new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第31部分

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the　hand　I　moved。　
〃What's　that？〃　He　traded　hands；　examining　my　right。　〃This　is　your　funny　scar；　
the　cold　one。〃　He　looked　at　
it　closer；　with　new　eyes；　and　gasped。　
〃Yes；　it's　what　you　think　it　is；〃　I　said。　〃James　bit　me。〃　
His　eyes　bulged；　and　his　face　turned　a　strange；　sallow　color　under　the　russet　
surface。　He　looked　like　he　
was　about　to　be　sick。　
〃But　if　he　bit　you　？　Shouldn't　you　be　？〃　He　choked。　
〃Edward　saved　me　twice；〃　I　whispered。　〃He　sucked　the　venom　out—you　know；　like　
with　a　rattlesnake。〃　
I　twitched　as　the　pain　lashed　around　the　edges　of　the　hole。　
But　I　wasn't　the　only　one　twitching。　I　could　feel　Jacob's　whole　body　trembling　
next　to　mine。　Even　the　car　
shook。　
〃Careful；　Jake。　Easy。　Ca　in　down。〃　
〃Yeah；〃　he　panted。　〃Calm。〃　He　shook　his　head　back　and　forth　quickly。　After　a　
moment；　only　his　hands　
were　shaking。　
〃You　okay？〃　
〃Yeah；　almost。　Tell　me　something　else。　Give　me　something　else　to　think　about。〃　
〃What　do　you　want　to　know？〃　
〃I　don't　know。〃　He　had　his　eyes　closed；　concentrating。　〃The　extra　stuff　I　
guess。　Did　any　of　the　other　
Cullens　have　extra　talents？　Like　the　mind　reading？〃　
I　hesitated　a　second。　This　felt　like　a　question　he　would　ask　of　his　spy；　not　
his　friend。　But　what　was　the　
point　of　hiding　what　I　knew？　It　didn't　matter　now；　and　it　would　help　him　
control　himself。　
So　I　spoke　quickly；　the　image　of　Emily's　ruined　face　in　my　mind；　and　the　hair　
rising　on　my　arms。　I　couldn't　
imagine　how　the　russet　wolf　would　fit　inside　the　Rabbit—Jacob　would　tear　the　
whole　garage　apart　if　he　
changed　now。　
〃Jasper　could　sort　of　control　the　emotions　of　the　people　around　him。　Not　in　
a　bad　way；　just　to　calm　
someone　down；　that　kind　of　thing。　It　would　probably　help　Paul　a　lot；〃　I　added；　
teasing　weakly。　〃And　then　
Alice　could　see　things　that　were　going　to　happen。　The　future；　you　know；　but　
not　absolutely。　The　things　
she　saw　would　change　when　someone　changed　the　path　they　were　on〃　
Like　how　she'd　seen　me　dying　and　she'd　seen　me　being　one　of　them。　Two　
things　that　had　not　
happened。　And　one　that　never　would。　My　head　started　to　spin—I　couldn't　seem　
to　pull　in　enough　oxygen　
from　the　air。　No　lungs。　
Jacob　was　entirely　in　control　now；　very　still　beside　me。　
〃Why　do　you　do　that？〃　he　asked。　He　tugged　lightly　at　one　of　my　arms；　which　was　
bound　around　my　
chest；　and　then　gave　up　when　it　wouldn't　e　loose　easily。　I　hadn't　even　
realized　I'd　moved　them。　〃You　
do　that　when　you're　upset。　Why？〃　
〃It　hurts　to　think　about　them；〃　I　whispered。　〃It's　like　I　can't　breathe　like　
I'm　breaking　into　pieces〃It　
was　bizarre　how　much　I　could　tell　Jacob　now。　We　had　no　more　secrets。　
He　smoothed　my　hair。　〃It's　okay；　Bella；　it's　okay。　I　won't　bring　it　up　again。　
I'm　sorry。〃　
〃I'm　fine。〃　I　gasped。　〃Happens　all　the　time。　Not　your　fault。〃　
〃We're　a　pretty　messed…up　pair；　aren't　we？〃　Jacob　said。　〃Neither　one　of　us　can　
hold　our　shape　together　
right。〃　
〃Pathetic；〃　I　agreed；　still　breathless。　
〃At　least　we　have　each　other；〃　he　said；　clearly　forted　by　the　thought。　
I　was　forted；　too。　〃At　least　there's　that；〃　I　agreed。　
And　when　we　were　together；　it　was　fine。　But　Jacob　had　a　horrible；　dangerous　
job　he　felt　pelled　to　
do；　and　so　I　was　often　alone；　stuck　in　La　Push　for　safety；　with　nothing　to　do　
to　keep　my　mind　off　any　of　
my　worries。　
I　felt　awkward；　always　taking　up　space　at　Billy's。　I　did　some　studying　for　
another　Calculus　test　that　was　
ing　up　next　week；　but　I　could　only　look　at　math　for　so　long。　When　I　didn't　
have　something　obvious　to　
do　in　my　hands；　
I　felt　like　I　ought　to　be　making　conversation　with　Billy—the　pressure　of　
normal　societal　rules。　But　Billy　
wasn't　one　for　filling　up　the　long　silences；　and　so　the　awkwardness　continued。　
I　tried　hanging　out　at　Emily's　place　Wednesday　afternoon；　for　a　change。　At　
first　it　was　kind　of　nice。　Emily　
was　a　cheerful　person　who　never　sat　still。　I　drifted　behind　her　while　she　
flitted　around　her　little　house　and　
yard；　scrubbing　at　the　spotless　floor；　pulling　a　tiny　weed；　fixing　a　broken　
hinge；　tugging　a　string　of　wool　
through　an　ancient　loom；　and　always　cooking；　too。　She　plained　lightly　about　
the　increase　in　the　boys'　
appetites　from　all　their　extra　running；　but　it　was　easy　to　see　she　didn't　mind　
taking　care　of　them。　It　wasn't　
hard　to　be　with　her—after　all；　we　were　both　wolf　girls　now。　
But　Sam　checked　in　after　I'd　been　there　for　a　few　hours。　I　only　stayed　long　
enough　to　ascertain　that　
Jacob　was　fine　and　there　was　no　news；　and　then　I　had　to　escape。　The　aura　of　
love　and　contentment　that　
surrounded　them　was　harder　to　take　in　concentrated　doses；　with　no　one　else　
around　to　dilute　it。　
So　that　left　me　wandering　the　beach；　pacing　the　length　of　the　rocky　crescent　
back　and　forth；　again　and　
again。　
Alone　time　wasn't　good　for　me。　Thanks　to　the　new　honesty　with　Jacob；　I'd　been　
talking　and　thinking　
about　the　Cullens　way　too　much。　No　matter　how　I　tried　to　distract　myself—and　
I　had　plenty　to　think　of：　I　
was　honestly　and　desperately　worried　about　Jacob　and　his　wolf…brothers；　I　was　
terrified　for　Charlie　and　
the　others　who　thought　they　were　hunting　animals；　I　was　getting　in　deeper　and　
deeper　with　Jacob　without　
ever　having　consciously　decided　to　progress　in　that　direction　and　I　didn't　
know　what　to　do　about　
it—none　of　these　very　real；　very　deserving　of　thought；　very　pressing　concerns　
could　take　my　mind　off　the　
pain　in　my　chest　for　long。　Eventually；　I　couldn't　even　walk　anymore；　because　I　
couldn't　breathe。　I　sat　
down　on　a　patch　of　semidry　rocks　and　curled　up　in　a　ball。　
Jacob　found　me　like　that；　and　I　could　tell　from　his　expression　that　he　
understood。　
〃Sorry；〃　he　said　right　away。　He　pulled　me　up　from　the　ground　and　wrapped　both　
arms　around　my　
shoulders。　I　hadn't　realized　that　I　was　cold　until　then。　His　warmth　made　me　
shudder；　but　at　least　I　could　
breathe　with　him　there。　
〃I'm　ruining　your　spring　break；〃　Jacob　accused　himself　as　we　walked　back　up　
the　beach。　
〃No；　you're　not。　I　didn't　have　any　plans。　I　don't　think　I　like　spring　breaks；　
anyway。〃　
〃I'll　take　tomorrow　morning　off。　The　others　can　run　without　me。　We'll　do　
something　fun。〃　
The　word　seemed　out　of　place　in　my　life　right　now；　barely　prehensible；　
bizarre。　〃Fun？〃　
〃Fun　is　exactly　what　you　need。　Hmm〃　he　gazed　out　across　the　heaving　gray　
waves；　deliberating。　As　his　
eyes　scanned　the　horizon；　he　had　a　flash　of　inspiration。　
〃Got　it！〃　he　crowed。　〃Another　promise　to　keep。〃　
〃What　are　you　talking　about？〃　
He　let　go　of　my　hand　and　pointed　toward　the　southern　edge　of　the　beach；　where　
the　flat；　rocky　
half…moon　dead…ended　against　the　sheer　sea　cliffs。　I　stared；　unprehending。　
〃Didn't　I　promise　to　take　you　cliff　diving？〃　
I　shivered。　
〃Yeah；　it'll　be　pretty　cold—not　as　cold　as　it　is　today。　Can　you　feel　the　
weather　changing？　The　pressure？　
It　will　be　warmer　tomorrow。　You　up　for　it？〃　
The　dark　water　did　not　look　inviting；　and；　from　this　angle；　the　cliffs　looked　
even　higher　than　before。　
But　it　had　been　days　since　I'd　heard　Edward's　voice。　That　was　probably　part　of　
the　problem。　I　was　
addicted　to　the　sound　of　my　delusions。　It　made　things　worse　if　I　went　too　long　
without　them。　Jumping　off　
a　cliff　was　certain　to　remedy　that　situation。　
〃Sure；　I'm　up　for　it。　Fun。〃　
〃It's　a　date；〃　he　said；　and　draped　his　arm　around　my　shoulders。　
〃Okay—now　let's　go　get　you　some　sleep。〃　I　didn't　like　the　way　the　circles　
under　his　eyes　were　beginning　
to　look　permanently　etched　onto　his　skin。　
I　woke　early　the　next　morning　and　snuck　a　change　of　clothes　out　to　the　truck。　
I　had　a　feeling　that　Charlie　
would　approve　of　today's　plan　just　about　as　much　as　he　would　approve　of　the　
motorcycle。　
The　idea　of　a　distraction　from　all　my　worries　had　me　almost　excited。　Maybe　it　
would　be　fun。　A　date　with　
Jacob；　a　date　with　Edward　I　laughed　darkly　to　myself。　Jake　could　say　what　he　
wanted　about　us　being　
a　messed…up　pair—I　was　the　one　who　was　truly　messed　up。　I　made　the　werewolf　
seem　downright　
normal。　
I　expected　Jacob　to　meet　me　out　front；　the　way　he　usually　did　when　my　noisy　
truck　announced　my　
arrival。　When　he　didn't；　I　guessed　that　he　might　still　be　sleeping。　I　would　
wait—let　him　get　as　much　rest　as　
he　could。　He　needed　his　sleep；　and　that　would　give　the　day　time　to　warm　a　bit　
more。　Jake　had　been　right　
about　the　weather；　though；　it　had　changed　in　the　night。　A　thick　layer　of　
clouds　pressed　heavily　on　the　
atmosphere　now；　making　it　almost　sultry；　it　was　warm　and　close　under　the　gray　
blanket。　I　left　my　sweater　
in　the　truck。　
I　knocked　quietly　on　the　door。　
〃C'mon　in；　Bella；〃　Billy　said。　
He　was　at　the　kitchen　table；　eating　cold　cereal。　
〃Jake　sleeping？〃　
〃Er；　no。〃　He　set　his　spoon　down；　and　his　eyebrows　pulled　together。　
〃What　happened？〃　I　demanded。　I　could　tell　from　his　expression　that　something　
had。　
〃Embry；　Jared；　and　Paul　crossed　a　fresh　trail　early　this　morning。　Sam　and　Jake　
took　off　to　help。　Sam　was　
hopeful—she's　hedged　herself　in　beside　the　mountains。　He　thinks　they　have　a　
good　chance　to　finish　this。〃　
〃Oh；　no；　Billy；〃　I　whispered。　〃Oh；　no。〃　
He　chuckled；　deep　and　low。　〃Do　you　really　like　La　Push　so　well　that　you　want　
to　extend　your　sentence　
here？〃　
〃Don't　make　jokes；　Billy。　This　is　too　scary　for　that。〃　
〃You're　right；〃　he　agreed；　still　placent。　His　ancient　eyes　were　impossible　
to　read。　〃This　one's　tricky。〃　
I　bit　my　lip。　
〃It's　not　as　dangerous　for　them　as　you　think　it　is。　Sam　knows　what　he's　doing。　
You're　the　one　that　you　
should　worry　about。　The　vampire　doesn't　want　to　fight　them。　She's　just　trying　
to　find　a　way　around　
them　to　you。〃　
〃How　does　Sam　know　what　he's　doing？〃　I　demanded；　brushing　aside　his　concern　
for　me。　〃They've　only　
killed　just　the　one　vampire—that　could　have　been　luck。〃　
〃We　take　what　we　do　very　seriously；　Bella。　Nothing's　been　forgotten。　
Everything　they　need　to　know　has　
been　passed　down　from　father　to　son　for　generations。〃　
That　didn't　fort　me　the　way　he　probably　intended　it　to。　The　memory　of　
Victoria；　wild；　catlike；　lethal；　
was　too　strong　in　my　head。　If　she　couldn't　get　around　the　wolves；　she　would　
eventually　try　to　go　through　
them。　
Billy　went　back　to　his　breakfast；　I　sat　down　on　the　sofa　and　flipped　aimlessly　
though　the　TV　channels。　
That　didn't　last　long。　I　started　to　feel　closed　in　by　the　small　room；　
claustrophobic；　upset　by　the　fact　that　I　
couldn't　see　out　the　curtained　windows。　
〃I'll　be　at　the　beach；〃　I　told　Billy　abruptly；　and　hurried　out　the　door。　
Being　outside　didn't　help　as　much　as　I'd　hoped。　The　clouds　pushed　down　with　an　
invisible　weight　that　
kept　the　claustrophobia　from　easing。　The　forest　seemed　strangely　vacant　as　I　
walked　toward　the　beach。　I　
didn't　see　any　animals—no　birds；　no　squirrels。　I　couldn't　hear　any　birds；　
either。　The　silence　was　eerie；　
there　wasn't　even　the　sound　of　wind　in　the　trees。　
I　knew　it　was　all　just　a　product　of　the　weather；　but　it　still　made　me　edgy。　
The　heavy；　warm　pressure　of　
the　atmosphere　was　perceptible　even　to　my　weak　human　senses；　and　it　hinted　at　
something　major　in　the　
storm　department。　A　glance　at　the　sky　backed　this　up；　the　clouds　were　churning　
sluggishly　despite　the　
lack　of　breeze　on　the　ground。　The　closest　clouds　were　a　smoky　gray；　but　
between　the　cracks　I　could　see　
another　layer　that　was　a　gruesome　purple　color。　The　skies　had　a　ferocious　plan　
in　store　for　today。　The　
animals　must　be　bunkering　down。　
As　soon　as　I　reached　the　beach；　I　wished　I　hadn't　e—I'd　already　had　enough　
of　this　place。　I'd　been　
here　almost　every　day；　wandering　alone。　Was　it　so　much　different　from　my　
nightmares？　But　where　else　to　
go？　I　trudged　down　to　the　driftwood　tree；　and　sat　at　the　end　so　that　I　could　
lean　against　the　tangled　
roots。　I　stared　up　at　the　angry　sky　broodingly；　waiting　for　the　first　drops　to　
break　the　stillness。　
I　tried　not　to　think　about　the　danger　Jacob　and　his　friends　were　in。　Because　
nothing　could　happen　to　
Jacob。　The　thought　was　unendurable。　I'd　lost　too　much　already—would　fate　take　
the　last　few　shreds　of　
peace　left　behind？　That　seemed　unfair；　out　of　balance。　But　maybe　I'd　violated　
some　unknown　rule；　
crossed　some　line　that　had　condemned　me。　Maybe　it　was　wrong　to　be　so　involved　
with　myths　and　
legends；　to　turn　my　back　on　the　human　world。　Maybe　
No。　Nothing　would　happen　to　Jacob。　I　had　to　believe　that　or　I　wouldn't　be　able　
to　function。　
〃Argh！〃　I　groaned；　and　jumped　off　the　log。　I　couldn't　sit　still；　it　was　worse　
than　pacing。　
I'd　really　been　counting　on　hearing　Edward　this　morning。　It　seemed　like　that　
was　the　one　thing　that　might　
make　it　bearable　to　live　through　this　day。　The　hole　had　been　festering　lately；　
like　it　was　getting　revenge　for　
the　times　that　Jacob's　presence　had　tamed　it。　The　edges　burned。　
The　waves　picked　up　as　I　paced；　beginning　to　crash　against　the　rocks；　but　
there　was　still　no　wind。　I　felt　
pinned　down　by　the　pressure　of　the　storm。　Everything　swirled　around　me；　but　it　
was　perfectly　still　where　I　
stood。　The　air　had　a　faint　electric　charge—I　could　feel　the　static　in　my　
hair。　
Farther　out；　the　waves　were　angrier　than　they　were　along　the　shore。　I　could　
see　them　battering　against　the　
line　of　the　cliffs；　spraying　big　white　clouds　of　sea　foam　into　the　sky。　There　
was　still　no　movement　in　the　
air；　though　the　clouds　roiled　more　quickly　now。　It　was　eerie　looking—like　the　
clouds　were　moving　by　
their　own　will。　I　shivered；　though　I　knew　it　was　just　a　trick　of　the　pressure。　
The　cliffs　were　a　black　knife　edge　against　the　livid　sky。　Staring　at　them；　I　
remembered　the　day　Jacob　had　
told　me　about　Sam　and　his　〃gang。〃　I　thought　of　the　boys—the　werewolves—
throwing　themselves　into　the　
empty　air。　The　image　of　the　falling；　spiraling　figures　was　still　vivid　in　my　
mind。　I　imagined　the　utter　freedom　
of　the　fall　I　imagined　the　way　Edward's　voice　would　have　sounded　in　my　head
—furious；　velvet；　
perfect　The　burning　in　my　chest　flared　agonizingly。　
There　had　to　be　some　way　to　quench　it。　The　pain　was　growing　more　and　more　
intolerable　by　the　second。　
I　glared　at　the　cliffs　and　the　crashing　waves。　
Well；　why　not？　Why　not　quench　it　right　now？　
Jacob　had　promised　me　cliff　diving；　hadn't　he？　Just　because　he　was　
unavailable；　should　I　have　to　give　up　
the　distraction　I　needed　so　badly—needed　even　worse　because　Jacob　was　out　
risking　his　life？　Risking　it；　
in　essence；　for　me。　If　it　weren't　for　me；　Victoria　would　not　be　killing　people　
here　just　somewhere　else；　
far　away。　If　anything　happened　to　Jacob；　it　would　be　my　fault。　That　
realization　stabbed　deep　and　had　me　
jogging　back　up　to　the　road　toward　Billy's　house；　where　my　truck　waited。　
I　knew　my　way　to　the　lane　that　passed　closest　to　the　cliffs；　but　I　had　to　hunt　
for　the　little　path　that　would　
take　me　out　to　the　ledge。　As　I　followed　it；　I　looked　for　turns　or　forks；　
knowing　that　Jake　had　planned　to　
take　me　off　the　lower　outcropping　rather　than　the　top；　but　the　path　wound　in　a　
thin　single　line　toward　the　
brink　with　no　options。　I　didn't　have　time　to　find　another　way　down—the　storm　
was　moving　in　quickly　
now。　The　wind　was　finally　beginning　to　touch　me；　the　clouds　pressing　closer　to　
the　ground。　Just　as　I　
reached　the　place　where　the　dirt　path　fanned　out　into　the　stone　precipice；　the　
first　drops　broke　through