4 breaking dawn破晓-第9部分

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brushed　my　teeth　meticulously；　twice。　Then　I　washed　my　face　and　splashed　water　on　the　back　of　my　
neck；　which　was　feeling　feverish。　That　felt　so　good　that　I　washed　my　arms　as　well；　and　finally　I　decided　
to　just　give　up　and　take　the　shower。　I　knew　it　was　ridiculous　to　shower　before　swimming；　but　I　needed　to　
calm　down；　and　hot　water　was　one　reliable　way　to　do　that。　

Also；　shaving　my　legs　again　seemed　like　a　pretty　good　idea。　

When　I　was　done；　I　grabbed　a　huge　white　towel　off　the　counter　and　wrapped　it　under　my　arms。　

Then　I　was　faced　with　a　dilemma　I　hadn't　considered。　What　was　I　supposed　to　put　on？　Not　a　swimsuit；　
obviously。　But　it　seemed　silly　to　put　my　clothes　back　on；　too。　I　didn't　even　want　to　think　about　the　things　
Alice　had　packed　for　me。　



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My　breathing　started　to　accelerate　again　and　my　hands　trembled—so　much　for　the　calming　effects　of　the　
shower。　I　started　to　feel　a　little　dizzy；　apparently　a　fullscale　panic　attack　on　the　way。　I　sat　down　on　the　
cool　tile　floor　in　my　big　towel　and　put　my　head　between　my　knees。　I　prayed　he　wouldn't　decide　to　e　
look　for　me　before　I　could　pull　myself　together。　I　could　imagine　what　he　would　think　if　he　saw　me　going　
to　pieces　this　way。　It　wouldn't　be　hard　for　him　to　convince　himself　that　we　were　making　a　mistake。　

And　I　wasn't　freaking　out　because　I　thought　we　were　making　a　mistake。　Not　atall。　I　was　freaking　out　
because　I　had　no　idea　how　to　do　this；　and　I　was　afraid　to　walk　out　of　this　room　and　face　the　unknown。　
Especially　in　French　lingerie。　I　knew　I　wasn't　ready　for　that　yet　

This　felt　exactly　like　having　to　walk　out　in　front　of　a　theater　full　of　thousands　with　no　idea　what　my　lines　
were。　

How　did　people　do　this—swallowall　their　fears　and　trust　someone　else　so　implicitly　with　every　
imperfection　and　fear　they　had—with　less　than　the　absolute　mitment　Edward　had　given　me？　if　it　
weren't　Edward　out　there；　if　I　didn't　know　in　every　cell　of　my　body　that　he　loved　me　as　much　as　I　loved　
him—unconditionally　and　irrevocably　and；　to　be　honest；　irrationally—I'd　never　be　able　to　get　up　off　this　
floor。　

But　it　was　Edward　out　there；　so　I　whispered　the　words　〃Don't　be　a　coward〃　under　my　breath　and　
scrambled　to　my　feet。　I　hitched　the　towel　tighter　under　my　arms　and　marched　determinedly　from　the　
bathroom。　Past　the　suitcase　full　of　lace　and　the　big　bed　without　looking　at　either。　Out　the　open　glass　door　
onto　the　powderfine　sand。　

Everything　was　blackandwhite；　leached　colorless　by　the　moon。　I　walked　slowly　across　the　warm　
powder；　pausing　beside　the　curved　tree　where　he　had　left　his　clothes。　I　laid　my　hand　against　the　rough　
bark　and　checked　my　breathing　to　make　sure　it　was　even。　Or　even　enough。　

I　looked　across　the　low　ripples；　black　in　the　darkness；　searching　for　him。　

He　wasn't　hard　to　find。　He　stood；　his　back　to　me；　waist　deep　in　the　midnight　water；　staring　up　at　the　oval　
moon。　The　pallid　light　of　the　moon　turned　his　skin　a　perfect　white；　like　the　sand；　like　the　moon　itself；　and　
made　his　wet　hair　black　as　the　ocean。　He　was　motionless；　his　hands　resting　palms　down　against　the　
water；　the　low　waves　broke　around　him　as　if　he　were　a　stone。　I　stared　at　the　smooth　lines　of　his　back；　his　
shoulders；　his　arms；　his　neck；　theflawless　shape　of　him。。。。　

The　fire　was　no　longer　a　flash　burn　across　my　skin—it　was　slow　and　deep　now；　it　smoldered　away　all　
my　awkwardness；　my　shy　uncertainty。　I　slipped　the　towel　off　without　hesitation；　leaving　it　on　the　tree　with　
his　clothes；　and　walked　out　into　the　white　light；　it　made　me　pale　as　the　snowy　sand；　too。　

I　couldn't　hear　the　sound　of　my　footsteps　as　I　walked　to　the　water's　edge；　but　I　guessed　that　he　could。　
Edward　did　not　turn。　I　let　the　gentle　swells　break　over　my　toes；　and　found　that　he'd　been　right　about　the　
temperature—it　was　very　warm；　like　bath　water。　I　stepped　in；　walking　carefully　across　the　invisible　ocean　
floor；　but　my　care　was　unnecessary；　the　sand　continued　perfectly　smooth；　sloping　gently　toward　Edward。　
I　waded　through　the　weightless　

current　till　I　was　at　his　side；　and　then　I　placed　my　hand　lightly　over　his　cool　hand　lying　on　the　water。　

〃Beautiful；〃　I　said；　looking　up　at　the　moon；　too。　




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〃It's　all　right；〃　he　answered；　unimpressed。　He　turned　slowly　to　face　me；　little　waves　rolled　away　from　his　
movement　and　broke　against　my　skin。　His　eyes　looked　silver　in　his　icecolored　face。　He　twisted　his　hand　
up　so　that　he　could　twine　our　fingers　beneath　the　surface　of　the　water。　It　was　warm　enough　that　his　cool　
skin　did　not　raise　goose　bumps　on　mine。　

〃But　I　wouldn't　use　the　word　beautiful〃　he　continued。　〃Not　with　you　standing　here　in　parison。〃　

I　halfsmiled；　then　raised　my　free　hand—it　didn't　tremble　now—and　placed　it　over　his　heart。　White　on　
white；　we　matched；　for　once。　He　shuddered　the　tiniest　bit　at　my　warm　touch。　His　breath　came　rougher　
now。　

〃I　promised　we　would　try〃　he　whispered；　suddenly　tense。　〃If。。。　if　I　do　something　wrong；　if　I　hurt　you；　
you　must　tell　me　at　once。〃　

I　nodded　solemnly；　keeping　my　eyes　on　his。　I　took　another　step　through　the　waves　and　leaned　my　head　
against　his　chest。　

〃Don't　be　afraid；〃　I　murmured。　〃We　belong　together。〃　

I　was　abruptly　overwhelmed　by　the　truth　of　my　own　words。　This　moment　was　so　perfect；　so　right；　there　
was　no　way　to　doubt　it。　

His　arms　wrapped　around　me；　holding　me　against　him；　summer　and　winter。　It　felt　like　every　nerve　ending　
in　my　body　was　a　live　wire。　

〃Forever；〃　he　agreed；　and　then　pulled　us　gently　into　deeper　water。　

The　sun；　hot　on　the　bare　skin　of　my　back；　woke　me　in　the　morning。　Late　morning；　maybe　afternoon；　I　
wasn't　sure。　Everything　besides　the　time　was　clear；　though；　I　knew　exactly　where　I　was—the　bright　room　
with　the　big　white　bed；　brilliant　sunlight　streaming　through　the　open　doors。　The　clouds　of　ting　would　
soften　the　shine。　

I　didn't　open　my　eyes。　I　was　too　happy　to　change　anything；　no　matter　how　small。　The　only　sounds　were　
the　waves　outside；　our　breathing；　my　heartbeat。。。　

I　was　fortable；　even　with　the　baking　sun。　His　cool　skin　was　the　perfect　antidote　to　the　heat。　Lying　
across　his　wintry　chest；　his　arms　wound　around　me；　felt　very　easy　and　natural。　I　wondered　idly　what　I'd　
been　so　panicky　about　last　night。　My　fears　all　seemed　silly　now。　

His　fingers　softly　trailed　down　the　contours　of　my　spine；　and　I　knew　that　he　knew　I　was　awake。　I　kept　
my　eyes　shut　and　tightened　my　arms　around　his　neck；　holding　myself　closer　to　him。　

He　didn't　speak；　his　fingers　moved　up　and　down　my　back；　barely　touching　it　as　he　lightly　traced　patterns　
on　my　skin。　

I　would　have　been　happy　to　lie　here　forever；　to　never　disturb　this　moment；　but　my　body　had　other　ideas。　
I　laughed　at　my　impatient　stomach。　It　seemed　sort　of　prosaic　to　be　hungry　after　all　that　had　passed　last　
night。　Like　

being　brought　back　down　to　earth　from　some　great　height。　




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〃What's　funny？〃　he　murmured；　still　stroking　my　back。　The　sound　of　his　voice；　serious　and　husky；　brought　
with　it　a　deluge　of　memories　from　the　night；　and　I　felt　a　blush　color　my　face　and　neck。　

To　answer　his　question；　my　stomach　growled。　I　laughed　again。　〃You　just　can't　escape　being　human　for　
very　long。〃　

I　waited；　but　he　did　not　laugh　with　me。　Slowly；　sinking　through　the　many　layers　of　bliss　that　clouded　my　
head；　came　the　realization　of　a　different　atmosphere　outside　my　own　glowing　sphere　of　happiness。　

I　opened　my　eyes；　the　first　thing　I　saw　was　the　pale；　almost　silvery　skin　of　his　throat；　the　arc　of　his　chin　
above　my　face。　His　jaw　was　taut。　I　propped　myself　up　on　my　elbow　so　I　could　see　his　face。　

He　was　staring　at　the　frothy　canopy　above　us；　and　he　didn't　look　at　me　as　I　studied　his　grave　features。　
His　expression　was　a　shock—it　sent　a　physical　jolt　through　my　body。　

〃Edward；〃　I　said；　a　strange　little　catch　in　my　throat；　〃what　is　it？　What's　wrong？〃　

〃You　have　to　ask？〃　His　voice　was　hard；　cynical。　

My　first　instinct；　the　product　of　a　lifetime　of　insecurities；　was　to　wonder　what　I　had　done　wrong。　I　
thought　through　everything　that　had　happened；　but　I　couldn't　find　any　sour　note　in　the　memory。　It　had　all　
been　simpler　than　I'd　expected；　we'd　fit　together　like　corresponding　pieces；　made　to　match　up。　This　had　
given　me　a　secret　satisfaction—we　were　patible　physically；　as　well　as　all　the　other　ways。　Fire　and　
ice；　somehow　existing　together　without　destroying　each　other。　More　proof　that　I　belonged　with　him。　

I　couldn't　think　of　any　part　that　would　make　him　look　like　this—so　severe　and　cold。　What　had　I　missed？　

His　finger　smoothed　the　worried　lines　on　my　forehead。　

〃What　are　you　thinking？〃　he　whispered。　

〃You're　upset。　I　don't　understand。　Did　I。。。　？〃　I　couldn't　finish。　

His　eyes　tightened。　〃How　badly　are　you　hurt；　Bella？　The　truth—don't　try　to　downplay　it。〃　

〃Hurt？〃　I　repeated；　my　voice　came　out　higher　than　usual　because　the　word　took　me　so　by　surprise。　

He　raised　one　eyebrow；　his　lips　a　tight　line。　

I　made　a　quick　assessment；　stretching　my　body　automatically；　tensing　and　flexing　my　muscles。　There　was　
stiffness；　and　a　lot　of　soreness；　too；　it　was　true；　but　mostly　there　was　the　odd　sensation　that　my　bones　all　
had　bee　unhinged　at　the　joints；　and　I　had　changed　halfway　into　the　consistency　of　a　jellyfish。　It　was　
not　an　unpleasant　feeling。　

And　then　I　was　a　little　angry；　because　he　was　darkening　this　most　perfect　of　all　mornings　with　his　
pessimistic　assumptions。　

〃Why　would　you　jump　to　that　conclusion？　I've　never　been　better　than　I　am　now。〃　

His　eyes　closed。　〃Stop　that。〃　




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〃Stop　what？〃　

〃Stop　acting　like　I'm　not　a　monster　for　having　agreed　to　this。〃　

〃Edward！'7I　whispered；　really　upset　now。　He　was　pulling　my　bright　memory　through　the　darkness；　
staining　it。　〃Don't　ever　say　that。〃　

He　didn't　open　his　eyes；　it　was　like　he　didn't　want　to　see　me。　

〃Look　at　yourself；　Bella。　Then　tell　me　I'm　not　a　monster。〃　

Wounded；　shocked；　I　followed　his　instruction　unthinkingly　and　then　gasped。　

What　had　happened　to　me？　I　couldn't　make　sense　of　the　fluffy　white　snow　that　clung　to　my　skin。　I　shook　
my　head；　and　a　cascade　of　white　drifted　out　of　my　hair。　

I　pinched　one　soft　white　bit　between　my　fingers。　It　was　a　piece　of　down。　

〃Why　am　I　covered　in　feathers？〃　I　asked；　confused。　

He　exhaled　impatiently。　〃I　bit　a　pillow。　Or　two。　That's　not　what　I'm　talking　about。〃　

〃You。。。　bit　a　pillow？　Why？〃　

〃Look；　Bella！〃　he　almost　growled。　He　took　my　hand—very　gingerly—and　stretched　my　arm　out。　〃Look　
at　that〃　

This　time；　I　saw　what　he　meant。　

Under　the　dusting　of　feathers；　large　purplish　bruises　were　beginning　to　blossom　across　the　pale　skin　of　
my　arm。　My　eyes　followed　the　trail　they　made　up　to　my　shoulder；　and　then　down　across　my　ribs。　I　pulled　
my　hand　free　to　poke　at　a　discoloration　on　my　left　forearm；　watching　it　fade　where　I　touched　and　then　
reappear。　It　throbbed　a　little。　

So　lightly　that　he　was　barely　touching　me；　Edward　placed　his　hand　against　the　bruises　on　my　arm；　one　at　
a　time；　matching　his　long　fingers　to　the　patterns。　

〃Oh；〃　I　said。　

I　tried　to　remember　this—to　remember　pain—but　I　couldn't。　I　couldn't　recall　a　moment　when　his　hold　
had　been　too　tight；　his　hands　too　hard　against　me。　I　only　remembered　wanting　him　to　hold　me　tighter；　and　
being　pleased　when　he　did。。。。　

〃I'm。。。　so　sorry；　Bella；〃　he　whispered　while　I　stared　at　the　bruises。　〃I　knew　better　than　this。　I　should　not　
have—〃　He　made　a　low；　revolted　sound　in　the　back　of　his　throat。　〃I　am　more　sorry　than　I　can　tell　you。〃　

He　threw　his　arm　over　his　face　and　became　perfectly　still。　

I　sat　for　one　long　moment　in　total　astonishment；　trying　to　e　to　terms—now　that　I　understood　it—with　
his　misery。　It　was　so　contrary　to　the　way　that　I　felt　that　it　was　difficult　to　process。　




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Theshock　wore　off　slowly；　leaving　nothing　in　its　absence。　Emptiness。　My　mind　was　blank。　I　couldn't　
think　of　what　to　say。　How　could　I　explain　it　to　him　in　the　right　way？　How　could　I　make　him　as　happy　as　I　
was—or　as　I　had　been；　a　moment　ago？　

I　touched　his　arm；　and　he　didn't　respond。　I　wrapped　my　fingers　around　his　wrist　and　tried　to　pry　his　arm　
off　his　face；　but　I　could　have　been　yanking　on　a　sculpture　for　all　the　good　it　did　me。　

〃Edward。〃　

He　didn't　move。　

〃Edward？〃　

Nothing。　So；　this　would　be　a　monologue；　then。　

〃I'mnot　sorry；　Edward。　I'm。。。　I　can't　even　tell　you。　I'm　so　happy。　That　doesn't　cover　it。　Don't　be　angry。　
Don't。　I'm　really　f—〃　

〃Do　not　say　the　word　fine。〃　His　voice　was　ice　cold。　〃If　you　value　my　sanity；　do　not　say　that　you　are　fine。〃　

〃But　I　am：　I　whispered。　

〃Bella；〃　he　almost　moaned。　〃Don't。〃　

〃No。　You　don't；　Edward。〃　

He　moved　his　arm；　his　gold　eyes　watched　me　warily。　

〃Don't　ruin　this；〃　I　told　him。　〃I。　Am。　Happy。〃　

〃I've　already　ruined　this；〃　he　whispered。　

〃Cut　it　out；〃　I　snapped。　

I　heard　his　teeth　grind　together。　

〃Ugh！〃　I　groaned。　〃Why　can't　you　just　read　my　mind　already？　It's　so　inconvenient　to　be　a　mental　mute！〃　

His　eyes　widened　a　little　bit；　distracted　in　spite　of　himself。　

〃That's　a　new　one。　You　love　that　I　can't　read　your　mind。〃　

〃Not　today。〃　

He　stared　at　me。　〃Why？〃　

I　threw　my　hands　up　in　frustration；　feeling　an　ache　in　my　shoulder　that　I　ignored。　My　palms　fell　back　
against　his　chest　with　a　sharp　smack。　〃Because　all　this　angst　would　be　pletely　unnecessary　if　you　
could　see　how　I　feel　right　now！　Or　five　minutes　ago；　anyway。　I　was　perfectly　happy。　Totally　and　
pletely　blissed　out。　Now—well；　I'm　sort　of　pissed；　actually。〃　




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〃You　should　be　angry　at　me。〃　

〃Well；　I　am。　Does　that　make　you　feel　better？〃　

He　sighed。　〃No。　I　don't　think　anything　could　make　me　feel　better　now。〃　

〃T？af；〃　I　snapped。　〃That　right　there　is　why　I'm　angry。　You　are　killing　my　buzz；　Edward。〃　

He　rolled　his　eyes　and　shook　his　head。　

I　took　a　deep　breath。　I　was　feeling　more　of　the　soreness　now；　but　it　wasn't　that　bad。　Sort　of　like　the　day　
after　lifting　weights。　I'd　done　that　with　Renee　during　one　of　her　fitness　obsessions。　Sixtyfive　lunges　with　
ten　pounds　in　each　hand。　I　couldn't　walk　the　next　day。　This　was　not　as　painful　as　that　had　been　by　half。　

I　swallowed　my　irritation　and　tried　to　make　my　voice　soothing。　〃We　knew　this　was　going　to　be　tricky。　I　
thought　that　was　assumed。　And　then—well；　it　was　a　lot　easier　than　I　thought　it　would　be。　And　this　is　
really　nothing。〃　I　brushed　my　fingers　along　my　arm。　〃I　think　for　a　first　time；　not　knowing　what　to　expect；　
we　did　amazing。　With　a　little　practice—〃　

His　expression　was　suddenly　so　livid　that　I　broke　off　midsentence。　

〃Assumed？　Did　you　expect　this；　Bella？　Were　you　anticipating　that　I　would　hurt　you？　Were　you　thinking　
it　would　be　worse？　Do　you　consider　the　experiment　a　success　because　you　can　walk　awa