1 twilight暮色-第25部分

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curiosity　in　his　soft　voice。　

〃No　more　than　usual。〃　

He　smiled　wider；　his　teeth　flashed　in　the　sun。　

I　inched　closer；　stretched　out　my　whole　hand　now　to　trace　the　contours　of　
his　forearm　with　my　fingertips。　I　saw　that　my　fingers　trembled；　and　knew　
it　wouldn't　escape　his　notice。　

〃Do　you　mind？〃　I　asked；　for　he　had　closed　his　eyes　again。　

〃No；〃　he　said　without　opening　his　eyes。　〃You　can't　imagine　how　that　
feels。〃　He　sighed。　

I　lightly　trailed　my　hand　over　the　perfect　muscles　of　his　arm；　followed　
the　faint　pattern　of　bluish　veins　inside　the　crease　at　his　elbow。　With　my　
other　hand；　I　reached　to　turn　his　hand　over。　Realizing　what　I　wished；　he　
flipped　his　palm　up　in　one　of　those　blindingly　fast；　disconcerting　
movements　of　his。　It　startled　me；　my　fingers　froze　on　his　arm　for　a　brief　
second。　

〃Sorry；〃　he　murmured。　I　looked　up　in　time　to　see　his　golden　eyes　close　
again。　〃It's　too　easy　to　be　myself　with　you。〃　

I　lifted　his　hand；　turning　it　this　way　and　that　as　I　watched　the　sun　
glitter　on　his　palm。　I　held　it　closer　to　my　face；　trying　to　see　the　
hidden　facets　in　his　skin。　

〃Tell　me　what　you're　thinking；〃　he　whispered。　I　looked　to　see　his　eyes　
watching　me；　suddenly　intent。　〃It's　still　so　strange　for　me；　not　knowing。〃　

〃You　know；　the　rest　of　us　feel　that　way　all　the　time。〃　

〃It's　a　hard　life。〃　Did　I　imagine　the　hint　of　regret　in　his　tone？　〃But　
you　didn't　tell　me。〃　

〃I　was　wishing　I　could　know　what　you　were　thinking…〃　I　hesitated。　

〃And？〃　

〃I　was　wishing　that　I　could　believe　that　you　were　real。　And　I　was　wishing　
that　I　wasn't　afraid。〃　

〃I　don't　want　you　to　be　afraid。〃　His　voice　was　just　a　soft　murmur。　I　
heard　what　he　couldn't　truthfully　say；　that　I　didn't　need　to　be　afraid；　
that　there　was　nothing　to　fear。　

〃Well；　that's　not　exactly　the　fear　I　meant；　though　that's　certainly　
something　to　think　about。〃　

So　quickly　that　I　missed　his　movement；　he　was　half　sitting；　propped　up　on　
his　right　arm；　his　left　palm　still　in　my　hands。　His　angel's　face　was　only　
a　few　inches　from　mine。　I　might　have　—　should　have　—　flinched　away　from　
his　unexpected　closeness；　but　I　was　unable　to　move。　His　golden　eyes　
mesmerized　me。　

〃What　are　you　afraid　of；　then？〃　he　whispered　intently。　

But　I　couldn't　answer。　As　I　had　just　that　once　before；　I　smelled　his　cool　
breath　in　my　face。　Sweet；　delicious；　the　scent　made　my　mouth　water。　It　
was　unlike　anything　else。　Instinctively；　unthinkingly；　I　leaned　closer；　

inhaling。　

And　he　was　gone；　his　hand　ripped　from　mine。　In　the　time　it　took　my　eyes　
to　focus；　he　was　twenty　feet　away；　standing　at　the　edge　of　the　small　
meadow；　in　the　deep　shade　of　a　huge　fir　tree。　He　stared　at　me；　his　eyes　
dark　in　the　shadows；　his　expression　unreadable。　

I　could　feel　the　hurt　and　shock　on　my　face。　My　empty　hands　stung。　

〃I'm…　sorry…　Edward；〃　I　whispered。　I　knew　he　could　hear。　

〃Give　me　a　moment；〃　he　called；　just　loud　enough　for　my　less　sensitive　
ears。　I　sat　very　still。　

After　ten　incredibly　long　seconds；　he　walked　back；　slowly　for　him。　He　
stopped；　still　several　feet　away；　and　sank　gracefully　to　the　ground；　
crossing　his　legs。　His　eyes　never　left　mine。　He　took　two　deep　breaths；　
and　then　smiled　in　apology。　

〃I　am　so　very　sorry。〃　He　hesitated。　〃Would　you　understand　what　I　meant　if　
I　said　I　was　only　human？〃　

I　nodded　once；　not　quite　able　to　smile　at　his　joke。　Adrenaline　pulsed　
through　my　veins　as　the　realization　of　danger　slowly　sank　in。　He　could　
smell　that　from　where　he　sat。　His　smile　turned　mocking。　

〃I'm　the　world's　best　predator；　aren't　I？　Everything　about　me　invites　you　
in　—　my　voice；　my　face；　even　my　smell。　As　if　I　need　any　of　that！〃　
Unexpectedly；　he　was　on　his　feet；　bounding　away；　instantly　out　of　sight；　
only　to　appear　beneath　the　same　tree　as　before；　having　circled　the　meadow　
in　half　a　second。　

〃As　if　you　could　outrun　me；〃　he　laughed　bitterly。　

He　reached　up　with　one　hand　and；　with　a　deafening　crack；　effortlessly　
ripped　a　twofootthick　branch　from　the　trunk　of　the　spruce。　He　balanced　
it　in　that　hand　for　a　moment；　and　then　threw　it　with　blinding　speed；　
shattering　it　against　another　huge　tree；　which　shook　and　trembled　at　the　
blow。　

And　he　was　in　front　of　me　again；　standing　two　feet　away；　still　as　a　stone。　

〃As　if　you　could　fight　me　off；〃　he　said　gently。　

I　sat　without　moving；　more　frightened　of　him　than　I　had　ever　been。　I'd　
never　seen　him　so　pletely　freed　of　that　carefully　cultivated　facade。　
He'd　never　been　less　human…　or　more　beautiful。　Face　ashen；　eyes　wide；　I　
sat　like　a　bird　locked　in　the　eyes　of　a　snake。　

His　lovely　eyes　seem　to　glow　with　rash　excitement。　Then；　as　the　seconds　
passed；　they　dimmed。　His　expression　slowly　folded　into　a　mask　of　ancient　
sadness。　

〃Don't　be　afraid；〃　he　murmured；　his　velvet　voice　unintentionally　
seductive。　〃I　promise…〃　He　hesitated。　〃I　swear　not　to　hurt　you。〃　He　
seemed　more　concerned　with　convincing　himself　than　me。　

〃Don't　be　afraid；〃　he　whispered　again　as　he　stepped　closer；　with　
exaggerated　slowness。　He　sat　sinuously；　with　deliberately　unhurried　
movements；　till　our　faces　were　on　the　same　level；　just　a　foot　apart。　

〃Please　forgive　me；〃　he　said　formally。　〃I　can　control　myself。　You　caught　
me　off　guard。　But　I'm　on　my　best　behavior　now。〃　

He　waited；　but　I　still　couldn't　speak。　

〃I'm　not　thirsty　today；　honestly。〃　He　winked。　

At　that　I　had　to　laugh；　though　the　sound　was　shaky　and　breathless。　

〃Are　you　all　right？〃　he　asked　tenderly；　reaching　out　slowly；　carefully；　
to　place　his　marble　hand　back　in　mine。　

I　looked　at　his　smooth；　cold　hand；　and　then　at　his　eyes。　They　were　soft；　
repentant。　I　looked　back　at　his　hand；　and　then　deliberately　returned　to　
tracing　the　lines　in　his　hand　with　my　fingertip。　I　looked　up　and　smiled　
timidly。　

His　answering　smile　was　dazzling。　

〃So　where　were　we；　before　I　behaved　so　rudely？〃　he　asked　in　the　gentle　
cadences　of　an　earlier　century。　

〃I　honestly　can't　remember。〃　

He　smiled；　but　his　face　was　ashamed。　〃I　think　we　were　talking　about　why　
you　were　afraid；　besides　the　obvious　reason。〃　

〃Oh；　right。〃　

〃Well？〃　

I　looked　down　at　his　hand　and　doodled　aimlessly　across　his　smooth；　
iridescent　palm。　The　seconds　ticked　by。　

〃How　easily　frustrated　I　am；〃　he　sighed。　I　looked　into　his　eyes；　abruptly　
grasping　that　this　was　every　bit　as　new　to　him　as　it　was　to　me。　As　many　
years　of　unfathomable　experience　as　he　had；　this　was　hard　for　him；　too。　I　
took　courage　from　that　thought。　

〃I　was　afraid…　because；　for；　well；　obvious　reasons；　I　can't　stay　with　
you。　And　I'm　afraid　that　I'd　like　to　stay　with　you；　much　more　than　I　
should。〃　I　looked　down　at　his　hands　as　I　spoke。　It　was　difficult　for　me　
to　say　this　aloud。　

〃Yes；〃　he　agreed　slowly。　〃That　is　something　to　be　afraid　of；　indeed。　
Wanting　to　be　with　me。　That's　really　not　in　your　best　interest。〃　

I　frowned。　

〃I　should　have　left　long　ago；〃　he　sighed。　〃I　should　leave　now。　But　I　
don't　know　if　I　can。〃　

〃I　don't　want　you　to　leave；〃　I　mumbled　pathetically；　staring　down　again。　

〃Which　is　exactly　why　I　should。　But　don't　worry。　I'm　essentially　a　
selfish　creature。　I　crave　your　pany　too　much　to　do　what　I　should。〃　

〃I'm　glad。〃　

〃Don't　be！〃　He　withdrew　his　hand；　more　gently　this　time；　his　voice　was　
harsher　than　usual。　Harsh　for　him；　still　more　beautiful　than　any　human　
voice。　It　was　hard　to　keep　up　—　his　sudden　mood　changes　left　me　always　a　
step　behind；　dazed。　

〃It's　not　only　your　pany　I　crave！　Never　forget　that。　Never　forget　I　am　
more　dangerous　to　you　than　I　am　to　anyone　else。〃　He　stopped；　and　I　looked　
to　see　him　gazing　unseeingly　into　the　forest。　

I　thought　for　a　moment。　

〃I　don't　think　I　understand　exactly　what　you　mean　—　by　that　last　part　
anyway；〃　I　said。　

He　looked　back　at　me　and　smiled；　his　mood　shifting　yet　again。　

〃How　do　I　explain？〃　he　mused。　〃And　without　frightening　you　again…　hmmmm。〃　
Without　seeming　to　think　about　it；　he　placed　his　hand　back　in　mine；　I　
held　it　tightly　in　both　of　mine。　He　looked　at　our　hands。　

〃That's　amazingly　pleasant；　the　warmth。〃　He　sighed。　

A　moment　passed　as　he　assembled　his　thoughts。　

〃You　know　how　everyone　enjoys　different　flavors？〃　he　began。　〃Some　people　
love　chocolate　ice　cream；　others　prefer　strawberry？〃　

I　nodded。　

〃Sorry　about　the　food　analogy　—　I　couldn't　think　of　another　way　to　
explain。〃　

I　smiled。　He　smiled　ruefully　back。　

〃You　see；　every　person　smells　different；　has　a　different　essence。　If　you　
locked　an　alcoholic　in　a　room　full　of　stale　beer；　he'd　gladly　drink　it。　
But　he　could　resist；　if　he　wished　to；　if　he　were　a　recovering　alcoholic。　
Now　let's　say　you　placed　in　that　room　a　glass　of　hundredyearold　brandy；　
the　rarest；　finest　cognac　—　and　filled　the　room　with　its　warm　aroma　—　how　
do　you　think　he　would　fare　then？〃　

We　sat　silently；　looking　into　each　other's　eyes　—　trying　to　read　each　
other's　thoughts。　

He　broke　the　silence　first。　

〃Maybe　that's　not　the　right　parison。　Maybe　it　would　be　too　easy　to　
turn　down　the　brandy。　Perhaps　I　should　have　made　our　alcoholic　a　heroin　
addict　instead。〃　

〃So　what　you're　saying　is；　I'm　your　brand　of　heroin？〃　I　teased；　trying　to　
lighten　the　mood。　

He　smiled　swiftly；　seeming　to　appreciate　my　effort。　〃Yes；　you　are　exactly　
my　brand　of　heroin。〃　

〃Does　that　happen　often？〃　I　asked。　

He　looked　across　the　treetops；　thinking　through　his　response。　

〃I　spoke　to　my　brothers　about　it。〃　He　still　stared　into　the　distance。　〃To　
Jasper；　every　one　of　you　is　much　the　same。　He's　the　most　recent　to　join　
our　family。　It's　a　struggle　for　him　to　abstain　at　all。　He　hasn't　had　time　
to　grow　sensitive　to　the　differences　in　smell；　in　flavor。〃　He　glanced　
swiftly　at　me；　his　expression　apologetic。　

〃Sorry；〃　he　said。　

〃I　don't　mind。　Please　don't　worry　about　offending　me；　or　frightening　me；　
or　whichever。　That's　the　way　you　think。　I　can　understand；　or　I　can　try　to　
at　least。　Just　explain　however　you　can。〃　

He　took　a　deep　breath　and　gazed　at　the　sky　again。　

〃So　Jasper　wasn't　sure　if　he'd　ever　e　across　someone　who　was　as〃　—　he　
hesitated；　looking　for　the　right　word　—　〃appealing　as　you　are　to　me。　
Which　makes　me　think　not。　Emmett　has　been　on　the　wagon　longer；　so　to　
speak；　and　he　understood　what　I　meant。　He　says　twice；　for　him；　once　
stronger　than　the　other。〃　

〃And　for　you？〃　

〃Never。〃　

The　word　hung　there　for　a　moment　in　the　warm　breeze。　

〃What　did　Emmett　do？〃　I　asked　to　break　the　silence。　

It　was　the　wrong　question　to　ask。　His　face　grew　dark；　his　hand　clenched　
into　a　fist　inside　mine。　He　looked　away。　I　waited；　but　he　wasn't　going　to　
answer。　

〃I　guess　I　know；〃　I　finally　said。　

He　lifted　his　eyes；　his　expression　was　wistful；　pleading。　

〃Even　the　strongest　of　us　fall　off　the　wagon；　don't　we？〃　

〃What　are　you　asking？　My　permission？〃　My　voice　was　sharper　than　I'd　
intended。　I　tried　to　make　my　tone　kinder　—　I　could　guess　what　his　honesty　
must　cost　him。　〃I　mean；　is　there　no　hope；　then？〃　How　calmly　I　could　
discuss　my　own　death！　

〃No；　no！〃　He　was　instantly　contrite。　〃Of　course　there's　hope！　I　mean；　of　
course　I　won't…〃　He　left　the　sentence　hanging。　His　eyes　burned　into　mine。　
〃It's　different　for　us。　Emmett…　these　were　strangers　he　happened　across。　
It　was　a　long　time　ago；　and　he　wasn't　as…　practiced；　as　careful；　as　he　is　
now。〃　

He　fell　silent　and　watched　me　intently　as　I　thought　it　through。　

〃So　if　we'd　met…　oh；　in　a　dark　alley　or　something…〃　I　trailed　off。　

〃It　took　everything　I　had　not　to　jump　up　in　the　middle　of　that　class　full　
of　children　and　—〃　He　stopped　abruptly；　looking　away。　〃When　you　walked　
past　me；　I　could　have　ruined　everything　Carlisle　has　built　for　us；　right　
then　and　there。　If　I　hadn't　been　denying　my　thirst　for　the　last；　well；　
too　many　years；　I　wouldn't　have　been　able　to　stop　myself。〃　He　paused；　
scowling　at　the　trees。　

He　glanced　at　me　grimly；　both　of　us　remembering。　〃You　must　have　thought　I　
was　possessed。〃　

〃I　couldn't　understand　why。　How　you　could　hate　me　so　quickly…〃　

〃To　me；　it　was　like　you　were　some　kind　of　demon；　summoned　straight　from　
my　own　personal　hell　to　ruin　me。　The　fragrance　ing　off　your　skin…　I　
thought　it　would　make　me　deranged　that　first　day。　In　that　one　hour；　I　
thought　of　a　hundred　different　ways　to　lure　you　from　the　room　with　me；　to　
get　you　alone。　And　I　fought　them　each　back；　thinking　of　my　family；　what　I　
could　do　to　them。　I　had　to　run　out；　to　get　away　before　I　could　speak　the　
words　that　would　make　you　follow…〃　

He　looked　up　then　at　my　staggered　expression　as　I　tried　to　absorb　his　
bitter　memories。　His　golden　eyes　scorched　from　under　his　lashes；　hypnotic　
and　deadly。　

〃You　would　have　e；〃　he　promised。　

I　tried　to　speak　calmly。　〃Without　a　doubt。〃　

He　frowned　down　at　my　hands；　releasing　me　from　the　force　of　his　stare。　
〃And　then；　as　I　tried　to　rearrange　my　schedule　in　a　pointless　attempt　to　
avoid　you；　you　were　there　—　in　that　close；　warm　little　room；　the　scent　
was　maddening。　I　so　very　nearly　took　you　then。　There　was　only　one　other　
frail　human　there　—　so　easily　dealt　with。〃　

I　shivered　in　the　warm　sun；　seeing　my　memories　anew　through　his　eyes；　
only　now　grasping　the　danger。　Poor　Ms。　Cope；　I　shivered　again　at　how　
close　I'd　e　to　being　inadvertently　responsible　for　her　death。　

〃But　I　resisted。　I　don't　know　how。　I　forced　myself　not　to　wait　for　you；　
not　to　follow　you　from　the　school。　It　was　easier　outside；　when　I　couldn't　
smell　you　anymore；　to　think　clearly；　to　make　the　right　decision。　I　left　
the　others　near　home　—　I　was　too　ashamed　to　tell　them　how　weak　I　was；　
they　only　knew　something　was　very　wrong　—　and　then　I　went　straight　to　
Carlisle；　at　the　hospital；　to　tell　him　I　was　leaving。〃　

I　stared　in　surprise。　

〃I　traded　cars　with　him　—　he　had　a　full　tank　of　gas　and　I　didn't　want　to　
stop。　I　didn't　dare　to　go　home；　to　face　Esme。　She　wouldn't　have　let　me　go　
without　a　scene。　She　would　have　tried　to　convince　me　that　it　wasn't　
necessary…　

〃By　the　next　morning　I　was　in　Alaska。〃　He　sounded　ashamed；　as　if　
admitting　a　great　cowardice。　〃I　spent　two　days　there；　with　some　old　
acquaintances…　but　I　was　homesick。　I　hated　knowing　I'd　upset　Esme；　and　

the　rest　of　them；　my　adopted　family。　In　the　pure　air　of　the　mountains　it　
was　hard　to　believe　you　were　so　irresistible。　I　convinced　myself　it　was　
weak　to　run　away。　I'd　dealt　with　temptation　before；　not　of　this　
magnitude；　not　even　close；　but　I　was　strong。　Who　were　you；　an　
insignificant　little　girl〃　—　he　grinned　suddenly　—　〃to　chase　me　from　the　
place　I　wanted　to　be？　So　I　came　back…〃　He　stared　off　into　space。　

I　couldn't　speak。　

〃I　took　precautions；　hunting；　feeding　more　than　usual　before　seeing　you　
again。　I　was　sure　that　I　was　strong　enough　to　treat　you　like　any　other　
human。　I　was　arrogant　about　it。　

〃It　was　unquestionably　a　plication　that　I　couldn't　simply　read　your　
thoughts　to　know　what　your　reaction　was　to　me。　I　wasn't　used　to　having　to　
go　to　such　circuitous　measures；　listening　to　your　words　in　Jessica's　
mind…　her　mind　isn't　very　original；　and　it　was　annoying　to　have　to　stoop　
to　that。　And　then　I　couldn't　know　if　you　really　meant　what　you　said。　It　
was　all　extremely　irritating。〃　He　frowned　at　the　memory。　

〃I　wanted　you