the notebook-恋恋笔记本(英文版)-第5部分

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Noah　opened　the　beer　and　poured　it　in　the　water；　then　added　the　hot　sauce　and　some　other　seasoning。　After　stirring　the　water　to　make　sure　the　powders　dissolved；　he　went　to　the　back　door　to　get　the　crabs。

He　paused　for　a　moment　before　going　back　inside　and　stared　at　Allie；　watching　her　cut　the　carrots。　As　he　did　that；　he　wondered　again　why　she　had　e；　especially　now　that　she　was　engaged。　None　of　this　made　much　sense　to　him。　But　then　Allie　had　always　been　surprising。

He　smiled；　remembering　the　way　she　had　been。　Fiery；　spontaneous；　passionate—as　he　imagined　most　artists　to　be。　And　she　was　definitely　that。　Artistic　talent　like　hers　was　a　gift。　He　remembered　seeing　some　paintings　in　the　museums　in　New　York　and　thinking　that　her　work　was　just　as　good。

She　had　given　him　a　painting　before　she’d　left　that　summer。　It　hung　above　the　fireplace　in　the　living　room。　She’d　called　it　a　picture　of　her　dreams；　and　to　him　it　had　seemed　extremely　sensual。　When　he　looked　at　it；　and　he　often　did　late　in　the　evening；　he　could　see　desire　in　the　colours　and　the　lines；　and　if　he　focused　carefully　he　could　imagine　what　she　had　been　thinking　with　every　stroke。

A　dog　barked　in　the　distance；　and　Noah　realized　he　had　been　standing　with　the　door　open　a　long　time。　He　closed　it　quickly　and　went　into　the　kitchen。

“How’s　it　going？”　he　asked；　seeing　she　was　nearly　finished。

“Good。　I’m　almost　done　here。　Anything　else　for　dinner？”

“I　have　some　Homemade　bread　that　I　was　planning　on。　From　a　neighbour；”　he　added　as　he　put　the　pail　in　the　sink。　He　began　to　rinse　the　crabs；　holding　them　under　the　tap；　then　letting　them　scurry　around　the　sink　while　he　rinsed　the　next　one。　Allie　picked　up　her　cup　and　came　over　to　watch　him。

“Aren’t　you　afraid　they’ll　pinch　you？”

“No。　Just　grab　‘em　like　this；”　he　said；　demonstrating。

She　smiled。　“I　forget　you’ve　done　this　your　whole　life。”

She　leaned　against　the　counter；　standing　close　to　him；　and　emptied　her　cup。　When　the　crabs　were　ready　he　put　them　in　the　pot　on　the　stove。　He　washed　his　hands；　turning　to　speak　to　her　as　he　did　so。

“You　want　to　sit　on　the　porch　for　a　few　minutes？　I’d　like　to　let　them　marinate　for　a　half…hour。”

“Sure；”　she　said。

He　wiped　his　hands；　and　together　they　went　to　the　back　porch。　Noah　flicked　on　the　light　as　they　went　outside；　and　he　sat　in　the　older　rocker；　offering　the　newer　one　to　her。　When　he　saw　her　cup　was　empty；　he　went　inside　for　a　moment　and　emerged　with　a　refill　and　a　beer　for　himself。　He　held　out　the　cup　and　she　took　it；　sipping　again　before　she　put　it　on　the　table　beside　the　chairs。

“You　were　sitting　out　here　when　I　came；　weren’t　you？”

“Yeah。　I　sit　out　here　every　night。　It’s　a　habit　now。”

“I　can　see　why；”　she　said　as　she　looked　around。　“So；　what　is　it　you　do　these　days？”

“Actually；　I　don’t　do　anything　but　work　on　the　house　right　now。

It　satisfies　my　creative　urges。”

“How　can　you。。。　I　mean。。。〃

“Morris　Goldman。　My　old　boss　from　up　north。　He　offered　me　a　part　of　the　Business　just　as　I　enlisted；　and　died　before　I　got　Home。　When　I　got　back　to　the　states；　his　lawyers　gave　me　a　cheque　big　enough　to　buy　this　place　and　fix　it　up。”

She　laughed　under　her　breath。　“You　always　told　me　you’d　find　a　way　to　do　it。”

They　both　sat　quietly　for　a　moment；　thinking　back　again。　Allie　took　another　sip　of　tea。

“Do　you　remember　sneaking　over　here　the　night　you　first　told　me　about　this　place？”

He　nodded；　and　she　went　on：　“I　got　Home　a　little　late　that　evening；　and　my　parents　were　furious　when　I　finally　came　in。　I　can　still　picture　my　daddy　standing　in　the　living　room　smoking　a　cigarette；　my　mother　on　the　sofa　staring　straight　ahead。　I　swear；　they　looked　as　if　a　family　member　had　died。　That　was　the　first　time　my　parents　knew　I　was　serious　about　you；　and　my　mother　had　a　long　talk　with　me　later　that　night。　She　said　to　me；　‘I’m　sure　you　think　that　I　don’t　understand　what　you’re　going　through；　but　I　do。　It’s　just　that　sometimes　our　future　is　dictated　by　what　we　are；　as　opposed　to　what　we　want。’　I　remember　being　really　hurt　when　she　said　that。”

“You　told　me　about　it　the　next　day。　It　hurt　my　feelings；　too。　I　liked　your　parents　and　I　had　no　idea　they　didn’t　like　me。”

“It　wasn’t　that　they　didn’t　like　you。　They　didn’t　think　you　deserved　me。”

“There’s　not　much　difference。”

“I　know　that　I　always　did。　Maybe　that’s　why　my　mother　and　I　always　seem　to　have　a　distance　between　us　when　we　talk。”

“How　do　you　feel　about　it　now？”

“The　same　as　I　did　back　then。　That　it’s　wrong；　that　it　isn’t　fair。　It　was　a　terrible　thing　for　a　girl　to　learn；　that　status　is　more　important　than　feelings。”

Noah　said　nothing。

“I’ve　thought　about　you　ever　since　that　summer；”　she　said。

“You　have？”

“Why　wouldn’t　you　think　so？”　She　seemed　genuinely　surprised。

“You　never　answered　my　letters。”

“You　wrote？”

“Dozens　of　letters。　I　wrote　to　you　for　two　years　without　receiving　a　single　reply。”

She　slowly　shook　her　head　before　lowering　her　eyes。　“I　didn’t　know。。　。”　she　said　finally；　quietly；　and　he　knew　it　must　have　been　her　mother　checking　the　mail；　removing　the　letters　without　her　knowledge。　It　was　what　he　had　always　suspected；　and　he　watched　as　Allie　came　to　the　same　realization。

“It　was　wrong　of　her　to　do　that；　Noah；　and　I’m　sorry　she　did。　But　try　to　understand。　Once　I　left；　she　probably　thought　it　would　be　easier　for　me　to　just　let　it　go。　She　never　understood　how　much　you　meant　to　me；　and；　to　be　honest。　I　don’t　even　know　if　she　ever　loved　my　father　the　way　I　loved　you。　In　her　mind；　she　was　just　trying　to　protect　my　feelings；　and　she　probably　thought　the　best　way　to　do　that　was　to　hide　the　letters　you　sent。”

“That　wasn’t　her　decision　to　make；”　he　said　quietly。

“I　know。”

“Would　it　have　made　a　difference　even　if　you’d　got　them？”

“Of　course。　I　always　wondered　what　you　were　up　to。”

“No；　I　mean　with　us。　Do　you　think　we　would　have　made　it’？”

It　took　a　moment　for　her　to　answer。　“I　don’t　know；　Noah。　I　really　don’t；　and　you　don’t　either。　We’re　not　the　same　people　we　were　then。　We’ve　changed。　Both　of　us。”

She　paused。　He　didn’t　respond；　and　in　the　silence　she　looked　towards　the　creek。　She　went　on。　“But　yes；　Noah；　I　think　we　would　have。　At　least；　I’d　like　to　think　we　would　have。”

He　nodded；　looked　down；　then　turned　away。　“What’s　Lon　like？”

She　hesitated；　not　expecting　the　question。　Bringing　up　Lon’s　name　brought　slight　feelings　of　guilt　to　the　surface；　and　for　a　moment　she　didn’t　know　how　to　answer。　She　reached　for　her　cup；　took　another　sip　of　tea；　then　spoke　quietly。

“Lon’s　handsome；　charming　and　successful。　He’s　kind　to　me；　he　makes　me　laugh；　and　I　know　he　loves　me　in　his　own　way。”　She　collected　her　thoughts。　“But　there’s　always　going　to　be　something　missing　in　our　relationship。”

She　surprised　herself　with　her　answer　but　knew　it　was　true　noheless。　And　she　also　knew　by　looking　at　him　that　Noah　had　suspected　the　answer　in　advance　when　he　asked；　“Why？”

She　shrugged　and　her　voice　was　barely　above　a　whisper。　“I　guess　I　still　look　for　the　kind　of　love　we　had　that　summer。”

Noah　thought　about　what　she　had　said；　thought　about　the　relationships　he’d　had　since　he’d　last　seen　her。

“How　about　you’？”　she　asked。　“Did　you　ever　think　about　us？”

“All　the　time。　I　still　do。”

“Are　you　seeing　anyone’？”

“No；”　he　answered；　shaking　his　head。　He　finished　his　beer。　“I’m　going　to　go　and　start　the　water。　Can　I　get　you　anything’？”

She　shook　her　head；　and　Noah　went　to　the　kitchen　and　put　the　crabs　in　the　steamer　and　the　bread　in　the　oven。　He　found　some　flour　and　cornflour　for　the　vegetables；　coated　them；　and　put　some　fat　into　the　frying　pan。　After　turning　the　heat　on　low；　he　set　a　timer　and　pulled　another　beer　from　the　icebox　before　heading　back　to　the　porch。　And　while　he　was　doing　those　things；　he　thought　about　Allie　and　the　love　that　was　missing　from　both　their　lives。

Allie；　too；　was　thinking。　About　Noah；　about　herself；　about　a　lot　of　things。　For　a　moment　she　wished　that　she　weren’t　engaged；　but　then　quickly　cursed　herself。　It　wasn’t　Noah　she　loved；　she　loved　what　they　once　had　been。　Besides；　it　was　normal　to　feel　this　way。　Her　first　real　love；　the　only　man　she’d　ever　been　with—how　could　she　expect　to　forget　him？

Yet　was　it　normal　for　her　insides　to　twitch　whenever　he　came　near？　Was　it　normal　to　confess　things　she　could　never　tell　anyone　else？　Was　it　normal　to　e　here　three　weeks　before　her　wedding　day？

“No；　it’s　not；”　she　finally　whispered　to　herself　as　she　looked　to　the　evening　sky；　“there’s　nothing　normal　about　any　of　this。”

Noah　came　out　at　that　moment　and　she　smiled　at　him；　glad　he’d　e　back　so　she　didn’t　have　to　think　about　it　any　more。

“It’s　going　to　take　a　few　minutes；”　he　said　as　he　sat　down。

“That’s　fine。　I’m　not　that　hungry　yet。”

He　looked　at　her　then；　and　she　saw　the　softness　in　his　eyes。　“I’m　glad　you　came；　Allie；”　he　said。

“Me　too。　I　almost　didn’t；　though。”

“Why　did　you　e？”

I　was　pelled；　she　wanted　to　say；　but　didn’t。

“Just　to　see　you；　to　find　out　what　you’ve　been　up　to。　To　see　how　you　are。”

He　wondered　if　that　was　all；　but　didn’t　question　further。　Instead　he　changed　the　subject。　“By　the　way。　I’ve　been　meaning　to　ask；　do　you　still　paint？”

She　shook　her　head。　“Not　any　more。”

He　was　stunned。　“Why　not？　You　have　so　much　talent。”

“It’s　a　long　story。”

“I’ve　got　all　night；”　he　answered。

“Did　you　really　think　I　was　talented？”　she　asked　quietly。

“C’mon；”　he　said；　reaching　out　for　her　hand。　“I　want　to　show　you　something。”

She　got　up　and　followed　him　through　the　door　to　the　living　room。　He　stopped　in　front　of　the　fireplace　and　pointed　to　the　painting　that　hung　above　the　mantelpiece。　She　gasped；　surprised　she　hadn’t　noticed　it　earlier；　more　surprised　it　was　here　at　all。

“You　kept　it’？”

“Of　course　I　kept　it。　It’s　wonderful。”

She　gave　him　a　sceptical　look；　and　he　explained。　“It　makes　me　feel　alive　when　I　look　at　it。　Sometimes　I　have　to　get　up　and　touch　it。　It’s　just　so　real—the　shapes；　the　shadows；　the　colours。　It’s　incredible；　Allie。　You　mean　to　tell　me　no　one　has　ever　told　you　that　before？”

“My　professor　did；”　she　said；　“but　I　guess　I　didn’t　believe　him。”　He　knew　there　was　more。　Allie　looked　away　before　continuing　“I’ve　been　drawing　and　painting　since　I　was　a　child。　I　guess　that　once　I　got　a　little　older　I　began　to　think　I　was　good　at　it。　I　enjoyed　it　too。　I　remember　working　on　this　painting　that　summer；　adding　to　it　every　day；　changing　it　as　our　relationship　changed。　I　don’t　even　remember　how　it　started　or　what　I　wanted　it　to　be；　but　somehow　it　evolved　into　this。

“I　remember　being　unable　to　stop　painting　after　I　went　Home　that　summer。　I　think　it　was　my　way　of　avoiding　the　pain　I　was　going　through。　Anyway。　I　ended　up　majoring　in　art　in　college　because　it　was　something　I　had　to　do；　I　remember　spending　hours　in　the　studio　all　by　myself　and　enjoyed　every　minute。　I　loved　the　freedom　I　felt　when　I　created；　the　way　it　made　me　feel　to　make　something　beautiful。　Just　before　I　graduated；　my　professor；　who　happened　to　also　be　the　critic　for　the　paper；　told　me　I　had　a　lot　of　talent。　He　told　me　I　should　try　my　luck　as　an　artist。　But　I　didn’t　listen　to　him。”

She　stopped　for　a　moment；　gathering　her　thoughts。

‘My　parents　didn’t　think　it　was　proper　for　someone　like　me　to　paint　for　a　living。　I　just　stopped　after　a　while。　I　haven’t　touched　a　brush　in　years。”　She　stared　at　the　painting。　“I’m　not　sure　if　I　can　paint　any　more。　It’s　been　a　long　time。”

“You　can　still　do　it。　Allie。　I　know　you　can。　You　have　a　talent　that　es　from　inside　you；　from　your　heart；　not　from　your　fingers。　What　you　have　can’t　ever　go　away。　It’s　what　other　people　only　dream　about。　You’re　an　artist；　Allie。”

The　words　were　spoken　with　such　sincerity　that　she　knew　he　wasn’t　saying　it　just　to　be　nice。　He　truly　believed　in　her　ability；　and　for　some　reason　that　meant　more　to　her　than　she　expected。　She　turned　to　face　him。　She　reached　over　and　touched　his　hand；　hesitantly；　gently；　amazed　that　after　all　these　years　had　somehow　known　exactly　what　she’d　needed　to　hear。　When　their　eyes　locked；　she　once　again　realized　how　special　he　was。

And　for　just　a　fleeting　moment；　a　tiny　wisp　of　time　that　hung　in　the　air　like　fireflies　in　summer　skies；　she　wondered　if　she　was　in　love　with　him　again。

　　　　THE　TIMER　WENT　off　in　the　kitchen；　and　Noah　turned　away；　strangely　affected　by　what　had　just　happened　between　them。　Her　eyes　had　spoken　to　him　and　whispered　something　he　longed　to　hear；　yet　he　couldn’t　stop　the　voice　inside　his　head；　her　voice　that　had　told　him　of　her　love　for　another　man。　He　silently　cursed　the　timer　as　he　walked　to　the　kitchen　and　removed　the　bread　from　the　oven。　He　saw　that　the　frying　pan　was　ready。　He　added　the　vegetables　and　heard　them　begin　to　crackle。　Then　he　got　some　but…ter　out　of　the　icebox；　spread　some　on　the　bread　and　melted　a　hit　more　for　the　crabs。

Allie　had　followed　him　into　the　kitchen　and　cleared　her　throat。

“Can　I　get　the　table　ready？”

Noah　used　the　bread　knife　as　a　pointer。　“Sure；　plates　are　over　there。　Utensils　and　napkins　there。　Make　sure　you　get　plenty—　crabs　can　be　messy。”　He　couldn’t　look　at　her　as　he　spoke。　He　didn’t　want　to　be　mistaken　about　what　had　just　happened　between　them。

Allie　too；　was　wondering　about　the　moment　and　feeling　warm　as　she　thought　of　it。　The　words　he’d　spoken　replayed　in　her　head　as　she　found　everything　she　needed　for　the　table　settings。　Noah　handed　her　the　bread　and　their　fingers　touched　briefly。

He　turned　his　attention　back　to　the　frying　pan　and　stirred　the　vegetables。　He　lifted　the　lid　of　the　steamer；　saw　the　crabs　still　had　a　minute；　and　let　them　cook　some　more。　He　was　more　posed　now　and　returned　to　small　talk；　easy　conversation。

“Have　you　ever　had　crab　before？”

“A　couple　of　times。　But　only　in　salads。”

He　laughed。　“Then　you’re　in　for　an　adventure。　Hold　on　a　sec…ond。”　He　disappeared　upstairs　for　a　moment；　then　returned　with　a　navy…blue　button…down　shirt。　He　held　it　out　for　her。

“Here；　put　this　on。　I　don’t　want　you　to　stain　your　dress。”

Allie　put　it　on　and　smelt　the　fragrance　that　lingered　in　the　shirt—his　smell；　distinctive；　natural。

“Don’t　worry。”　he　said；　seeing　her　expression；　“it’s　clean。”

She　laughed。　“I　know。　It　just　reminds　me　of　our　first　real　date。　You　gave　me　your　jacket　that　night；　remember？”

He　nodded。

The　vegetables　and　crabs　were　ready　at　about　the　same　time。　“Be　careful；　they’re　hot。”　he　said　as　he　handed　them　to　her；　and　they　sat　across　from　each　other　at　the　small　wooden　table。　Then　realizing　the　tea　was　still　on　the　counter；　Allie　stood　and　brought　it　over。　After　putting　some　vegetables　and　bread　on　their　plates；　Noah　added　a　crab；　and　Allie　sat　for　a　moment；　staring　at　it。

“It　looks　like　a　bug。”

“A　good　bug；　though；”　he　said。　“Here；　let　me　show　you　how　it’s　done。”

He　made　it　look　easy；　removing　the　meat　and　putting　it　on　her　plate。　Allie　crushed　the　legs　too　hard　the　first　time　and　had　to　use　her　fingers　to　get　the　shells　away　from　the　meat。　She　felt　clumsy；　worrying　that　he　saw　every　mistake；　but　then　she　realized　her　own　insecurity。　He　didn’t　care　about　things