the notebook-恋恋笔记本(英文版)-第13部分

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ch　as　she　raises　her　hazy　eyes　to　mine。　She　pulls　my　hand　towards　her。　〃You're　wonderful。。。〃　she　says　softly；　and　at　that　moment　she　falls　in　love　with　me；　too；　this　I　know；　for　I　have　seen　the　signs　a　thousand　times。

She　says　nothing　else　right　away；　she　doesn't　have　to；　and　she　gives　me　a　look　from　another　lifetime　that　makes　me　whole　again。　I　smile　back；　with　as　much　passion　as　I　can　muster；　and　we　stare　at　each　other　with　the　feelings　inside　us　rolling　like　ocean　waves。　I　look　about　the　room；　then　back　at　Allie；　and　the　way　she's　looking　at　me　makes　me　warm。　And　suddenly　I　feel　young　again。　I'm　no　longer　cold　or　aching；　or　hunched　over　or　almost　blind　with　cataracts。　I'm　strong　and　proud　and　the　luckiest　man　alive；　and　I　keep　on　feeling　that　way　for　a　long　time。

By　the　time　the　candles　have　burned　down　a　third；　I　am　ready　to　break　the　silence。　I　say；　〃I　love　you　deeply　and　I　hope　you　know　that。〃

〃Of　course　I　do；〃　she　says。　〃I've　always　loved　you；　Noah。〃

Noah；　I　hear　again。　The　word　echoes　in　my　head。　Noah　。　。　。　Noah。　She　knows；　I　think　to　myself；　she　knows　who　I　am　。　。　。

She　knows。　。　。　。　Such　a　tiny　thing；　this　knowledge；　but　for　me　it　is　a　gift　from　God；　and　I　feel　our　lifetime　together；　holding　her；　loving　her；　and　being　with　her　through　the　best　years　of　my　life。

She　murmurs；　〃Noah　。　。　。　my　sweet　Noah　。。。”

And　I；　who　could　not　accept　the　doctors'　words；　have　triumphed　again；　at　least　for　a　moment。　I　give　up　the　pretence　of　mystery；　and　I　kiss　her　hand　and　bring　it　to　my　cheek　and　whisper　in　her　ear：　〃You　are　the　greatest　thing　that　has　ever　happened　to　me。〃

　　　　〃Oh　。　。　。　Noah；〃　she　says　with　tears　in　her　eyes；　〃I　love　you；　too。〃

IF　ONLY　IT　would　end　like　this；　I　would　be　a　happy　man。

But　it　won't。　Of　this　I'm　sure；　for　as　time　slips　by　I　begin　to　see　the　signs　of　concern　in　her　face。

〃What's　wrong？〃　I　ask；　and　her　answer　es　softly。

〃I'm　so　afraid。　I'm　afraid　of　forgetting　you　again。　It　isn't　fair　。　。　。　I　just　can't　bear　to　give　this　up。〃　Her　voice　breaks　as　she　finishes；　but　I　don't　know　what　to　say。　I　know　the　evening　is　ing　to　an　end　and　there　is　nothing　I　can　do　to　stop　the　inevitable。　In　this　I　am　a　failure。

I　finally　tell　her：　〃I'll　never　leave　you。　What　we　have　is　for　ever。〃

She　knows　this　is　all　I　can　do；　for　neither　of　us　wants　empty　promises。

The　crickets　serenade　us；　and　we　begin　to　pick　at　our　dinner。　Neither　one　of　us　is　hungry；　but　I　lead　by　example　and　she　follows　me。　She　takes　small　bites　and　chews　a　long　time；　but　I　am　glad　to　see　her　eat。　She　has　lost　too　much　weight　in　the　past　three　months。

After　dinner；　I　bee　afraid　for　I　know　the　bell　has　tolled　this　evening。　The　sun　has　long　since　set　and　the　thief　is　about　to　e；　and　there　is　nothing　I　can　do　to　stop　it。　So　I　stare　at　her　and　wait　and　live　a　lifetime　in　these　last　remaining　moments。

　　　　The　clock　ticks。

Nothing。

　I　take　her　in　my　arms　and　we　hold　each　other。

Nothing。

I　feel　her　tremble　and　I　whisper　in　her　ear。

Nothing。

I　tell　her　for　the　last　time　this　evening　that　I　love　her。

And　the　thief　es。

It　always　amazes　me　how　quickly　it　happens。　Even　now；　after　all　this　time。　For　as　she　holds　me；　she　begins　to　blink　rapidly　and　shake　her　head。　Then；　turning　towards　the　corner　of　the　room；　she　stares　for　a　long　time；　concern　etched　on　her　face。

No！　my　mind　screams。　Not　yet！　Not　now　。　。　。　not　when　we're　so　close！　Not　tonight！　Any　night　but　tonight。　。　。　。　Please！　I　can't　take　it　again！　It　isn't　fair　。　。　It　isn't　fair　。　。　。

But　once　again；　it　is　to　no　avail。

〃Those　people；〃　she　finally　says；　pointing；　〃are　staring　at　me。　Please　make　them　stop。〃

The　gnomes。　A　pit　rises　in　my　stomach；　hard　and　full。　My　mouth　goes　dry　and　I　feel　my　heart　pounding。　It　is　over；　I　know。　This；　the　evening　confusion　that　affects　my　wife；　is　the　hardest　part　of　all。　For　when　it　es；　she　is　gone；　and　sometimes　I　wonder　whether　she　and　I　will　ever　love　again。

〃There's　no　one　there；　Allie；〃　I　say；　trying　to　fend　off　the　inevitable。

She　doesn't　believe　me。　〃They're　staring　at　me。　You　can't　see　them？〃

〃No；〃　I　say；　and　she　thinks　for　a　moment。

〃Well；　they're　right　there；〃　she　says；　〃and　they're　staring　at　me。〃

With　that；　she　begins　to　talk　to　herself；　and　moments　later；　when　I　try　to　fort　her；　she　flinches　with　wide　eyes。

〃Who　are　you？〃　she　cries　in　panic；　her　face　being　whiter。　〃What　are　you　doing　here？〃　She　backs　away　from　me；　her　hands　in　a　defensive　position；　and　then　she　says　the　most　heartbreaking　words　of　all。　〃Go　away！　Stay　away　from　me！〃　She　is　pushing　the　gnomes　away　from　her；　terrified；　oblivious　of　my　presence。

I　stand　and　cross　the　room　to　her　bed。　I　am　weak　now；　my　legs　ache；　and　there　is　a　strange　pain　in　my　side。　It　is　a　struggle　to　press　the　button　to　call　the　nurses；　for　my　fingers　are　throbbing　and　seem　frozen　together；　but　I　finally　succeed。　They　will　be　here　soon　now；　I　know；　and　I　wait　for　them。

I　sit　by　the　bed　with　an　aching　back　and　start　to　cry　as　I　pick　up　the　notebook。　I　am　tired　now；　so　I　sit；　alone　and　apart　from　my　wife。　And　when　the　nurses　e　in　they　see　two　people　they　must　fort。　A　woman　shaking　in　fear　and　the　old　man　who　loves　her　more　deeply　than　life　itself　crying　softly　in　the　corner；　his　face　in　his　hands。

BY　THE　following　week；　my　life　had　pretty　much　returned　to　normal。　Or　at　least　as　normal　as　my　life　could　be。　Reading　to　Allie；　who　was　unable　to　recognize　me　at　any　time；　reading　to　others；　wandering　the　halls。　Lying　awake　at　night　and　sitting　by　my　heater　in　the　morning。　I　found　a　strange　fort　in　the　predictability　of　my　life。

On　a　cool；　foggy　morning　eight　days　after　she　and　I　had　spent　our　day　together；　I　woke　early；　as　is　my　custom；　and　pottered　around　my　desk；　alternately　looking　at　photographs　and　reading　letters　written　many　years　before。　At　least　I　tried　to。　I　couldn't　concentrate　too　well　because　I　had　a　headache；　so　I　put　them　aside　and　went　to　sit　in　my　chair　by　the　window　to　watch　the　sun　e　up。　Allie　would　be　awake　in　a　couple　of　hours；　I　knew；　and　I　wanted　to　be　refreshed；　for　reading　all　day　would　only　make　my　head　hurt　more。

I　closed　my　eyes　for　a　few　minutes　then；　opening　them；　I　watched　my　old　friend；　the　creek；　roll　by　my　window。　Unlike　Allie　I　had　been　given　a　room　where　I　could　see　it；　and　it　has　never　failed　to　inspire　me。　It　is　a　contradiction　this　creek—a　hundred　thousand　years　old　but　renewed　with　each　rainfall。　It　is　life；　I　think；　to　watch　the　water。　A　man　can　learn　so　many　things。

It　happened　as　I　sat　in　the　chair；　just　as　the　sun　peeped　over　the　horizon。　My　hand；　I　noticed；　started　to　tingle；　something　it　had　never　done　before。　I　started　to　lift　it；　but　I　was　forced　to　stop　when　my　head　pounded　again；　this　time　hard；　almost　as　if　I　had　been　hit　in　the　head　with　a　hammer。　I　closed　my　eyes　tightly。　My　hand　stopped　tingling　and　began　to　go　numb；　as　if　my　nerves　had　been　severed　somewhere　on　my　lower　arm。　A　shooting　pain　rocked　my　head　and　seemed　to　flow　down　my　neck　and　into　every　cell　of　my　body；　like　a　tidal　wave；　crushing　and　wasting　everything　in　its　path。

I　lost　my　sight　and　I　heard　what　sounded　like　a　train　roaring　inches　from　my　head；　and　I　knew　that　I　was　having　a　stroke。　The　pain　coursed　through　my　body　like　a　lightning　bolt；　and　in　my　last　remaining　moments　of　consciousness　I　pictured　Allie；　lying　in　her　bed；　waiting　for　the　story　I　would　never　read；　lost　and　confused；　pletely　and　totally　unable　to　help　herself。

I　WAS　UNCONSCIOUS　on　and　off　for　days；　and　in　those　moments　when　I　was　awake　I　found　myself　hooked　to　machines；　two　bags　of　fluid　hanging　near　the　bed。　I　could　hear　the　faint　hum　of　machines；　sometimes　making　sounds　I　could　not　recognize；　and　found　myself　lulled　to　never…never　land　time　and　time　again。

I　could　see　the　concern　in　the　doctors'　faces　as　they　scanned　the　charts　and　adjusted　the　machines。　Grim　faces　would　prelude　their　predictions—〃loss　of　speech；　loss　of　movement；　paralysis。〃　Another　chart　notation；　another　beep　of　a　strange　machine；　and　they'd　leave；　never　knowing　I　heard　every　word。　I　tried　not　to　think　of　these　things　afterwards；　but　instead　concentrated　on　Allie；　bringing　a　picture　of　her　to　my　mind　whenever　I　could。　I　tried　to　feel　her　touch；　hear　her　voice；　and　when　I　did　tears　would　fill　my　eyes　because　I　didn't　know　if　I　would　be　able　to　hold　her　again。　This　was　not　how　I'd　imagined　it　would　end。　I'd　always　assumed　I　would　go　last。

I　drifted　in　and　out　of　consciousness　for　days　until　another　foggy　morning　when　my　promise　to　Allie　spurred　my　body　once　again。　I　opened　my　eyes　and　saw　a　room　full　of　flowers；　and　their　scent　motivated　me　further。　I　looked　for　the　buzzer；　struggled　to　press　it；　and　a　nurse　arrived　thirty　seconds　later；　followed　closely　by　Dr。　Barnwell。

〃I'm　thirsty；〃　I　said　with　a　raspy　voice；　and　Dr。　Barnwell　smiled　broadly。

〃Wele　back；〃　he　said；　〃I　knew　you'd　make　it。〃

TWO　WEEKS　LATER　I　am　able　to　leave　the　hospital；　though　I　am　only　half　a　man　now。　The　right　side　of　my　body　is　weaker　than　the　left。　This；　they　tell　me；　is　good　news；　for　the　paralysis　could　have　been　total。　Sometimes；　it　seems；　I　am　surrounded　by　optimists。

The　bad　news　is　that　my　hands　prevent　me　from　using　either　my　cane　or　wheelchair；　so　I　must　march　now　to　my　own　unique　cadence　to　keep　upright。　Not　left…right…left　as　in　my　youth；　or　even　the　shuffle…shuffle　of　late；　but　rather　slow…shuffle；　slide…the…right；　slow…shuffle。　I　am　on　an　epic　adventure　now　when　I　travel　the　halls。

　When　I　return　to　my　room；　I　know　I　will　not　sleep。　I　breathe　deeply　and　smell　the　springtime　fragrances　that　filter　through　the　open　window。　There　is　a　slight　chill　in　the　air　and　I　find　that　I　am　invigorated　by　the　change　in　temperature。　Evelyn；　one　of　the　many　nurses　here；　helps　me　to　the　chair　by　the　window。　She　puts　her　hand　on　my　shoulder　and　pats　it　gently。　She　says　nothing；　and　by　her　silence　I　know　that　she　is　staring　out　of　the　window。　Then　she　leans　forward　and　tenderly　kisses　me　on　the　cheek。

〃It's　good　to　have　you　back。　Allie's　missed　you　and　so　have　the　rest　of　us。　We　were　all　praying　for　you　because　it's　just　not　the　same　around　here　when　you're　gone。〃　She　smiles　at　me　and　touches　my　face　before　she　leaves。　I　say　nothing。

The　stars　are　out　tonight　and　the　crickets　are　singing。　As　I　sit；　I　wonder　if　anyone　outside　can　see　me；　this　prisoner　of　flesh。　I　search　the　courtyard；　looking　for　signs　of　life；　but　there　is　nothing。　Even　the　creek　is　still。　In　the　darkness　it　looks　like　empty　space　and　I　find　that　I'm　drawn　to　its　mystery。　I　watch　for　hours；　and　as　I　do　I　see　the　reflection　of　clouds　on　the　water。　A　storm　is　ing　and　in　time　the　sky　will　turn　silver；　like　dusk　again。

Lightning　cuts　the　wild　sky　and　I　feel　my　mind　drift　back。　Who　are　we；　Allie　and　I？　Are　we　ancient　ivy　on　a　cypress　tree；　tendrils　and　branches　intertwined　so　closely　that　we　would　both　die　if　we　were　forced　apart？　Another　bolt　and　the　table　beside　me　is　lit　enough　to　enable　me　to　see　a　picture　of　Allie；　the　best　one　I　have。　I　had　it　framed　years　ago　in　the　hope　that　the　glass　would　make　it　last　for　ever。　I　reach　for　it　and　hold　it　inches　from　my　face。　She　was　forty…one　when　it　was　taken；　and　she　had　never　been　more　beautiful。　There　are　so　many　things　I　want　to　ask　her；　but　I　know　the　picture　won't　answer；　so　I　put　it　aside。

I　finally　stand　and　walk　to　my　desk　and　turn　on　the　lamp。　This　takes　more　effort　than　I　think　it　will；　and　I　am　strained；　so　I　do　not　return　to　the　window　seat。　I　sit　down　and　spend　a　few　minutes　looking　at　the　pictures　on　my　desk。　Family　pictures；　pictures　of　children　and　vacations。　Pictures　of　Allie　and　me。

Since　this　seems　to　be　a　night　of　memories；　I　look　for　and　find　my　wedding　ring。　It　is　in　the　top　drawer；　wrapped　in　tissue。　I　cannot　wear　it　any　more　because　my　knuckles　are　swollen　and　my　fingers　lack　for　blood。　I　unwrap　the　tissue　and　find　it　unchanged。　It　is　powerful—a　symbol；　a　circle—and　I　know；　I　know；　there　could　never　have　been　another。　I　whisper　aloud；　〃I　am　still　yours；　Allie；　my　queen；　my　timeless　beauty。　You　are；　and　always　have　been；　the　best　thing　in　my　life。〃

It　is　eleven　thirty　and　I　look　for　the　letter　she　wrote　to　me；　the　one　I　read　when　the　mood　strikes　me。　I　find　it　where　I　last　left　it。　I　open　it　and　my　hands　begin　to　tremble：

Dear　Noah；

I　write　this　letter　by　candlelight　as　you　lie　sleeping　in　the　bedroom　we　have　shared　since　the　day　we　were　married。　I　see　the　flame　beside　me　and　it　reminds　me　of　another　fire　from　decades　ago；　with　me　in　your　soft　clothes；　and　I　knew　then　we　would　always　be　together；　even　though　I　wavered　the　following　day。　My　heart　had　been　captured　by　a　southern　poet；　and　I　knew　inside　that　it　had　always　been　yours。　Who　was　I　to　question　a　love　that　rode　on　shooting　stars　and　roared　like　crashing　waves？　For　that　is　what　it　was　between　us　then　and　that　is　what　it　is　today。

I　remember　ing　back　to　you　the　day　after　my　mother　left。　I　was　so　scared　because　I　was　sure　you　would　never　forgive　me　for　leaving　you。　I　was　shaking　as　I　got　out　of　the　car；　but　you　took　it　all　away　with　your　smile。　〃How　about　some　Coffee？〃　was　all　you　said。　And　you　never　brought　it　up　again　in　all　our　years　together。

Nor　did　you　question　me　when　I　would　leave　and　walk　alone　during　the　next　few　days。　When　I　came　in　with　tears　in　my　eyes；　you　always　knew　whether　I　needed　you　to　hold　me　or　to　just　let　me　be。　I　don't　know　how　but　you　did；　and　you　made　it　easier　for　me。　Later；　when　we　went　to　the　small　chapel　and　exchanged　our　rings　and　made　our　vows；　I　looked　into　your　eyes　and　knew　I　had　made　the　right　decision。　More　than　that；　I　knew　I　was　foolish　for　ever　considering　someone　else。　I　have　never　wavered　since。

We　had　a　wonderful　life　together；　and　I　think　about　it　a　lot　now。　I　close　my　eyes　sometimes　and　see　you　with　speckles　of　grey　in　your　hair；　sitting　on　the　porch　and　playing　your　guitar　while　little　ones　play　and　clap　to　the　music　you　create。　〃You're　a　better　father　than　you　know；〃　I　tell　you　later；　after　the　children　are　sleeping。

I　love　you　for　many　things；　especially　your　passions：　love　and　poetry　and　fatherhood　and　friendship　and　beauty　and　nature。　And　I　am　glad　you　have　taught　the　children　these　things；　for　I　know　their　lives　are　better　for　it。　They　tell　me　how　special　you　are　to　them；　and　it　makes　me　feel　like　the　luckiest　woman　alive。

You　have　taught　me　as　well；　and　inspired　me　and　supported　me　in　my　painting；　and　you　will　never　know　how　much　it　has　meant　to　me　that　you　were　always　there；　encouraging　me。　You　understood　my　need　for　my　own　studio；　my　own　space；　and　saw　beyond　the　paint　on　my　clothes　and　in　my　hair。　I　know　it　was　not　easy。　It　takes　a　man　to　do　that；　Noah；　to　live　with　something　like　that。　And　you　have。　For　forty…five　years　now。　Wonderful　years。

You　are　my　best　friend　as　well　as　my　lover；　and　I　do　not　know　which　side　of　you　I　enjoy　the　most。　I　treasure　each　side；　just　as　I　have　treasured　our　life　together。　You　have　something　inside　you；　Noah；　something　beautiful　and　strong。　Kindness；　that's　what　I　see　when　I　look　at　you　now；　that's　what　everyone　sees。　Kindness。

I　know　you　think　me　crazy　for　making　us　write　our　story　before　we　finally　leave　our　Home；　but　I　have　my　reasons　and　I　thank　you　for　your　patience。　I　never　told　you　why；　but　now　I　think　it　is　time　you　knew。　We　have　lived　a　lifetime　most　couples　never　know；　and　when　I　look　at　you