　second　future。　I　d　been　baffled　by　that　vision　what　could　possibly　happen　to　result　in　Bella　being　a　prisoner　to　this　immortal　halflife？　Now　devastated　by　longing　for　the　girl　I　could　understand　how　I　might；　in　unforgivable　selfishness；　ask　my　father　for　that　favor。　Ask　him　to　take　away　her　life　and　her　soul　so　that　I　could　keep　her　forever。　She　deserved　better。　But　I　saw　one　more　future；　one　thin　wire　that　I　might　be　able　to　walk；　if　I　could　keep　my　balance。　Could　I　do　it？　Be　with　her　and　leave　her　human？　Deliberately；　I　took　a　deep　breath；　and　then　another；　letting　her　scent　rip　through　me　like　wildfire。　The　room　was　thick　with　her　perfume；　her　fragrance　was　layered　on　every　surface。　My　head　swam；　but　I　fought　the　spinning。　I　would　have　to　get　used　to　this；　if　I　were　going　to　attempt　any　kind　of　relationship　with　her。　I　took　another　deep；　burning　breath。　I　watched　her　sleeping　until　the　sun　rose　behind　the　eastern　clouds；　plotting　and　breathing。　I　got　home　just　after　the　others　had　left　for　school。　I　changed　quickly；　avoiding　Esme　s　questioning　eyes。　She　saw　the　feverish　light　in　my　face；　and　she　felt　both　worry　and　relief。　My　long　melancholy　had　pained　her；　and　she　was　glad　it　seemed　to　be　over。　I　ran　to　school；　arriving　a　few　seconds　after　my　siblings　did。　They　did　not　turn；　though　Alice　at　least　must　have　known　that　I　stood　here　in　the　thick　woods　that　bordered　the　pavement。　I　waited　until　no　one　was　looking；　and　then　I　strolled　casually　from　between　the　trees　into　the　lot　full　of　parked　cars。　I　heard　Bella　s　truck　rumbling　around　the　corner；　and　I　paused　behind　a　Suburban；　where　I　could　watch　without　being　seen。　She　drove　into　the　lot；　glaring　at　my　Volvo　for　a　long　moment　before　she　parked　in　one　of　the　most　distant　spaces；　a　frown　on　her　face。　It　was　strange　to　remember　that　she　was　probably　still　angry　with　me；　and　with　good　reason。　I　wanted　to　laugh　at　myself　or　kick　myself。　All　my　plotting　and　planning　was　entirely　moot　if　she　didn　t　care　for　me；　too；　wasn　t　it？　Her　dream　could　have　been　about　something　pletely　random。　I　was　such　an　arrogant　fool。　Well；　it　was　so　much　the　better　for　her　if　she　didn　t　care　for　me。　That　wouldn　t

stop　me　from　pursuing　her；　but　I　would　give　her　fair　warning　as　I　pursued。　her　that。　I　walked　silently　forward；　wondering　how　best　to　approach　her。　I　owed　She　made　it　easy。　Her　truck　key　slipped　through　her　fingers　as　she　got　out；　and　fell　into　a　deep　puddle。　She　reached　down；　but　I　got　to　it　first；　retrieving　it　before　she　had　to　put　her　fingers　in　the　cold　water。　I　leaned　back　against　her　truck　as　she　started　and　then　straightened　up。　How　do　you　do　that？　she　demanded。　Yes；　she　was　still　angry。　I　offered　her　the　key。　Do　what？　I　took　a　deep　breath；　She　held　her　hand　out；　and　I　dropped　the　key　in　her　palm。　pulling　in　her　scent。　Appear　out　of　thin　air；　she　clarified。　Bella；　it　s　not　my　fault　if　you　are　exceptionally　unobservant。　wry；　almost　a　joke。　Was　there　anything　she　didn　t　see？　Did　she　hear　how　my　voice　wrapped　around　her　name　like　a　caress？　She　glared　at　me；　not　appreciating　my　humor。　fear？　After　a　moment；　she　looked　down。　The　words　were　Her　heartbeat　sped　from　anger？　From　Why　the　traffic　jam　last　night？　she　asked　without　meeting　my　eyes。　I　thought　you　were　supposed　to　be　pretending　I　don　t　exist；　not　irritating　me　to　death。　Still　very　angry。　It　was　going　to　take　some　effort　to　make　things　right　with　her。　I　remembered　my　resolve　to　be　truthful　with　her　That　was　for　Tyler　s　sake；　not　mine。　I　had　to　give　him　his　chance。　laughed。　I　couldn　t　help　it；　thinking　of　her　expression　yesterday。　And　then　I　You　she　gasped；　and　then　broke　off；　appearing　to　be　too　furious　to　finish。　There　it　was　that　same　expression。　enough　already。　I　choked　back　another　laugh。　She　was　mad　And　I　m　not　pretending　you　don　t　exist；　I　finished。　It　was　right　to　keep　this　casual；　teasing。　She　would　not　understand　if　I　let　her　see　how　I　really　felt。　I　would　frighten　her。　I　had　to　keep　my　feelings　in　check；　keep　things　light　So　you　are　trying　to　irritate　me　to　death？　A　quick　flash　of　anger　pulsed　through　me。　Since　Tyler　s　van　didn　t　do　the　job？　Could　she　honestly　believe　that？　It　was　irrational　for　me　to　be　so　affronted　she　didn　t　know　of　the　transformation　that　had　happened　in　the　night。　But　I　was　angry　all　the　same。

Bella；　you　are　utterly　absurd；　I　snapped。　Her　face　flushed；　and　she　turned　her　back　on　me。　Remorse。　I　had　no　right　to　my　anger。　She　began　to　walk　away。　Wait；　I　pleaded。　She　did　not　stop；　so　I　followed　after　her。　I　m　sorry；　that　was　rude。　I　m　not　saying　it　isn　t　true　it　was　absurd　to　imagine　that　I　wanted　her　harmed　in　any　way　but　it　was　rude　to　say　it；　anyway。　Why　won　t　you　leave　me　alone？　Believe　me；　I　wanted　to　say。　I　ve　tried。　Oh；　and　also；　I　m　wretchedly　in　love　with　you。　Keep　it　light。　I　wanted　to　ask　you　something；　but　you　sidetracked　me。　just　occurred　to　me；　and　I　laughed。　Do　you　have　a　multiple　personality　disorder？　she　asked。　It　must　seem　that　way。　me。　My　mood　was　erratic；　so　many　new　emotions　coursing　through　A　course　of　action　had　You　re　doing　it　again；　I　pointed　out。　She　sighed。　Fine　then。　What　do　you　want　to　ask？　I　was　wondering　if；　a　week　from　Saturday　I　watched　the　shock　cross　her　face；　and　choked　back　another　laugh。　You　know；　the　day　of　the　spring　dance　She　cut　me　off；　finally　returning　her　eyes　to　mine。　Yes。　Will　you　let　me　finish？　Are　you　trying　to　be　funny？　She　waited　in　silence；　her　teeth　pressing　into　her　soft　lower　lip。　That　sight　distracted　me　for　a　second。　Strange；　unfamiliar　reactions　stirred　deep　in　my　forgotten　human　core。　I　tried　to　shake　them　off　so　I　could　play　my　role。　I　heard　you　say　that　you　were　going　to　Seattle　that　day；　and　I　was　wondering　if　you　wanted　a　ride？　I　offered。　I　d　realized　that；　better　than　just　questioning　her　about　her　plans；　I　might　share　them。　She　stared　at　me　blankly。　What？　Do　you　want　a　ride　to　Seattle？　Alone　in　a　car　with　her　my　throat　burned　at　the　thought。　I　took　a　deep　breath。　Get　used　to　it。　With　who？　sh