the days of my life-第13部分

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re　unarmed；　but　we　discovered　that　they　had　left　their　rifles　hidden　in　waggons　not　far　away　and　guarded　by　a　hundred　and　fifty　men。　If　they　really　had　any　such　intention；　however；　it　evaporated　after　they　had　proceeded　to　the　Government　offices　to　ask　what　the　English　were　doing　in　Pretoria　and　hoisted　their　flag　in　the　Market　Square。　Then　they　talked　a　while　and　went　away。　One　man；　I　remember；　either　on　this　or　another　occasion　came　and　stood　before　the　English　flag　which　marked　our　camp；　and　shouted；　“O　Father；　O　Grandfather；　O　Great…grandfather；　rise　from　the　dead　and　drive　away　those　red…handed　wretches　who　have　e　to　take　our　land　from　us；　the　land　which　we　took　from　the　Swartzels　（black　creatures）！”
Then　he　made　a　somewhat　feeble　rush　for　the　said　flag；　but　was　collared　by　his　friends　and　taken　off；　still　apostrophising　his　ancestors。　It　all　sounds　very　mock…heroic　and　absurd；　and　yet　I　repeat　that　there　was　much　to　justify　this　attitude　of　the　Boers。　After　all　they　had　taken　the　land　and　lived　there　nearly　forty　years；　and　the　British　Government　had　more　or　less　guaranteed　their　independence。　Of　course　circumstances　alter　cases；　and；　as　they　could　not　govern　themselves　and　were　about　to　plunge　South　Africa　into　a　bloody　war；　our　intervention　was　necessary；　but　this　the　more　ignorant　of　them　could　scarcely　be　expected　to　understand；　at　any　rate　at　first。
Many　threats　were　uttered　against　us。　Says　Sir　Theophilus　Shepstone　in　one　of　his　despatches　of　that　day　to　Lord　Carnarvon：　“Every　effort　had　been　made　during　the　previous　fortnight　by；　it　is　said；　educated　Hollanders　who　had　but　lately　arrived　in　the　country；　to　rouse　the　fanaticism　of　the　Boers　and　to　induce　them　to　offer　‘bloody’　resistance　to　what　it　was　known　I　intended　to　do。　The　Boers　were　appealed　to　in　the　most　inflammatory　language　by　printed　manifestos　and　memorials　。　。　。　it　was　urged　that　I　had　but　a　small　escort　which　could　easily　be　overpowered。”
Indeed　there　is　no　doubt　that　at　times　during　these　months　we　went　in　considerable　risk。　I　will　not　set　down　all　the　stories　that　came　to　our　ears；　of　how　we　were　to　be　waylaid　and　shot　on　this　occasion　or　on　that；　but　an　incident　that　I　remember　shows　me　that　Shepstone　at　any　rate　thought　there　was　something　in　them。　One　night　I　and　another　member　of　the　staff　—　I　think　it　was　Mor　—　were　at　work　late；　copying　despatches　in　a　room　of　the　building　which　afterwards　became　Government　House。　This　room　had　large　windows　opening　on　to　a　verandah；　and　over　these　we　had　not　drawn　the　curtains。　Sir　Theophilus　came　in　and　scolded　us；　saying　that　we　ought　to　remember　that　we　made　a　very　easy　target　against　that　lighted　background。　Then　he　drew　the　curtains　with　his　own　hand。
The　Volksraad　met　and　discussed　all　kinds　of　matters；　but　nothing　came　of　their　labours；　except　the　appointment　of　a　mission　to　examine　into　the　state　of　the　country　and　confer　with　H。M。‘s　Special　missioner。　I　attended　some　of　their　debates　and　remember　the　scene　well。　They　were　held　in　a　long；　low　room　down　the　centre　of　which　stood　a　deal　table。　Round　this　table　sat　some　thirty　members；　most　of　them　Boers。　At　the　head　of　the　room　sat　the　Chairman　at　a　little　raised　desk；　by　the　side　of　which　stood　a　chair　for　the　use　of　the　President　of　the　State　when　he　visited　the　Volksraad。　Among　the　members　was　Paul　Kruger；　then　a　middle…aged　man　with　a　stern；　thick　face　and　a　squat　figure。　At　one　of　these　sittings　I　obtained　his　autograph；　a　curious　piece　of　calligraphy　which　I　am　sorry　to　say　I　have　lost。　We　saw　a　good　deal　of　“Oom　Paul”　in　those　days；　for　on　several　occasions　he　visited　the　Special　missioner。　Generally　I　showed　him　in　and　out；　and　I　recollect　that　the　man　impressed　me　more　than　did　any　of　the　other　Boers。
In　after　days　I　knew　that　Volksraad　Zaal　well　enough；　for　when　I　became　Master　and　Registrar　of　the　High　Court　I　used　to　sit　in　it　just　beneath　the　judge。
Doubtless　I　wrote　a　good　many　letters　home　at　this　time；　but　I　imagine　that　they　were　destroyed　either　on　receipt　or　perhaps　after　my　mother’s　death。　Four　or　five　of　them；　however；　my　father　preserved；　apparently　because　they　refer　to　money　matters。　A　little　while　ago　my　brother　William8　found　them　when　rummaging　through　papers　at　Bradenham；　and　kindly　sent　them　to　me。　I　have　just　re…read　them　for　the　first　time；　and；　as　a　full　generation　has　gone　by　since　they　were　written；　I　find　the　experience　strange　and　in　a　sense　sad。　The　intervening　years　seem　to　fall　away；　the　past　arises　real　and　vivid；　and　I　see　myself　a　slim；　quick…faced　young　fellow　seated　in　that　room　at　Pretoria　inditing　these　epistles　which　I　had　so　long　forgotten。　They　are　written　in　a　much　better　hand　than　I　can　boast　today；　every　word　being　clear　and　every　letter　well　formed；　which　doubtless　was　a　result　of　my　despatch　e　extracts。
8　Sir　Rider’s　eldest　brother；　the　late　Sir　W。　H。　D。　Haggard；　K。C。M。G。；　at　that　time　Minister　at　Rio。　—　Ed。
Pretoria；　S。A。R。：　March　13；　1877。
My　dear　Father；　—　Since　my　last　letter　matters　have　been　rapidly　advancing　and　drawing　to　a　close。　The　Raad；　after　making　a　last　move　at　once　futile　and　foolish；　has　prorogued　itself　and　left　matters　to　take　their　course。　Things　are　also　looking　much　more　peaceable；　and　I　do　not　think　that　there　will　be　any　armed　resistance。　At　one　time　an　outbreak　seemed　imminent；　in　which　case　we　should　have　run　a　very　fair　chance　of　being　potted　on　our　own　stoep。　。　。　。　I　spoke　a　day　or　two　ago　to　the　Chief　as　to　my　taking　home　the　despatches；　and　he　told　me　that　he　could　not　send　me　as　the　bearer　of　the　despatches；　1st：　because　it　was　no　longer　done　except　through　foreign　territories；　2nd：　because　I　might　be　delayed　on　the　road　by　sickness　or　accidents；　and　that　in　performing　a　long　journey　of　the　sort　a　mail…bag　had　a　better　chance　of　getting　safely　and　swiftly　to　its　destination　than　a　messenger。　“But；”　he　said；　“I　will　send　you　with　the　despatches　and　with　credentials　to　the　Colonial　authorities；　empowering　you　to　give　such　information　as　my　despatches　do　not　and　cannot　contain；　which　is　a　great　deal”　（Sir　T。　is　not　a　voluminous　writer）；　“and　in　this　way　you　will　be　a　living　despatch。”
This　is　perhaps　not　quite　so　good　as　taking　the　actual　letters；　since　I　shall　not　get　my　expenses；　but　as　far　as　regards　other　things　it　will　answer　my　purpose　equally　well。　It　will　be　something　to　my　name　in　case　I　wish　or　am　obliged　at　any　future　time　to　avail　myself　of　it。　Besides　it　is　indirectly　a　great　pliment　to　myself。　Any　young　fellow　can　carry　despatches；　but　it　is　not　for　everybody　of　my　age　and　short　experience　who　would　be　trusted　to　give　private　information　on　so　important　a　subject　as　the　unexpected　annexation　of　a　splendid　territory　as　large　as　Great　Britain；　information　which　may　very　probably　be　made　use　of　in　Parliament。　Since　I　have　been　here　I　have　done　my　best　to　study　the　question　and　to　keep　myself　informed　as　to　every　detail；　and　I　get　my　reward　in　this　manner　。　。　。　。
I　think　that　I　shall　e　home　via　the　Cape。　It　will　be　a　stiff　journey；　1200　miles　in　a　post…cart；　but　it　will　be　a　thing　to　have　done；　and　I　want　if　possible　to　get　to　London　at　the　same　time　as　despatches　announcing　the　Annexation。　When　the　Proclamation　will　go　I　cannot　say；　but　I　think　it　will　be　in　the　course　of　the　next　fortnight。　We　received　news　to…night　that　the　troops　and　guns　are　on　the　way　to　Newcastle。　I　shall　start　by　mail　following　the　issue　of　the　Proclamation。
We　are　going　on　as　usual　here　working　in　the　dark　（we　are　beginning　to　emerge　now）　and　waiting　the　result。　It　has　been　an　anxious　business；　but　I　think　that　we　are　all　right　now。
I　had　rather　that　my　letters　were　not　shown；　as　we　do　not　quite　know　what　line　the　Home　Government　is　going　to　take；　and　I　have　spoken　pretty　plainly。　＇All　these　letters　to　which　I　refer　here　are　missing。　—　H。　R。　H。＇
It　was　after　my　return　from　Secocoeni’s　and；　I　think；　within　a　day　or　two　of　the　Proclamation　being　issued；　that　I　received　that　harsh　epistle　from　my　father　of　which　I　have　written　earlier　in　this　book；　that；　as　I　have　said；　caused　me　at　the　last　moment　not　to　start　for　England。　It　was　a　very　foolish　act　on　my　part；　as　the　reader　who　studies　the　facts　will　see。　I　should　have　remembered　that　when　he　wrote　his　letter　my　father　could　not　have　known　that　I　was　ing　home　in　this　important　position；　namely　to　give　viva…voce　information　to　Lord　Carnarvon　as　to　all　the　circumstances　connected　with　the　Annexation。　Nor；　although　I　have　little　doubt　that　my　mother　and　my　sister　Mary；　now　Baroness　A。　d’Ahan；　were　privy　to　the　secret　and　private　reasons　for　my　journey；　to　which　I　have　also　already　alluded；　was　he　perhaps　aware　of　them。　However；　so　I　acted　in　my　hurt　pride　and　anger；　and　there　the　thing　remains。　I　may　say　in　excuse　of　this　want　of　judgment　that　I　was　very　young；　only　twenty；　and　that　I　had　to　make　up　my　mind　on　the　spot　while；　as　the　Zulus　say；　“my　heart　was　cut　in　two。”
Moreover　I　repeat　my　belief　that　the　finger　of　Fate　was　at　work　in　the　matter；　how　and　why　perhaps　we　should　have　to　go　back；　or　forward；　ages　or　aeons　to　explain。　Years　ago　I　came　to　the　conclusion　that　our　individual　lives　and　the　accidents　which　influence　them　are　not　the　petty　things　they　seem　to　be；　but　rather　a　part　of　some　great　scheme　whereof　we　know　neither　the　beginning　nor　the　end。　The　threads　of　our　destinies；　in　black　or　in　scarlet　or　in　sombre　grey；　appear　and　disappear　before　our　mortal　eyes；　but　who　can　figure　out　the　tapestry　that　they　help　to　weave？　That　picture　lies　beyond　our　ken　or　even　our　imagining。
The　insect　sees　more　than　the　worm；　the　snake　more　than　the　insect；　the　dog　more　than　the　snake；　and　the　man；　erect　in　his　pride；　more　than　all　of　them。　But　how　much　does　the　man　see　of　the　whole　great　universe；　or　even　of　this　little　earth？
To　the　best　of　my　belief　I　answered　my　father’s　letter；　which　I　think　I　destroyed　upon　the　spot；　very　briefly；　saying　that　I　had　abandoned　my　idea　of　ing　home。　Apparently　this　letter　was　not　preserved。　One　remains；　however；　which　appears　to　allude　to　the　subject；　and　from　it　I　quote　some　extracts。
Government　House；
Pretoria；　Transvaal：　June　1；　1877。
My　dear　Father；　—　I　have　to　acknowledge　your　two　letters　dated　respectively　27th　March　and　the　4th　April。　I　do　not　think　that　it　will　be　of　any　good　to　dwell　any　more　on　what　is　to　me；　in　some　ways　at　least；　a　rather　painful　subject　。　。　。　。
I　received　today　my　letter　of　appointment　as　English　Clerk　to　the　Colonial　Secretary’s　Office　with　a　salary　of　250　pounds　per　annum。　I　have　not　yet　got　my　appointment　as　Clerk　to　the　Executive　Council；　which　will　be　worth　nominally　100　pounds　per　annum；　but　in　reality　only　50　pounds。　It　was　to　have　been　gazetted　tomorrow　with　the　other；　but　the　Chief　thought　it　better　to　wait。　However；　unless　something　occurs；　I　shall　get　it　before　long；　as　soon　as　there　is　an　Executive　to　be　Clerk　to。　The　reason　that　50　pounds　is　to　be　knocked　off　is　that　it　is　not　desirable　to　give　offence　by　making　my　pay　higher　than　that　of　any　other　clerk　in　the　service；　and　though　virtually　I　shall　stand　first　on　the　list；　it　is　thought　better　that　I　should　not　be　nominally　either　under　or　over　the　one　or　ty　position　as　“English　Clerk”　will　be　a　perfectly　independent　one。　The　English　work　of　the　office　will　be　in　my　hands；　and　as　it　now　far　more　than　equals　the　Dutch　and　will　increase　day　by　day；　of　course　it　is　the　most　important　part　of　the　business　and　will　soon　swamp　the　other。
The　reason　of　the　delay　in　my　appointment　is　that　there　has　been　a　difference　of　opinion　about　it　between　the　Chief　and　Mr。　Osborn；　who　is　to　be　Colonial　Secretary　and　consequently　my　Head　of　Department　and；　under　the　Governor；　of　the　whole　service。　The　Chief　wished　me　to　stop　on　with　him　as　Despatch　Clerk　with　the　same　salary；　and　Obsorn　wanted　me　in　his　office。　In　the　end　they　promised　it：　my　appointment　is　made　out　as　above；　and　when　I　am　wanted　at　Government　House　I　am　to　go　there。　On　the　whole　I　would　rather　have　it　as　it　is；　for　the　work　will　be　more　interesting　though　harder；　and　the　position；　on　the　whole；　better。
So　much　for　the　appointment　itself；　now　as　regards　its　future　probable　or　possible　results。　。　。　。　It　is　far　better　to　take　service　here　than　in　Natal。　In　five　years　Natal　will　be　to　this　country　what　Ireland　is　to　England。　To　begin　with；　the　Transvaal　is　more　than　six　times　its　size。　If　the　Transvaal　at　all　realises　what　is　expected　of　it；　it　will　before　long；　with　its　natural　wealth　and　splendid　climate；　be　one　of　the　most　splendid　foreign　possessions　of　the　British　Crown；　and　if　as　is　probable　gold　is　discovered　in　large　quantities；　it　may　take　a　sudden　rush　forward；　and　then　one　will　be　borne　up　with　it。　So　that　whatever　happens　I　think　that　I　shall　always　do　pretty　well　here。　However；　my　aim　is　of　course　to　rise　to　the　position　of　a　Colonial　Governor；　and　to　do　that　I　must　trust　to　good　fortune　and　my　interest。　I　may；　or　I　may　not；　according　to　circumstances。　At　any　rate　I　have　now　got　my　foot　on　the　first　rung　of　the　Colonial　ladder；　and　D。V。　I　intend　to　climb　it。　Whether　I　have　done　better　than　I　should　have　done　by　first　reading　for　the　Bar　I　do　not　know：　there　is　much　to　be　said　on　both　sides。　The　great　thing　is　that　I　am　now　independent　and　shall；　I　hope；　put　you　to　no　more　expense　or　trouble；　of　both　of　which　I　am　afraid　I　have　given　you　too　much　already。
This　brings　me　to　the　subject　of　money。　I　am　very　sorry　to　see　from　your　letter　that　I　have　overdrawn　to　the　amount　of　25　pounds。　I　must　have　miscalculated；　as　I　was　under　the　impression　that　sum　made　up　the　200　pounds。　I　believe　however　that　if　you　think　it　over　you　will　not　consider　that　I　have　been　very　extravagant。　You　always　calculated　that　the　200　pounds　would　last　two　years；　and　it　is　nearly　two　years　since　I　left　England　（if　I　remember　right　it　was　this　very　day　two　years　ago　that　I　decided　to　e　to　Natal）。　I　have　had　to　draw　more　lately；　owing　to　the　heavy　expenses　I　have　had　to　meet　in　connection　with　this　Mission。　Horses；　arms　and　servants　cannot　be　had　for　nothing；　and　I　had　to　provide　myself　with　all。　If　I　get　any　pay　for　this　business　that　will　at　all　enable　me　to　do　so　I　hope　that　you　will　allow　me　to　remit　the　25　pounds。　If　not　I　fear　I　shall　have　to　draw　on　you　once　more　for　20　pounds　in　order　to　meet　some　debts　which　I　must　pay　before　the　month　is　up　in　connection　with　the　transhipping　of　my　baggage　to　Cape　Town　and　back；　etc。　I　shall　be　very　sorry　to　put　you　to　that　expense；　my　dear　Father；　but　I　trust　that　it　will　be　the　last　time　I　shall　ever　have　to　do　so。　As　to　pay　for　this　business；　I　live　in　hope。　I　rather　fear　that　the　Chief　may　consider　that　the　fact　of　accepting　service　under　this　Government　may　cancel　all　past　debts；　but　still　I　shall　have　a　shot　for　it。
June　5；　1877。
My　dear　Father；　—　I　thanked　the　Chief　the　other　day　for　the　appointment；　and　he　told　me　that　he　hoped　it　would　be　a　good　deal　better　soon；　but　that　he　was　not　sufficiently　firm　in　his　seat　yet　to　make　big　appointments。
I　don’t　at　all　know　how　I　am　going　to　live　here；　and　I　fear　that　I　shall　be　obliged　to　build　a　house。　Mr。　Osborn　gave　me　a　hint　the　other　day　that　I　should　be　wele　to　a　room　in　his　house　when　he　gets　settled。　He　has　not　got　a　house　yet：　there　are　none　to　get。　The　probabilities　are　that　I　shall　stay　in　this　country　for　many　years；　so　I　shall　have　to　build　something　sooner　or　later。