4 breaking dawn破晓-第32部分

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tears　washed　her　cheeks。　〃How　could　you　not　be；　all　safe　and　warm　and　loved？　I　love　you　so　much；　little　
EJ；　of　course　you're　happy。〃　

〃What　did　you　call　him？〃　Edward　asked　curiously。　

She　blushed　again。　〃I　sort　of　named　him。　I　didn't　think　you　would　want。。。　well；　you　know。〃　

〃EJ？〃　

〃Your　father's　name　was　Edward；　too。〃　

〃Yes；　it　was。　What—？〃　He　paused　and　then　said；　〃Hmm。〃　

〃What？〃　

〃He　likes　my　voice；　too。〃　

〃Of　course　he　does。〃　Her　tone　was　almost　gloating　now。　〃You　have　the　most　beautiful　voice　in　the　
universe。　Who　wouldn't　love　it？〃　

〃Do　you　have　a　backup　plan？〃　Rosalie　asked　then；　leaning　over　the　back　of　the　sofa　with　the　same　
wondering；　gloating　look　on　her　face　that　was　on　Bella's。　〃What　if　he's　a　she？〃　

Bella　wiped　the　back　of　her　hand　under　her　wet　eyes。　〃I　kicked　a　few　things　around。　Playing　with　Renee　
and　

Esme。　I　was　thinking。。。　Ruhnezmay。〃　

〃Ruhnezmay？〃　

〃Renesmee。　Too　weird？〃　

〃No；　I　like　it；〃　Rosalie　assured　her。　Their　heads　were　close　together；　gold　and　mahogany。　〃It's　beautiful。　
And　one　of　a　kind；　so　that　fits〃　

〃I　still　think　he's　an　Edward。〃　

Edward　was　staring　off　into　space；　his　face　blank　as　he　listened。　

〃What？〃　Bella　asked；　her　face　just　glowing　away。　〃What's　he　thinking　now？〃　

At　first　he　didn't　answer；　and　then—shocking　all　the　rest　of　us　again；　three　distinct　and　separate　



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gasps—he　laid　his　ear　tenderly　against　her　belly。　

〃He　loves　you；〃　Edward　whispered；　sounding　dazed。　〃He　absolutely　adores　you。〃　

In　that　moment；　I　knew　that　I　was　alone。　All　alone。　

I　wanted　to　kick　myself　when　I　realized　how　much　I'd　been　counting　on　that　loathsome　vampire。　How　
stupid—as　if　you　could　ever　trust　a　leech！　Of　course　he　would　betray　me　in　the　end。　

I'd　counted　on　him　to　be　on　my　side。　I'd　counted　on　him　to　suffer　more　than　I　suffered。　And；　most　of　all；　
I'd　counted　on　him　to　hate　that　revolting　thing　killing　Bella　more　than　I　hated　it。　

I'd　trusted　him　with　that。　

Yet　now　they　were　together；　the　two　of　them　bent　over　the　budding；　invisible　monster　with　their　eyes　lit　
up　like　a　happy　family。　

And　I　was　all　alone　with　my　hatred　and　the　pain　that　was　so　bad　it　was　like　being　tortured。　Like　being　
dragged　slowly　across　a　bed　of　razor　blades。　Pain　so　bad　you'd　take　death　with　a　smile　just　to　get　away　
from　it。　

The　heat　unlocked　my　frozen　muscles；　and　I　was　on　my　feet。　

All　three　of　their　heads　snapped　up；　and　I　watched　my　pain　ripple　across　Edward's　face　as　he　
trespassed　in　my　head　again。　

〃Ahh；〃　he　choked。　

I　didn't　know　what　I　was　doing；　I　stood　there；　trembling；　ready　to　bolt　for　the　very　first　escape　that　I　
could　think　of。　

Moving　like　the　strike　of　a　snake；　Edward　darted　to　a　small　end　table　and　ripped　something　from　the　
drawer　there。　He　tossed　it　at　me；　and　I　caught　the　object　reflexively。　

〃Go；　Jacob。　Get　away　from　here。〃　He　didn't　say　it　harshly—he　threw　the　words　at　me　like　they　were　a　
life　preserver。　He　was　helping　me　find　the　escape　I　was　dying　for。　

The　object　in　my　hand　was　a　set　of　car　keys。　

17。　WHAT　DO　I　LOOK　LIKE？　THE　WIZARD　OF　OZ？　YOU　NEED　A　BRAIN？　YOU　NEED　A　

HEART？　GO　AHEAD。　TAKE　MINE。　TAKE　EVERYTHING　I　HAVE。　

I　sort　of　had　a　plan　as　I　ran　to　the　Cullens'　garage。　The　second　part　of　it　was　totaling　the　bloodsucker's　
car　on　my　way　back。　

So　I　was　at　a　loss　when　I　mashed　the　button　on　the　keyless　remote；　and　it　was　not　his　Volvo　that　
beeped　and　flashed　its　lights　for　me。　It　was　another　car—a　standout　even　in　the　long　line　of　vehicles　that　
were　mostly　all　droolworthy　in　their　own　ways。　

Did　he　actually　mean　to　give　me　the　keys　to　an　Aston　Martin　Vanquish；　or　was　that　an　accident？　



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I　didn't　pause　to　think　about　it；　or　if　this　would　change　that　second　part　of　my　plan。　I　just　threw　myself　
into　the　silky　leather　seat　and　cranked　the　engine　while　my　knees　were　still　crunched　up　under　the　steering　
wheel。　The　sound　of　the　motor's　purr　might　have　made　me　moan　another　day；　but　right　now　it　was　all　I　
could　do　to　concentrate　enough　to　put　it　in　drive。　

I　found　the　seat　release　and　shoved　myself　back　as　my　foot　rammed　the　pedal　down。　The　car　felt　almost　
airborne　as　it　leaped　forward。　

It　only　took　seconds　to　race　through　the　tight；　winding　drive。　The　car　responded　to　me　like　my　thoughts　
were　steering　rather　than　my　hands。　As　I　blew　out　of　the　green　tunnel　and　onto　the　highway；　I　caught　a　
fleeting　glimpse　of　Leah's　gray　face　peering　uneasily　through　the　ferns。　

For　half　a　second；　I　wondered　what　she'd　think；　and　then　I　realized　that　I　didn't　care。　

I　turned　south；　because　I　had　no　patience　today　for　ferries　or　traffic　or　anything　else　that　meant　I　might　
have　to　lift　my　foot　off　the　pedal。　

In　a　sick　way；　it　was　my　lucky　day。　If　by　lucky　you　meant　taking　a　welltraveled　highway　at　two　hundred　
without　so　much　as　seeing　one　cop；　even　in　the　thirtymileanhour　speedtrap　towns。　What　a　letdown。　A　
little　chase　action　

might　have　been　nice；　not　to　mention　that　the　license　plate　info　would　bring　the　heat　down　on　the　leech。　
Sure；　he'd　buy　his　way　out　of　it；　but　it　might　have　been　just　a　little　inconvenient　for　him。　

The　only　sign　of　surveillance　i　came　across　was　just　a　hint　of　dark　brown　fur　flitting　through　the　woods；　
running　parallel　to　me　for　a　few　miles　on　the　south　side　of　Forks。　Quil；　it　looked　like。　He　must　have　seen　
me；　too；　because　he　disappeared　after　a　minute　without　raising　an　alarm。　Again；　I　almost　wondered　what　
his　story　would　be　before　I　remembered　that　I　didn't　care。　

I　raced　around　the　long　Ushaped　highway；　heading　for　the　biggest　city　I　could　find。　That　was　the　first　
part　of　my　plan。　

It　seemed　to　take　forever；　probably　because　I　was　still　on　the　razor　blades；　but　it　actually　didn't　even　
take　two　hours　before　I　was　driving　north　into　the　undefined　sprawl　that　was　part　Taa　and　part　
Seattle。　I　slowed　down　then；　because　I　really　wasn't　trying　to　kill　any　innocent　bystanders。　

This　was　a　stupid　plan。　It　wasn't　going　to　work。　But；　as　I'd　searched　my　head　for　any　way　at　all　to　get　
away　from　the　pain；　what　Leah'd　said　today　had　popped　in　there。　

That　would　go　away；　you　know；　if　you　imprinted。　You　wouldn't　have　to　hurt　over　her　anymore。　

Seemed　like　maybe　getting　your　choices　taken　away　from　you　wasn't　the　very　worst　thing　in　the　world。　
Maybe　feeling　like　this　was　the　very　worst　thing　in　the　world。　

But　I'd　seen　all　the　girls　in　La　Push　and　up　on　the　Makah　rez　and　in　Forks。　I　needed　a　wider　hunting　
range。　

So　how　do　you　look　for　a　random　soul　mate　in　a　crowd？　Well；　first；　I　needed　a　crowd。　So　I　tooled　
around；　looking　for　a　likely　spot。　I　passed　a　couple　of　malls；　which　probably　would've　been　pretty　good　
places　to　find　girls　my　age；　but　I　couldn't　make　myself　stop。　Did　I　want　to　imprint　on　some　girl　who　hung　



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out　in　a　mall　all　day？　

I　kept　going　north；　and　it　got　more　and　more　crowded。　Eventually；　I　found　a　big　park　full　of　kids　and　
families　and　skateboards　and　bikes　and　kites　and　piics　and　the　whole　bit。　I　hadn't　noticed　till　now—it　
was　a　nice　day。　Sun　and　all　that。　People　were　out　celebrating　the　blue　sky。　

I　parked　across　two　handicapped　spots—just　begging　for　a　ticket—and　joined　the　crowd。　

I　walked　around　for　what　felt　like　hours。　Long　enough　that　the　sun　changed　sides　in　the　sky。　I　stared　into　
the　face　of　every　girl　who　passed　anywhere　near　me；　making　myself　really　look；　noticing　who　was　pretty　
and　who　had　blue　eyes　and　who　looked　good　in　braces　and　who　had　way　too　much　makeup　on。　I　tried　
to　find　something　interesting　about　each　face；　so　that　I　would　know　for　sure　that　I'd　really　tried。　Things　
like：　This　one　had　a　really　straight　nose；　that　one　should　pull　her　hair　out　of　her　eyes；　this　one　could　do　
lipstick　ads　if　the　rest　of　her　face　was　as　perfect　as　her　mouth___　

Sometimes　they　stared　back。　Sometimes　they　looked　scared—like　they　were　thinking；　Who　is　this　big　
freak　glaring　at　me？　Sometimes　I　thought　they　looked　kind　of　interested；　but　maybe　that　was　just　my　
ego　running　wild。　

Either　way；　nothing。　Even　when　I　met　the　eyes　of　the　girl　who　was—no　contest—the　hottest　girl　in　the　
park　and　probably　in　the　city；　and　she　stared　right　back　with　a　speculation　that　looked　like　interest；　I　felt　
nothing。　Just　the　same　desperate　drive　to　find　a　way　out　of　the　pain。　

As　time　went　on；　I　started　noticing　all　the　wrong　things。　Bella　things。　This　one's　hair　was　the　same　color。　
That　one's　eyes　were　sort　of　shaped　the　same。　This　one's　cheekbones　cut　across　her　face　in　just　the　same　
way。　That　one　had　the　same　little　crease　between　her　eyes—which　made　me　wonder　what　she　was　
worrying　about___　

That　was　when　I　gave　up。　Because　it　was　beyond　stupid　to　think　that　I　had　picked　exactly　the　right　place　
and　time　and　I　was　going　to　simply　walk　into　my　soul　mate　just　because　I　was　so　desperate　to。　

It　wouldn't　make　sense　to　find　her　here；　anyway。　If　Sam　was　right；　the　best　place　to　find　my　geic　
match　would　be　in　La　Push。　And；　clearly；　no　one　there　fit　the　bill。　If　Billy　was　right；　then　who　knew？　
What　made　for　a　stronger　wolf？　

I　wandered　back　to　the　car　and　then　slumped　against　the　hood　and　played　with　the　keys。　

Maybe　I　was　what　Leah　thought　she　was。　Some　kind　of　dead　end　that　shouldn't　be　passed　on　to　
another　generation。　Or　maybe　it　was　just　that　my　life　was　a　big；　cruel　joke；　and　there　was　no　escape　from　
the　punch　line。　

〃Hey；　you　okay？　Hello？　You　there；　with　the　stolen　car。〃　

It　took　me　a　second　to　realize　that　the　voice　was　talking　to　me；　and　then　another　second　to　decide　to　
raise　my　head。　

A　familiarlooking　girl　was　staring　at　me；　her　expression　kind　of　anxious。　I　knew　why　I　recognized　her　
face—I'd　already　catalogued　this　one。　Light　redgold　hair；　fair　skin；　a　few　goldcolored　freckles　
sprinkled　across　her　cheeks　and　nose；　and　eyes　the　color　of　cinnamon。　

〃If　you're　feeling　that　remorseful　over　boosting　the　car；〃　she　said；　smiling　so　that　a　dimple　popped　out　in　



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her　chin；　〃you　could　always　turn　yourself　in。〃　

〃It's　borrowed；　not　stolen；〃　I　snapped。　My　voice　sounded　horrible—like　I'd　been　crying　or　something。　
Embarrassing。　

〃Sure；　thatW　hold　up　in　court。〃　

I　glowered。　〃You　need　something？〃　

〃Not　really。　I　was　kidding　about　the　car；　you　know。　It's　just　that。。。　you　look　really　upset　about　
something。　Oh；　hey；　I'm　Lizzie。〃　She　held　out　her　hand。　

I　looked　at　it　until　she　let　it　fall。　

〃Anyway。。。；〃　she　said　awkwardly；　〃I　was　just　wondering　if　I　could　help。　Seemed　like　you　were　looking　
for　someone　before。〃　She　gestured　toward　the　park　and　shrugged。　

〃Yeah。〃　

She　waited。　

I　sighed。　〃I　don't　need　any　help。　She's　not　here。〃　

〃Oh。　Sorry。〃　

〃Me；　too；〃　I　muttered。　

I　looked　at　the　girl　again。　Lizzie。　She　was　pretty。　Nice　enough　to　try　to　help　a　grouchy　stranger　who　must　
seem　nuts。　Why　couldn't　she　be　the　one？　Why　did　everything　have　to　be　so　freaking　plicated？　Nice　
girl；　pretty；　and　sort　of　funny。　Why　not？　

〃This　is　a　beautiful　car；〃　she　said。　〃It's　really　a　shame　they're　not　making　them　anymore。　I　mean；　the　
Vantage's　body　styling　is　gorgeous；　too；　but　there's　just　something　about　the　Vanquish___〃　

Nice　girl　who　knew　cars。　Wow。　I　stared　at　her　face　harder；　wishing　I　knew　how　to　make　it　work。　
C'mon；　Jake—　imprint　already。　

〃How's　it　drive？〃　she　asked。　

〃Like　you　wouldn't　believe；〃　I　told　her。　

She　grinned　her　onedimple　smile；　clearly　pleased　to　have　dragged　a　halfway　civil　response　out　of　me；　
and　I　gave　her　a　reluctant　smile　back。　

But　her　smile　did　nothing　about　the　sharp；　cutting　blades　that　raked　up　and　down　my　body。　No　matter　
how　much　I　wanted　it　to；　my　life　was　not　going　to　e　together　like　that。　

I　wasn't　in　that　healthier　place　where　Leah　was　headed。　I　wasn't　going　to　be　able　to　fall　in　love　like　a　
normal　person。　Not　when　I　was　bleeding　over　someone　else。　Maybe—if　it　was　ten　years　from　now　and　
Bella's　heart　was　long　dead　and　I'd　hauled　myself　through　the　whole　grieving　process　and　e　out　in　
one　piece　again—maybe　then　I　could　offer　Lizzie　a　ride　in　a　fast　car　and　talk　makes　and　models　and　get　



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to　know　something　about　her　and　see　if　I　liked　her　as　a　person。　But　that　wasn't　going　to　happen　now。　

Magic　wasn't　going　to　save　me。　I　was　just　going　to　have　to　take　the　torture　like　a　man。　Suck　it　up。　

Lizzie　waited；　maybe　hoping　I　was　going　to　offer　her　that　ride。　Or　maybe　not。　

〃I'd　better　get　this　car　back　to　the　guy　I　borrowed　it　from；〃　I　muttered。　

She　smiled　again。　〃Glad　to　hear　you're　going　straight。〃　

〃Yeah；　you　convinced　me。〃　

She　watched　me　get　in　the　car；　still　sort　of　concerned。　I　probably　looked　like　someone　who　was　about　
to　drive　off　a　cliff。　Which　maybe　I　would've；　if　that　kind　of　move'd　work　for　a　werewolf。　She　waved　
once；　her　eyes　trailing　after　the　car。　

At　first；　I　drove　more　sanely　on　the　way　back。　I　wasn't　in　a　rush。　I　didn't　want　to　go　where　I　was　going。　
Back　to　that　house；　back　to　that　forest。　Back　to　the　pain　I'd　run　from。　Back　to　being　absolutely　alone　
with　it。　

Okay；　that　was　melodramatic。　I　wouldn't　be　all　alone；　but　that　was　a　bad　thing。　Leah　and　Seth　would　
have　to　suffer　with　me。　I　was　glad　Seth　wouldn't　have　to　suffer　long。　Kid　didn't　deserve　to　have　his　peace　
of　mind　ruined。　Leah　didn't；　either；　but　at　least　it　was　something　she　understood。　Nothing　new　about　pain　
for　Leah。　

I　sighed　big　as　I　thought　about　what　Leah　wanted　from　me；　because　I　knew　now　that　she　was　going　to　
get　it。　I　was　still　pissed　at　her；　but　I　couldn't　ignore　the　fact　that　i　could　make　her　life　easier。　And—now　
that　I　knew　her　better—I　thought　she　would　probably　do　this　for　me；　if　our　positions　were　reversed。　

It　would　be　interesting；　at　the　very　least；　and　strange；　too；　to　have　Leah　as　a　panion—as　a　friend。　
We　were　going　to　get　under　each　other's　skin　a　lot；　that　was　for　sure。　She　wouldn't　be　one　to　let　me　
wallow；　but　I　thought　that　was　a　good　thing。　I'd　probably　need　someone　to　kick　my　butt　now　and　then。　
But　when　it　came　right　down　to　it；　she　was　really　the　only　friend　who　had　any　chance　of　understanding　
what　I　was　going　through　now。　

I　thought　of　the　hunt　this　morning；　and　how　close　our　minds　had　been　for　that　one　moment　in　time。　It　
hadn't　been　a　bad　thing。　Different。　A　little　scary；　a　little　awkward。　But　also　nice　in　a　weird　way。　

I　didn't　have　to　be　all　alone。　

And　I　knew　Leah　was　strong　enough　to　face　with　me　the　months　that　were　ing。　Months　and　years。　It　
made　me　tired　to　think　about　it。　I　felt　like　I　was　staring　out　across　an　ocean　that　I　was　going　to　have　to　
swim　from　shore　to　shore　before　I　could　rest　again。　

So　much　time　ing；　and　then　so　little　time　before　it　started。　Before　I　was　flung　into　that　ocean。　Three　
and　a　half　more　days；　and　here　I　was；　wasting　that　little　bit　of　time　I　had。　

I　started　driving　too　fast　again。　

I　saw