the days of my life-第62部分

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ovide　well　for　any　who　may　e　after　me；　at　this　I　do　not　grumble　in　the　least。　I　have　earned　a　good　average　ine　as　an　author　during　many　years；　and　perhaps　I　ought　to　have　saved　more。　But　investments　are　apt　to　turn　out　badly　when　the　investor　has　no　time　to　attend　to　them；　moreover；　as　I　think　I　said　I　have　discovered；　it　is　certainly　true　that　man　does　not　“live　to　himself　alone。”　There　are　plenty　of　those　who　claim　to　share　in　whatever　he　may　earn。　The　owner　of　any　fixed　property　in　our　part　of　rural　England　is；　in　fact；　nothing　but　a　distributor。　In　wages；　taxes；　and　subscriptions　he　hands　out　nearly　all　that　he　receives；　except；　of　course；　the　worries；　the　losses；　the　clamorous　and　almost　savage　demands　for　money　that　e　by　every　post；　and　the　various　official　forms　that　he　is　required　to　fill　in。　These　too　often　are　all　his　portion；　and　therefore　it　is　that　I　have　determined　to　sell　every　acre　of　our　outlying　lands　if　they　will　reach　to　a　very　moderate　reserve　figure　on　the　open　market。
And　now　“I　have　spoken！”　as　the　Zulus　say。　I　fear　that　these　volumes　are　somewhat　egotistical　in　their　contents　and　tone；　but　how　can　that　be　helped？　An　autobiography　which　did　not　treat　at　length　of　the　person　concerned　would　be　but　an　apple　dumpling　without　the　apple。
There　is　much　more　that　I　might　have　said。　For　instance；　I；　who　am　now　preparing　to　start　upon　a　great　journey　to　the　Antipodes；　have　found　neither　the　time　nor　the　courage　even　to　look　through　my　letters　received　during　the　last　ten　or　twelve　years。　I　have　dealt　simply　with　those　salient　points　that　occurred　to　me　and　hunted；　not　always　with　success；　for　such　documents　as　might　bear　upon　them。　Thus；　a　very　amusing　and　perhaps　an　interesting　chapter　might　have　be　posed　out　of　the　correspondence　which　I　have　received　from　writers　who　are　personally　unknown　to　me。　Should　I　live　and　find　time；　strength；　and　opportunity；　I　may　add　another　volume　to　this　record　descriptive　of　my　impressions　of　the　British　Empire；　the　greater　portion　of　which　I　am　about　to　visit。　But　who　knows　the　future　and　its　gifts？
So　ends　the　chronicle　of　Henry　Rider　Haggard　—　a　lover　of　the　kindly　race　of　men；　a　lover　of　children；　a　lover　of　his　friends　（and　no　hater　of　his　enemies）；　a　lover　of　flowers；　a　lover　of　the　land　and　of　all　creatures　that　dwell　thereon；　but　most　of　all；　perhaps；　a　lover　of　his　country；　which；　with　heart　and　soul　and　strength；　he　has　tried　to　serve　to　the　best　of　his　small　powers　and　opportunities。　May　every　blessing　be　on　her　—　every　success　to　her　arms　by　land　and　sea；　and　every　splendour　on　her　ancient　name；　during　the　troublous　times　that　are　to　e！　Yes；　and　all　confusion　to　any　of　her　sons　who；　for　selfish　ends；　would　drag　her　down　to　wreck！　Such　is　his　earnest　prayer！
Thus　then；　poor　sinner　that　I　am；　trustfully　as　a　wearied　child　that；　at　the　ing　of　the　night；　creeps　to　its　mother’s　knee；　do　I　mit　my　spirit　to　the　fort　of　those　Everlasting　Arms　that　were　and　are　its　support　through　all　the　fears　of　earth　and；　as　I　believe；　have　nursed　it　from　of　old！
One　boon；　from　infancy　to　age；　has　been　showered　upon　me　in　a　strange　abundance；　pressed　down　and　running　over　—　the　uncountable；　peculiar　treasure　of　every　degree　and　form　of　human　love；　which　love　alone；　present　or　departed；　has　made　my　life　worth　living。
But　if　it　is　all　to　cease　and　be　forgotten　at　the　borders　of　the　grave；　then　life　is　not　worth　living。　Such；　however；　is　no　faith　of　mine。
Farewell！
H。　Rider　Haggard。
Ditchingham：　September　25；　1912。
Chapter　23　A　NOTE　ON　RELIGION
S。S。　Arcadia；　December　16；　1912。　（Off　Aden。）
It　has　occurred　to　me　that　the　views　on　the　matter　of　religion　of　a　person　of　my　day　with　such　experiences　as　this　work　records　may　prove　of　interest　to　some　of　those　who　e　after　me；　and　possibly；　here　and　there；　of　help。　So　I　add　them　to　this　book　as　a　footnote　which　none　need　read　unless　they　wish。
First　I　should　state　that　I　am　not　a　theologian。　Theology　is　a　science　that　has　no　attraction　for　me。　In　this　great　question　of　our　future　life　or　death　I　find　no　place　for　subtleties　in　which　many　take　so　much　delight。　Such　is　the　constitution　of　my　mind。　The　fine　divisions　of　a　creed；　the　bitterness　that　rages　between　High　Church　and　Low；　for　instance；　awake　in　my　heart　neither　sympathy　nor　echo。　What　are　vestments　or　ritual　when　eternal　life　or　death　and　salvation　are　at　stake？　Even　the　great　gulf　fixed　between　Anglican　and　Roman　Catholic　is　to　me　narrow。　I　was　bred；　and　doubtless　shall　to　the　end　remain；　a　member　of　the　Church　of　England。　But；　on　the　other　hand；　I　have　a　great　admiration　for　many　parts　of　the　Roman　precept　and　practice。　Its　discipline　seems　to　me　beyond　praise；　the　support　it　gives　to　the　individual　struggling　and　affrighted　soul　shows　deep　understanding　of　the　eternal　needs　of　human　nature；　while　who　can　be　blind　to　the　abnegation　of　self　evinced　in　the　practice　of　celibacy　by　its　devoted　priesthood；　resulting；　as　it　does；　in　an　enormous　gain　to　its　efficiency　as　a　Church？
Further；　within　limits　that　I　need　not　discuss；　personally　I　think　the　virtue　of　Confession　which　it　inculcates　great；　since　thereby　is　brought　the　whole　weight；　wisdom　and　merit　of　the　Church　to　the　aid　of　the　particular　case。　I　am　aware　that　Confession　is　allowed　to　Anglicans　and　even；　in　a　sense；　enjoined　upon　them。　But　by　how　many　is　the　rite　employed？　And　why　is　it　not　employed？　The　question　may　be　answered　by　another。　Who　wishes　to　make　confessions　of　his　failings　—　to　lay　bare　that　wonderful　and　sometimes　awful　thing；　the　secret　soul　of　man；　to　Mrs。　Rector　or　Mrs。　Archdeacon；　or　even　to　a　selection　of　the　father　confessor’s　brothers　and　priests？　It　may　be　retorted；　not　without　indignation；　that　such　a　thing　would　not　happen。　Perhaps。　Yet　the　average　man　feels　a　risk　which　he　will　not　face。　Many　of　us　have　known　worthy　but　much　married　clergymen　whose　conjugal　confidences　are　famous。　In　consequence；　rightly　or　wrongly；　other　confidences　are　withheld　from　them；　and　with　the　abolition　of　a　one…doctrined；　properly　controlled；　responsible　and　non…amateur　celibate　priesthood；　Confession　has　gone　out　of　fashion。　This；　however；　is　by　the　way。
The　trouble　about　the　Roman　Church　is　not　only　its　notorious　intolerance　and　bigotry；　of　which　history　tells；　but　the　fact　that　some　of　the　doctrines；　as　I　understand　them；　are　not　to　be　found　in　the　New　Testament；　which　after　all　is　the　Christian’s　only　charter。　Since　the　Scriptures　are　of　no　private　interpretation　what　is　not　written　there　is；　so　far　as　they　are　concerned；　presumably　non…existent。　It　is　this　truth　that　keeps　so　many　from　the　gates　of　Rome。　Perhaps　in　some　day　to　e　she　will　modify　her　attitude　in　certain　directions；　as　we　may　modify　ours；　and　the　two　greatest　divisions　of　the　Church　of　Christ　will　draw　together　again。　I　trust　and　pray　that　this　may　be　so　and　that　thus　an　united　front　may　be　presented　to　the　evil　that　is　in　the　world；　which　lessens　little；　if　at　all；　with　the　passage　of　the　ages。
In　the　same　way　that　I　admire　and　respect　the　Roman　Church　do　I　admire　and　respect　a　Body　which　stands　at　the　other　religious　pole　—　I　refer　to　the　Salvation　Army。　But　this　Body；　splendid　as　is　its　work；　makes　what　I　consider　the　mistake　of　omitting　the　use　of　the　Sacraments　which　seem　to　me　to　be　clearly　enjoined　by　the　New　Testament。　As　the　Roman　Church　elaborates　the　sum　total　of　the　corpus　of　our　faith；　so　the　Salvation　Army　deducts　from　that　sum。　But　it　has　been　explained　to　me　that　the　late　General　Booth　did　this　of　set　purpose；　because　he　did　not　think　that　the　people　with　whom　he　had　to　deal　understood　the　Sacraments。
I　do　but　quote　these　two　extremes；　however；　each　of　which　I　think　so　admirable　in　its　own　fashion；　as　evidence　of　the　statement　with　which　I　opened　these　remarks；　to　the　effect　that　whatever　I　may　or　may　not　be；　I　am　no　bigot。　Now　I　will　try　to　show　why　I　believe　in　the　simple　and　unadulterated　doctrines　of　Christianity　as　these　appear　within　the　four　corners　of　the　New　Testament　and　are　preached　by　the　Church　to　which　I　belong。
There　are；　of　course；　many　varieties　of　what　is　known　as　Faith。　There　is；　for　instance；　the　unquestioning　Faith　which　many　profess　because　it　is　there；　because　they　inherited　or　were　taught　it　in　childhood。　Such　persons　have　looked　and　need　to　look　no　further。　Theirs　not　to　reason　why；　and　they　are　fortunate　and　happy　in　this　attitude。
Others　have　a　more　difficult　experience。　When　the　intellect　awakes　it　begins　to　question；　and　often　enough　finds　no　satisfactory　answer。　It　bees　aware　that　all　these　divine　events　happened　a　long　while　ago；　also　that　the　evidence　for　them　is　not　of　a　nature　that　forces　conviction　per　se；　at　any　rate　at　first　sight。　For　instance；　no　judge　would　send　an　accused　person　to　gaol　on　the　testimony　which；　for　some　purpose　beyond　our　ken；　has　been　considered　sufficiently　strong　to　enable　mankind　to　accept　a　very　wonderful　story　and　to　build　thereon　the　hope　or　rather　the　certainties　of　redemption　and　eternal　life　beyond　the　chances　and　changes　of　this　mortality。　Some　are　thereby　entirely　discouraged　and；　rejecting　what　they　conclude　must　be　a　fable；　set　themselves　sadly　to　make　the　best　of　things　as　they　are；　awaiting　the　end　with　resignation；　with　terror；　or　with　the　callous　indifference　of　despair；　according　to　their　individual　temperaments。　Others　start　out　on　wild　searches　of　their　own。　They　examine　the　remaining　religions；　they　try　spiritualism；　they　bring　themselves；　or　so　imagine；　into　some　faint　and　uncertain　touch　with　the　dead；　the　Unseen　and　the　Powers　that　dwell　therein；　only　after　all　to　return　unsatisfied；　unsettled；　hungry　—　frightened　also　at　times　—　and　doubtful　of　the　true　source　of　their　vision。　For　in　all　these　far　seas　they　can　find　no　sure；　anchored　rock　on　which　to　stand　and　defy　the　storms　of　Fate。　Those　alien　religions　may　suit　and　even　be　sufficient　to　the　salvation　of　their　born　votaries；　but　to　these　philosophical　inquirers　they　are　not　sufficient。　Moreover；　they　find　that　Christianity　embodies　whatever　is　true　and　good　in　every　one　of　them；　rejecting　only　the　false　and　evil。　To　take　but　one　example；　all；　or　very　nearly　all；　of　the　beautiful　rules　and　maxims　of　Buddha　are　to　be　found　in　the　teaching　of　our　Lord。　but　there　is　this　difference　between　the　faiths　they　preached。　Whereas　that　of　Buddha；　as　I　understand　it；　is　a　religion　of　Death；　holding　up　cessation　of　mundane　lives　and　ultimate　extinction　as　the　great　reward　of　virtue；　Christianity　is　a　religion　of　Life；　of　continued　individual　being；　full；　glorious；　sinless　and　eternal；　to　be　won　by　those　who　choose　to　accept　the　revelation　of　its　Founder。　Who　then　can　hesitate　between　the　two？　Who　wishes　to　be　absorbed　into　the　awful　peace　of　Nothingness？　Why；　such；　without　its　precedent　preparation；　was　the　refuge　of　the　Roman　who　opened　his　veins　when　things　went　wrong　or　Caesar　frowned！
Thus　it　es　about　that　these　seekers　after　spiritual　truth　remain　drifting　to　and　fro　in　their　little　boats　of　hope；　that　grow　at　length　so　frail　and　old；　and　mayhap　in　the　end　founder　altogether。
Or　perhaps　they　turn　in　despair　and；　aware　of　the　overwhelming　importance；　of　the　awfulness　of　the　issue　indeed；　to　which　all　other　things　are　as　naught；　face　the　situation　afresh；　study　afresh；　think　afresh；　pray　afresh；　perchance　for　years　and　years。　If　so；　there　is　really　only　one　work　with　which　they　need　trouble　themselves；　the　New　Testament；　and　parts　of　the　Old　such　as　the　Psalms。　At　least　that　is　my　experience　—　the　experience　of　a　plain　man　in　search　of　truth。
I　suppose　that　for　the　last　fifteen　or　twenty　years；　except　very　occasionally　through　accident　or　a　sense　of　unworthiness；　scarcely　a　day　has　gone　over　my　head　on　which　I　have　not　once　（the　last　thing　at　night）　and　often　more　than　once；　read　a　portion　of　the　Bible。　The　result　is　that　now　I　find　it　fresher；　stronger；　more　convincing；　more　full　of　hidden　meaning　than　I　did　when　I　began　this　exercise。　“Search　the　Scriptures”　was　a　very　great　and　potent　saying；　for　in　them　I　think　is　life。
What；　it　may　be　asked；　do　you　find　there；　beyond　picturesque　narrative　and　the　expression　of　hopes　natural　to　the　hearts　of　members　of　a　race　that　in　a　few　short　years　must　throb　itself　to　silence？　I　answer　that　in　all　their　main　facts　they　are　true。　I　have　been　accustomed　to　write　fiction　for　a　space　of　nearly　a　whole　generation；　and　I　know　something　of　the　business。　Having　this　experience　at　my　back　I　declare　earnestly　that；　with　a　single　exception；　I　do　not　think　it　possible　that　the　gospels　and　the　rest　can　be　the　work　of　man’s　imagination。　That　exception　is　the　Book　of　Revelation；　which　might　possibly　have　been　conceived　by　some　noble　human　mind　in　a　wonderful　period　of　spiritual　exaltation。　I　hasten　to　add　that　I　am　certain　this　was　not　the　case；　that　on　the　contrary　it　was　divinely　inspired；　whatever　the　actual　meaning　of　parts　of　it　may　be。　All　I　say　is　that；　in　my　view；　it　alone　of　the　books　of　the　New　Testament　might　perhaps　be　a　fruit　of　human　powers　of　creation。
With　the　remainder　of　them　it　is　different。　These；　I　am　sure；　are　records　of　things　that　were　said　or　happened　very　much　as　they　are　written　down。　Who；　for　instance；　could　have　invented　the　account　of　the　Last　Supper　in　St。　John？　A　thousand　touches；　patent　enough　to　the　eye　of　one　who　poses　romance；　show　that　this　view　is　true；　the　very　inconsistencies　or　variations　in　the　different　accounts　of　certain　incidents；　due　for　the　most　part　to　the　varying　temperaments　of　the　recorders　that　cause　them　to　dwell　upon　that　aspect　of　the　matter　in　hand　which　appealed　to　them；　rejecting　or　slurring　over　the　others；　suggest　that　it　is　true。　Any　person　who　has　been　accustomed　to　hear　evidence　knows　that　such　evidence　is　most　suspicious　when　a　number　of　witnesses　tell　exactly　the　same　story；　especially　as　to　events　that　happened　a　while　before；　and　most　credible　when　that　story　es　from　sundry　mouths　with　differences　of　detail。
So；　the　critic　will　say；　you　are　prepared　to　swallow　the　miracles　at　a　gulp？　Yes；　I　am　—　or　most　of　them。　I　do　not　see　how　they　are　to　be　explained　away；　moreover；　I　have　known　so　many　miracles　to　occur　in　my　own　time　and　experience　that　a　few　more　or　less　make　no　difference　to　me。　To　state　that　miracles；　which　after　all　may　be　but　the　partial　manifestation　of　some　secret　law　veiled　from　us　as　yet；　have　ceased　is；　in　my　opinion；　a　profound　mistake；　they　happen　often；　especially　in　the　heart　of　man。　Moreover；　the　whole　circumstances　of　life　are　a　miracle；　the　wireless　instrument　that　at　this　moment　I　hear　doing　its　work　is　a　miracle；　we　are　surrounded　by　miracles；　unappreciated；　unvalued；　because　so　mon。　This；　though　a　truism；　is　one　from　which　we　may　argue。
I　believe；　therefore；　that　these　things　took　place　substantially　as　they　are　recorded；　that　a　God…endowed　Being　of　supernatural　strength　did　show　signs　and　wonders　before　the　eyes　of　His　generation；　and　for　the　subsequent　instruction　of　mankind。　If　this　is　not　true；　or　rather；　if　the　greatest　of　these　signs　is　not　true；　then　Christianity　falls　to　the　ground；　it　is　a　well　dug　in　sand　that　will　hold　no　water；　and　what　tens　of　millions　have　believed　and　believe　to　be　a　gateway　to　a　better　and　enduring　world　is　but　a　glorious　morning　cloud　which　melts　away　and　is　lost　in　the　vastness　of　the　ether。　Then；　as　St。　Paul　says；　we　are　of　all　men　the　most　miserable；　then　let　us　ea