the days of my life-第64部分

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Such　at　least　is　an　article　of　my　creed。　Nor；　now　that　I　have　reached　to　it；　can　I　find　therein　any　point　of　difference　between　it　and　what　the　Saviour　taught。　There　was　a　time；　indeed；　when　I　did　not　credit　the　existence　of　an　embodied　evil。　To…day　I　have　learned　otherwise。　For　in　truth　all　these　avenues　of　experience；　search　and　thought；　after　many　circuitous　journeyings　and　expeditions　into　nothingness；　have　just　led　me　back　to　the　eternal　verities　that　I　was　taught　at　my　mother’s　knee；　at　some　of　which；　such　as　the　efficacy　of　prayer　（though　through　it　all；　from　habit　or　from　hope；　I　never　ceased　to　pray）　and　the　actual　existence　of　this　our　Arch…Enemy；　to　my　shame　be　it　said；　I　was　wont　to　shrug　my　shoulders；　if　not　to　scoff。　Yes；　these　wings　of　prayer　which　once　I　thought　as　fanciful　as　those　of　angels　in　the　cottage　pictures；　have　borne　me　to　a　frail　pinnacle　of　the　temple　of　my　trembling　soul；　whence　at　times；　very　faint　and　far　away；　across　the　gulf　of　our　mortality；　I　seem　to　catch　some　glimpse　of　the　Holy　Mount　and　of　the　veiled　and　throbbing　Glory　that　broods　thereon。　A　vain　fancy　of　the　striving　heart；　the　reader　will　perhaps　declare；　and　it　may　be　so；　though　I　pray　that　it　is　not。
There　would　seem　also　to　be　some　external　evidence　which　goes　to　support　the　doctrine　of　the　continuance　of　the　personality　beyond　the　changes　of　death。　Spiritualism　I　do　not　include；　since　although　many　people；　some　of　them　of　great　intellect　and　high　character；　believe　in　it；　and　I　know　well　that　whatever　it　may　be　it　is　not　all　fraud；　however　much　it　may　be　mixed　with　fraud；　I　am　by　no　means　satisfied　as　to　the　real　origin　of　its　phenomena。　Without　expressing　any　definite　opinion；　at　times　I　incline　to　the　view　that　it　also　is　but　a　device　of　the　Devil；　by　specious　apparitions　and　the　exhibition　of　an　uncanny　knowledge　which　may　be　one　of　his　attributes；　to　lead　heart…sick　mortals　into　regions　they　were　not　meant　to　travel　and　there　infect　them　with　the　microbe　of　some　alien；　unknown　sin。
On　one　point；　however；　I　am　clear。　Whether　or　no　it　is　lawful　for　trained　and　scientific　minds　to　enter　on　these　dangerous　investigations　in　the　interests　of　a　search　for　some　truth　which　it　may　be　intended；　in　the　fulness　of　time　shall　be　revealed　for　the　guidance　and　benefit　of　the　world；　the　majority　of　men　and　women；　especially　if　they　be　young；　will　do　well　to　leave　them　quite　alone。　The　risks　are　too　many；　and　the　fruits　of　such　research；　however　golden　they　may　seem；　are　apt　to　be　unsatisfying；　if　not　deadly。　The　parable　of　Eve　and　the　forbidden　apple　of　the　Tree　of　Knowledge；　from　the　eating　of　which　came　death　and　sorrow；　still　has　applications　in　these　latter　days。　Once　I　tried　to　point　this　moral　in　a　tale　I　wrote　which　is　named　“Stella　Fregelius。”
Nor　can　we　rely　too　much　upon　the　revelations　of　such　seers　as　Swedenborg；　for　these　may　be　and　doubtless　often　are　self…deceived　or　the　victims　of　hallucinations。　In　short；　of　all　such　matters　and　dogmas；　if　so　they　may　be　called；　including　that　of　theosophy　which　its　interesting　and　gigantic　dreams　reported　to　emanate　from　the　teaching　of　“Masters”　whose　address　it　seems　impossible　to　discover；　it　may　be　said　that；　like　that　of　reincarnation；　they　are　superfluous。　The　Christian　can　afford　to　wait　to　learn　the　truth　of　them　—　or　perhaps　their　fallacy。
We　tread　on　firmer　ground　when　we　consider　that　as　far　back　as　history　shows　her　light；　and　beyond　it　as　the　graves　of　primitive　peoples　prove；　the　almost　universal　instinct　of　mankind　was　to　believe　that　death　is　but　a　gate　of　other　forms　of　continued　and　individual　Life。　I　know　of　no　instinct　which　haunts　breathing　creatures　that　is　uselessly　given　without　purpose；　and　does　not　serve　some　necessary　or　protective　object　or　reflect　some　existent　truth。　Why；　then；　among　them　all　should　this　rooted　conviction　that　physical　decease　is　not　the　end　of　man　be　but　a　vain　thing　fondly　imagined？　Such　a　conclusion　seems　inconsistent；　even　unnatural　and　absurd。　But　if　our　faith　is　strong　enough　to　enable　us　to　accept　Christ’s　teaching；　again　what　need　is　there　for　us　to　seek　support　in　instincts　which　it　is　possible　we　do　not　understand　aright？
To　one　fact；　corroborative　in　its　nature；　I　think；　however；　weight　should　be　given；　that　of　the　fatherhood　of　God；　displayed　towards　those　of　His　children　who　seek；　or　who　in　His　foresight　He　knows；　in　some　other　day　or　place；　will　seek　the　fort　and　protection　of　His　love。　How　any　reflecting　man　who　has　led　a　full　and　adventurous　life　can　doubt　the　present；　living　power　of　that　fatherhood　passes　my　understanding！　Certainly　I　cannot。　When　we　rode　the　wild　horses　of　our　youthful　sins；　the　red　blood　coursing　through　our　veins　like　wine；　who　was　it　that　seized　the　reins　and　again　and　yet　again　delivered　us　from　the　last　disaster？　Who　was　it　that　has　so　often　protected　us　from　the　results　of　our　own　self…willed　folly　and　even　turned　it　to　our　advantage？　Who　that　by　His　gift　of　a　higher　hope　has　stilled　the　raging　agony　of　our　griefs？　Who　that　by　the　unexpected　answers　springing　at　us　from　the　Bible’s　written　page　or　with　some　word　spoken；　apparently　at　hazard；　by　one　of　His　servants　upon　earth；　has　removed　our　doubts；　enlightened　our　darkness　and　strengthened　our　wavering　soul？　Who　that　has　shown　us　a　way　of　escape　from　sharp　temptation？　Or；　amongst　a　thousand　other　examples；　who　that　has　borne　with　our　presumptuous　profanities　and　ingratitude　and　at　last　in　His　own　good　hour　has　set　our　erring　feet　upon　the　paths　of　peace？　Or；　to　take　one　more　example；　who　was　it　that　by　a　dream　and　a　vision　of　the　night　taught　me　that　His　humbler　creatures　are　my　kin　and　not　called　to　life　to　be　slaughtered　for　my　pleasure；　even　though　some　of　them　must　die　to　serve　my　necessities？　Yet　again；　who　twice　has　snatched　me　by　the　hair　from　the　murderer’s　spears　and　bullets；　twice　from　death　in　the　deep；　and　from　a　score　of　other　perils；　perchance　that　I　might　live　on　to　bear　this　witness；　unworthy　though　it　be？
I　have　spoken　of　this　fatherhood　as　a　fact　corroborative　in　its　nature　of　the　truth　of　the　arguments　which　I　have　so　feebly　attempted　to　advance　with　reference　to　the　immortality　of　our　souls。　For　this　reason。　Even　among　the　lowest　of　us　fatherhood　implies　love。　The　fathers　are　few　who　desire　that　even　their　erring　and　unthankful　children　should　die　and　vanish　from　their　sight　for　ever；　and　much　less　that　these　should　live　on　in　suffering　for　all　uncounted　time。　Can　we　then　for　one　instance　imagine　that　the　Architect　and　Author　of　the　universe；　the　Supreme；　the　Absolute；　He　who　was　and　is　and　shall　be；　He　whose　Holy　Name　is　Love；　the　Begetter　of　Spirits　and　of　men；　desires　that　His　children　should　be　tormented；　or　die　and　not　endure；　redeemed　and　purified；　to　adore　and　serve　Him？　Not　so！　Not　for　this　does　He　count　the　sparrows　that　fall　and　number　the　very　hairs　upon　our　heads。　In　His　cup　is　the　wine　of　life　—　if　we　will　but　drink　—　not　the　henbane　of　death　eternal。　He　is　the　God　of　the　living；　not　of　the　dead。　Did　not　the　Saviour　say　it　that　we　might　know　and　believe？
And　if　your　reasonings　are　sound；　if　what　you　say　is　true；　the　reader　may　ask；　if　the　righteous　are　redeemed　and　live　to　look　upon　the　Presence　to　all　infinities；　still　what　hope　is　there　for　you　who　are　not　righteous；　who　are　but　a　mon　flesh…stained　sinner？　As　I　shall　not　then　be　here　to　answer　I　will　strive　to　answer　now；　praying　for　grace　that　I　may　do　so　aright。　With　utter　humility；　in　true　unfeigned　abasement　of　heart　and　spirit　I　will　answer。　Was　there　not　one　Mary　Magdalene　out　of　whom　Christ　cast　seven　devils？　Was　there　not　a　woman　taken　in　adultery　whom　He　refused　to　judge？　Did　He　not　declare　that　there　is　joy　in　heaven　over　one　sinner　that　repenteth？　Did　He　not　bid　those　that　were　heavy…laden　to　e　to　Him　and　taste　of　rest？　Therefore　it　is　that　millions　such　as　I；　men　who　in　the　course　of　life　have　erred　deeply　in　some　things　and　fallen　short　in　many；　may　still　dare　to　hope。　Also　who　are　the　righteous？　Even　St。　Paul　speaks　of　the　war　within　him。　Is　it　not　written　that　there　are　no　righteous　on　this　side　of　the　grave　—　none　nearly　perfect？　They　would　not　be　human　if　they　were。　All；　even　deans　and　bishops；　or　some　of　them；　have　need　of　grace。　Surely　it　is　the　attitude　and　strivings　of　the　caged　spirit　that　will　be　considered；　not　the　shortings　of　the　gaoler　body；　the　desire　not　the　deeds；　for　if　it　prove　otherwise　who　can　escape　when　the　heart　is　weighed　in　the　balance？　To　my　mind　the　great　sin　is　not　to　seek　forgiveness　for　sins　—　not　to　try　to　avoid　them　in　the　future。　All　stumble　into　the　mire；　but　of　those　who　elect　to　wallow　there　and　of　those　who　deliberately　refuse　the　saving　hand　that　is　stretched　out　to　them；　what　can　be　said？　Well；　perhaps　they　may　be　given　other　opportunities　elsewhere。　As　a　believer　in　the　infinite　mercy　of　God　I　dare　to　trust　that　this　will　be　so。
I　desire　to　urge；　however；　upon　any　who　care　to　listen　these　three　things　which　I　myself　have　learned　in　the　course　of　years。　First；　the　enormous　importance　of　all　this　matter。　Secondly；　the　folly　of　sin。　Thirdly；　since　it　needs　must　be　that　offences　will　e；　the　urgent　need　of　repentance　before　in　some　other　life　or　lives　we　are　called　upon　to　reap　the　harvest　of　that　unrepented　folly。
What　is　life　as　we　know　it；　even　if　that　life　be　not　a　single　volume　but　a　series　of　chapters　which　will　ultimately　be　bound　into　a　pleted　book？　A　few　breaths　melting　into　the　immensity　of　this　bitter　air；　a　few　dewdrops　sparkling　on　a　single　thorn　in　the　great　dim　forest　—　no　more。　And　what　is　Eternity？　Ah！　I　cannot　answer。　Yet　I　do　believe　that　our　fate　in　the　second　depends　not　so　much　upon　our　doings；　perhaps；　as　on　our　struggles　in　the　first。　Surely；　then；　it　behoves　us　to　be　up　and　stirring　while　there　is　still　time。　For　if　we　neglect　the　opportunity　who　knows；　as　age　sweeps　on　to　endless　age；　with　what　agonies　of　grief　we　may　repent　that　which　can　no　more　be　remedied；　because　as　we　have　chosen　so　we　must　go；　as　the　tree　falls　so　must　it　lie。　Even　in　this　world　the　might…have…been　is　a　thing　terrible　to　contemplate；　what；　then；　may　it　be　in　a　world　that　will　neither　suffer　us　to　die　nor　die　itself？　To　be　cast　out　to　the　murk　while　others　serve　in　honour　within　the　glowing　gates；　to　be　told　to　chew　the　cud　of　our　unbelief　or　to　eat　of　the　husks　and　drink　of　the　sour　wine　of　our　desires　till　we　loathe　the　taste　and　stench　of　them；　while　others　—　among　them；　perchance；　our　most　adored　—　feed　on　the　manna　of　the　blest；　to　endure　the　reproaches　and　the　heaped…up　hate　of　the　panions　of　our　woe；　to　be　separated　from　those　we　loved　and　who　loved　us；　those　who　have　chosen　the　better　part　—　oh！　surely　we　need　fly　to　no　obscene　phantasies　of　mediaeval　torture　to　paint　the　picture　of　a　blacker　hell。　Even　if　mercy　finds　us　at　the　last；　as　for　my　part　I　think　it　must　and　will；　what　sufferings　must　we　first　endure！　—　for　of　this　we　may　be　certain；　that　if　in　such　conditions　we　should　cease　to　suffer；　then　we　shall　be　lost　and　draw　near　to　the　Second　Death　whence　we　can　scarcely　hope　to　rise　again。　For　the　soul；　as　for　the　body；　pain　is　a　healthy　symptom。　When　it　passes　we　are　apt　to　mortify　and　—　cease。
Now；　like　a　Scotch　preacher；　I　go　to　my　second　head：　the　folly　of　sin　whereof　even　here　the　heritage　is　of　sackcloth　and　of　ashes。　Never　was　there　a　truer　saying　than　that　the　Devil　is　the　worst　of　paymasters。　If　we　go　against　the　rules　of　the　game　as　they　are　laid　down　for　us　by　the　creed　we　serve　in　that　part　of　the　world　in　which　we　have　been　born；　even　when　those　rules　seem　not　natural　to　us；　we　err；　and　what　is　more　we　injure　others；　which　is　surely　the　essence　of　sin。　For；　as　I　have　said；　the　laws　of　Nature　differ　from　the　laws　of　God　as　these　are　revealed　to　us　（and　we　must　follow　the　higher　Light）　—　a　fact　from　which　I　am　sometimes　tempted　to　argue　that　Nature；　“red　in　tooth　and　claw；”　is　not　begotten　of　God　alone。　Surely　the　powers　called　Satan　and　Death　have　had　a　hand　in　its　makings。　Thus　Nature　says　to　Everyman　who　is　a　man：
“See　where　She　stands　with　longing　arms　and　lips　that　murmur　love。　Hark　to　what　She　says　who　would　be　the　mother　of　your　child：　‘Seek！　Seek　for　heaven　hid　in　these　dark　eyes　of　mine　and　find　all　Earth’s　desire。　Drink！　Drink　of　the　Mysteries　from　the　cup　of　this　rich　heart　of　mine　and　learn　what　Life　can　be。　Sleep！　Sleep　and　dream　of　naught　but　me　on　this　kind　breast　of　mine　which　shall　breathe　for　you　alone　until　the　Night　forgets　her　stars。’”
“Touch　not；　taste　not；　handle　not；”　answers　the　cold　stern　Law。　“Pass　on；　she　is　not　thine。”
Often　enough　it　is　Nature　that　prevails　and；　having　eaten　of　the　apple　that　She；　our　Mother；　gives　us；　we　desire　no　other　fruit。　But　always　the　end　is　the　same：　its　sweetness　turns　to　gravel　in　our　mouth。　Shame　es；　sorrow　es；　e　death　and　separations。　And；　greater　than　all　of　these；　remorse　rises　in　the　after　years　and　stands　over　us　at　night；　since；　when　our　eyes　are　no　longer　clouded　with　the　mists　of　passion；　we　see　and　bewail　our　wickedness。
For　sin　has　this　quality。　Like　some　bare；　black　peak　in　a　plain　of　flowers　it　dominates　all　our　landscape。　However　far　we　wander　never　can　we　escape　the　sight　of　it。　Our　virtues；　such　as　they　may　be；　are　dwarfed　and　lost　in　the　dark　shadows　thrown　up　by　our　towering　crime。　True　and　honest　love　of　wife　and　child；　unceasing　thought　for　others；　vicarious　sufferings　on　behalf　of　others；　often　sharp　enough　to　sadden；　whatever　kind　deeds　and　charities　may　lie　within　our　power；　the　utter　and　heartfelt　forgiveness　of　all　who　have　wronged　us；　the　struggles　that　we　made　as　the　snare　closed　round　us；　the　memories　of　those　keen　temptations　from　which　we　have　escaped　—　it　will　be　noted　that　these　are　ever　of　a　sort　to　appeal　to　whatever　sin　doth　so　easily　beset　us　—　high　friendships　well　deserved；　fair　fame　well　won；　duty　well　done；　such　are　the　flowers　upon　the　plain　we　travel。　Yet　we　forget　them；　we　do　not　even　note　them；　because　of　that　black　mount　of　evil　which　our　stained　hands　piled　and　the　icy　gloom　it　throws。　Never；　never　can　we　be　free　of　it　till　prayer　has　brought　unfeigned　repentance；　and　these；　hand　in　hand；　have　led　us　on　to　Faith；　and　Faith；　opening　her　door；　has　shown　us　the　far…off　glory　of　Forgiveness；　which　glory；　growing　ever　brighter；　falls　at　length　upon　our　heads　in　blessing　and；　when　we　turn　our　dazzled　eyes　to　seek　the　familiar　mount　of　shame　—　lo！　it　is　gone。
The　third　head；　that　of　the　necessity　of　repentance；　needs　no　elaboration。　Of　it　I　have　already　said　enough。　If　we　have　forgotten　out　Creator　in　the　days　of　our　youth　—　or　even　of　our　age　—　let　us　at　least　obey　the　cry　of　His　Messengers；　and　repent；　repent　while　there　is　yet　time。　“The　Promises　are　sure　if　only　we　will　believe”　were　the　last　words　of　my　friend；　the　aged　William　Booth　—　very　true　words。　And　of　these　promises　perhaps　the　greatest　and　the　happiest　for　man　is　that　of　full　and　free　forgiveness　to　those　who　kneel　and　from　the　heart　will　say；　“Father；　I　have　sinned。　Father；　forgive！”
But　to　do　this　we　must　have　Faith。　When　Faith　fails　there　is　nought　but　blackness　in　which　we　wander　helplessly　and　in　vain。　Even　our　Lord　（as　I　venture　to　think；　and　I　know　one　very　learned　bishop　who　agrees　with　me）　as　a　man　perhaps　walked　the　world　more　by　Faith　than　by　knowledge。　It　may　be　that　this　was　the　heaviest　of　His　temptations