[科幻]宿主-第24部分

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　She　heard　the　implication　behind　my　words。　“She’s　not　winning；　Wanderer。You　are　this　lovely　person　

beside　me。　She’s　just　a　shadow　in　the　corner　of　your　mind。”

　“She　speaks　to　me；　Kathy。　She　still　thinks　her　own　thoughts。　She　still　keeps　her　secrets。”

　“But　she　doesn’t　speak　for　you；　does　she？　I　doubt　I　would　be　able　to　say　as　much　in　your　place。”

　I　didn’t　respond。　I　was　feeling　too　miserable。

　“I　think　you　should　consider　reimplantation。”

　“Kathy；　you　just　said　that　she　would　crush　a　different　soul。　I　don’t　know　if　I　believe　that—you’re　

probably　just　trying　to　do　your　job　and　fort　me。　But　if　sheis　so　strong；　it　wouldn’t　be　fair　to　hand　her　
off　to　someone　else　because　I　can’t　subdue　her。　Who　would　you　choose　to　take　her　on？”

　“I　didn’t　say　that　to　fort　you；　dear。”

　“Then　what　—”

　“I　don’t　think　this　host　would　be　considered　for　reuse。”

　“Oh！”

　A　shiver　of　horror　jolted　down　my　spine。　And　I　wasn’t　the　only　one　who　was　staggered　by　the　idea。

　I　was　immediately　repulsed。　I　was　no　quitter。　Through　the　long　revolutions　around　the　suns　of　my　last　
planet—the　world　of　the　See　Weeds；　as　they　were　known　here—I　had　waited。　Though　the　permanence　
of　being　rooted　began　to　wear　long　before　I’d　thought　it　would；　though　the　lives　of　the　See　Weeds　would　
measure　in　centuries　on　this　planet；　I　had　not　skipped　out　on　the　life　term　of　my　host。　To　do　so　was　

　

　But　we　werenot　wasteful。　We　did　make　whatever　we　took　better；　more　peaceful　and　beautiful。　And　the　
humanswere　brutish　and　ungovernable。　They　had　killed　one　another　so　frequently　that　murder　had　been　
an　accepted　part　of　life。　The　various　tortures　they’d　devised　over　the　few　millennia　they’d　lasted　had　
been　too　much　for　me；　I　hadn’t　been　able　to　bear　even　the　dry　official　overviews。　Wars　had　raged　over　
the　face　of　nearly　every　continent。　Sanctioned　murder；　ordered　and　viciously　effective。　Those　who　lived　
in　peaceful　nations　had　looked　the　other　way　as　members　of　their　own　species　starved　on　their　doorstep。　
There　was　no　equality　to　the　distribution　of　the　planet’s　bounteous　resources。　Most　vile　yet；　their　
offspring—the　next　generation；　which　my　kind　nearly　worshipped　for　their　promise—had　all　too　often　
been　victims　of　heinous　crimes。　And　not　just　at　the　hands　of　strangers；　but　at　the　hands　of　the　caretakers　
they　were　entrusted　to。　Even　the　huge　sphere　of　the　planet　had　been　put　into　jeopardy　through　their　
careless　and　greedy　mistakes。　No　one　could　pare　what　had　been　and　what　was　now　and　not　admit　
that　Earth　was　a　better　place　thanks　to　us。

　You　murder　an　entire　species　and　then　pat　yourselves　on　the　back。

　My　hands　balled　up　into　fists。

　I　could　have　you　disposed　of；I　reminded　her。

　Go　ahead。　Make　my　murder　official。

　I　was　bluffing；　but　so　was　Melanie。

　Oh；　she　thought　she　wanted　to　die。　She’d　thrown　herself　into　the　elevator　shaft；　after　all。　But　that　was　in　
a　moment　of　panic　and　defeat。　To　consider　it　calmly　from　a　fortable　chair　was　something　else　
altogether。　I　could　feel　the　adrenaline—adrenaline　called　into　being　by　her　fear—shoot　through　my　limbs　
as　I　contemplated　switching　to　a　more　pliant　body。

　It　would　be　nice　to　be　alone　again。　To　have　my　mind　to　myself。　This　world　was　very　pleasant　in　so　many　
novel　ways；　and　it　would　be　wonderful　to　be　able　to　appreciate　it　without　the　distractions　of　an　angry；　
displaced　nonentity　who　should　have　had　better　sense　than　to　linger　unwanted　this　way。

　Melanie　squirmed；　figuratively；　in　the　recesses　of　my　head　as　I　tried　to　consider　it　rationally。　Maybe　I　
should　give　up。…

　The　words　themselves　made　me　flinch。　I；　Wanderer；　give　up？　Quit？　Admit　failure　and　try　again　with　a　
weak；　spineless　host　who　wouldn’t　give　me　any　trouble？

　I　shook　my　head。　I　could　barely　stand　to　think　of　it。

　And…　this　wasmy　body。　I　was　used　to　the　feel　of　it。　I　liked　the　way　the　muscles　moved　over　the　bones；　
the　bend　of　the　joints　and　the　pull　of　the　tendons。　I　knew　the　reflection　in　the　mirror。　The　sun…browned　
skin；　the　high；　sharp　bones　of　my　face；　the　short　silk　cap　of　mahogany　hair；　the　muddy　green　brown　hazel　
of　my　eyes—this　was　me。

　I　wanted　myself。　I　wouldn’t　let　what　was　mine　be　destroyed。

　CHAPTER　6　

　

　The　light　was　finally　fading　outside　the　windows。　The　day；　hot　for　March；　had　lingered　on　and　on；　as　if　

reluctant　to　end　and　set　me　free。　
I　sniffled　and　twisted　the　wet　handkerchief　into　another　knot。　“Kathy；　you　must　have　other　obligations。　
Curt　will　be　wondering　where　you　are。”

　“He’ll　understand。”　
“I　can’t　stay　here　forever。　And　we’re　no　closer　to　an　answer　than　before。”　
“Quick　fixes　aren’t　my　specialty。　You　are　decided　against　a　new　host　—”　
“Yes。”　
“So　dealing　with　this　will　probably　take　some　time。”　
I　clenched　my　teeth　in　frustration。　
“And　it　will　go　faster　and　more　smoothly　if　you　have　some　help。”　
“I’ll　be　better　with　making　my　appointments；　I　promise。”　
“That’s　not　exactly　what　I　mean；　though　I　hope　you　will。”　
“You　mean　help…　other　than　you？”　I　cringed　at　the　thought　of　having　to　relive　today’s　misery　with　a　


stranger。　“I’m　sure　you’re　just　as　qualified　as　any　forter—more　so。”　
“I　didn’t　mean　another　forter。”　She　shifted　her　weight　in　the　chair　and　stretched　stiffly。　“How　many　
friends　do　you　have；　Wanderer？”　
“You　mean　people　at　work？　I　see　a　few　other　teachers　almost　every　day。　There　are　several　students　I　

speak　to　in　the　halls。…”　
“Outside　of　the　school？”　
I　stared　at　her　blankly。　
“Human　hosts　need　interaction。　You’re　not　used　to　solitude；　dear。　You　shared　an　entire　planet’s　

thoughts　—”　
“We　didn’t　go　out　much。”　My　attempt　at　humor　fell　flat。　
She　smiled　slightly　and　went　on。　“You’re　struggling　so　hard　with　your　problem　that　it’s　all　you　can　

concentrate　on。　Maybe　one　answer　is　to　not　concentrate　quite　so　hard。　You　said　Melanie　grows　bored　
during　your　working　hours…　that　she　is　more　dormant。　Perhaps　if　you　developed　some　peer　
relationships；　those　would　bore　her　also。”

　I　pursed　my　lips　thoughtfully。　Melanie；　sluggish　from　the　long　day　of　attempted　fort；　did　seem　rather　

　

　Kathy　nodded。　“Get　involved　with　life　rather　than　with　her。”

　“That　makes　sense。”

　“And　then　there　are　the　physical　drives　these　bodies　have。　I’ve　never　seen　or　heard　of　their　equal。　One　
of　the　most　difficult　things　we　of　the　first　wave　had　to　conquer　was　the　mating　instinct。　Believe　me；　the　
humans　noticed　when　you　didn’t。”　She　grinned　and　rolled　her　eyes　at　some　memory。　When　I　didn’t　react　
as　she’d　expected；　she　sighed　and　crossed　her　arms　impatiently。　“Oh；　e　now；　Wanderer。　You　must　
have　noticed。”

　“Well；　of　course；”　I　mumbled。　Melanie　stirred　restlessly。　“Obviously。　I’ve　told　you　about　the　dreams。…”　
“No；　I　didn’t　mean　just　memories。　Haven’t　you　e　across　anyone　that　your　body　has　responded　to　in　

the　present—on　strictly　a　chemical　level？”

　I　thought　her　question　through　carefully。　“I　don’t　think　so。　Not　so　I’ve　noticed。”

　“Trust　me；”　Kathy　said　dryly。　“You’d　notice。”　She　shook　her　head。　“Perhaps　you　should　open　your　eyes　

and　look　around　for　that　specifically。　It　might　do　you　a　lot　of　good。”

　My　body　recoiled　from　the　thought。　I　registered　Melanie’s　disgust；　mirrored　by　my　own。

　Kathy　read　my　expression。　“Don’t　let　her　control　how　you　interact　with　your　kind；　Wanderer。　Don’t　let　

her　control　you。”

　My　nostrils　flared。　I　waited　a　moment　to　answer；　reining　in　the　anger　that　I’d　never　quite　gotten　used　to。

　“She　does　not　control　me。”

　Kathy　raised　an　eyebrow。

　The　anger　tightened　my　throat。　“You　did　not　look　too　far　afield　for　your　current　partner。　Was　that　choice　

controlled？”

　She　ignored　my　anger　and　considered　the　question　thoughtfully。

　“Perhaps；”　she　finally　said。　“It’s　hard　to　know。　But　you’ve　made　your　point。”　She　picked　at　a　string　in　
the　hem　of　her　shirt；　and　then；　as　if　realizing　that　she　was　avoiding　my　gaze；　folded　her　hands　resolutely　
and　squared　her　shoulders。　“Who　knows　how　much　es　from　any　given　host　on　any　given　planet？　As　
I　said　before；　I　think　time　is　probably　your　answer。　Whether　she　grows　apathetic　and　silent　gradually；　
allowing　you　to　make　another　choice　besides　this　Jared；　or…　well；　the　Seekers　are　very　good。　They’re　
already　looking　for　him；　and　maybe　you’ll　remember　something　that　helps。”

　I　didn’t　move　as　her　meaning　sank　in。　She　didn’t　seem　to　notice　that　I　was　frozen　in　place。

　“Perhaps　they’ll　find　Melanie’s　love；　and　then　you　can　be　together。　If　his　feelings　are　as　fervent　as　hers；　
the　new　soul　will　probably　be　amenable。”

　“No！”　I　wasn’t　sure　who　had　shouted。　Itcould　have　been　me。　I　was　full　of　horror；　too。　

　

　“Wanderer？”

　But　I　turned　and　ran　for　the　door；　fighting　the　words　that　could　not　e　out　of　my　mouth。　Words　that　
could　not　be　my　words。　Words　that　made　no　sense　unless　they　were　hers；　but　theyfelt　like　mine。　They　
couldn’t　be　mine。　They　couldn’t　be　spoken。

　That’s　killing　him！　That’s　making　him　cease　to　be！　I　don’t　want　someone　else。　I　wantJared；not　a　
stranger　in　his　body！　The　body　means　nothing　without　him。

　I　heard　Kathy　calling　my　name　behind　me　as　I　ran　into　the　road。

　I　didn’t　live　far　from　the　forter’s　office；　but　the　darkness　in　the　street　disoriented　me。　I’d　gone　two　
blocks　before　I　realized　I　was　running　in　the　wrong　direction。

　People　were　looking　at　me。　I　wasn’t　dressed　for　exercise；　and　I　wasn’t　jogging；　I　was　fleeing。　But　no　
one　bothered　me；　they　politely　averted　their　eyes。　They　would　guess　that　I　was　new　to　this　host。　Acting　
out　the　way　a　child　would。

　I　slowed　to　a　walk；　turning　north　so　that　I　could　loop　around　without　passing　Kathy’s　office　again。

　My　walk　was　only　slightly　slower　than　a　run。　I　heard　my　feet　hitting　the　sidewalk　too　quickly；　as　though　
they　were　trying　to　match　the　tempo　of　a　dance　song。Slap；　slap；　slap　against　the　concrete。　No；　it　wasn’t　
like　a　drumbeat；　it　was　too　angry。　Like　violence。Slap；　slap；　slap。　Someone　hitting　someone　else。　I　
shuddered　away　from　the　horrible　image。

　I　could　see　the　lamp　on　over　my　apartment　door。　It　hadn’t　taken　me　long　to　cover　the　distance。　I　didn’t　
cross　the　road；　though。

　I　felt　sick。　I　remembered　what　it　felt　like　to　vomit；　though　I　never　had。　The　cold　wetness　dewed　on　my　
forehead；　the　hollow　sound　rang　in　my　ears。　I　was　pretty　sure　I　was　about　to　have　that　experience　for　my　
own。

　There　was　a　bank　of　grass　beside　the　walk。　Around　a　streetlamp　there　was　a　well…trimmed　hedge。　I　had　
no　time　to　look　for　a　better　place。　I　stumbled　to　the　light　and　caught　the　post　to　hold　myself　up。　The　
nausea　was　making　me　dizzy。

　Yes；　I　was　definitely　going　to　experience　throwing　up。

　“Wanderer；　is　that　you？　Wanderer；　are　you　ill？”

　The　vaguely　familiar　voice　was　impossible　to　concentrate　on。　But　it　made　things　worse；　knowing　I　had　an　
audience　as　I　leaned　my　face　close　to　the　bush　and　violently　choked　up　my　most　recent　meal。

　“Who’s　your　Healer　here？”　the　voice　asked。　It　sounded　far　away　through　the　buzzing　in　my　ears。　A　hand　
touched　my　arched　back。　“Do　you　need　an　ambulance？”

　I　coughed　twice　and　shook　my　head。　I　was　sure　it　was　over；　my　stomach　was　empty。　

　

　The　Seeker　from　Chicago　had　her　cell　phone　in　her　hand；　trying　to　decide　which　authority　to　call。　I　took　
one　good　look　at　her　and　bent　over　the　leaves　again。　Empty　stomach　or　no；　she　was　the　last　person　I　
needed　to　see　right　now。

　But；　as　my　stomach　heaved　uselessly；　I　realized　that　there　would　be　a　reason　for　her　presence。

　Oh；　no！　Oh；　no　no　no　no　no　no！

　“Why？”　I　gasped；　panic　and　sickness　stealing　the　volume　from　my　voice。　“Why　are　you　here？　What’s　

happened？”　The　forter’s　very　unforting　words　pounded　in　my　head。　
I　stared　at　the　hands　gripping　the　collar　of　the　Seeker’s　black　suit　for　two　seconds　before　I　realized　they　
were　mine。

　“Stop！”　she　said；　and　there　was　outrage　on　her　face。　Her　voice　rattled。　
I　was　shaking　her。　
My　hands　jerked　open　and　landed　against　my　face。　“Excuse　me！”　I　huffed。　“I’m　sorry。　I　don’t　know　


what　I　was　doing。”　
The　Seeker　scowled　at　me　and　smoothed　the　front　of　her　outfit。　“You’re　not　well；　and　I　suppose　I　


startled　you。”　
“I　wasn’t　expecting　to　see　you；”　I　whispered。　“Why　are　you　here？”　
“Let’s　get　you　to　a　Healing　facility　before　we　speak。　If　you　have　a　flu；　you　should　get　it　healed。　There’s　


no　point　in　letting　it　wear　your　body　down。”　
“I　don’t　have　a　flu。　I’m　not　ill。”　
“Did　you　eat　bad　food？　You　must　report　where　you　got　it。”　
Her　prying　was　very　annoying。　“I　did　not　eat　bad　food；　either。　I’m　healthy。”　
“Why　don’t　you　have　a　Healer　check？　A　quick　scan—you　shouldn’t　neglect　your　host。　That’s　


irresponsible。　Especially　when　health　care　is　so　easy　and　effective。”


　I　took　a　deep　breath　and　resisted　the　urge　to　shake　her　again。　She　was　a　full　head　shorter　than　I　was。　It　
was　a　fight　I　would　win。　
A　fight？　I　turned　away　from　her　and　walked　swiftly　toward　my　home。　I　was　dangerously　emotional。　I　

needed　to　calm　down　before　I　did　something　inexcusable。　
“Wanderer？　Wait！　The　Healer　—”　
“I　need　no　Healer；”　I　said　without　turning。　“That　was　just…　an　emotional　imbalance。　I’m　fine　now。”　

　

　She　was　soon　bored。　
“So；　Wanderer…　or　do　you　still　go　by　that　name？　I　don’t　mean　to　be　rude　in　calling　you　that。”　
I　didn’t　look　at　her。　“I　still　go　by　Wanderer。”　
“Interesting。　I　pegged　you　for　one　that　would　choose　her　own。”　
“Idid　choose。　I　chose　Wanderer。”　
It　had　long　been　clear　to　me　that　the　mild　spat　I’d　overheard　the　first　day　I　woke　in　the　Healing　facility　


was　the　Seeker’s　fault。　The　Seeker　was　the　most　confrontational　soul　I’d　e　across　in　nine　lives。　My　
first　Healer；　Fords　Deep　Waters；　had　been　calm；　kind；　and　wise；　even　for　a　soul。　Yet　he　had　not　been　
able　to　help　reacting　to　her。　That　made　me　feel　better　about　my　own　response。


　I　turned　around　to　face　her。　She　was　on　my　small　couch；　nestled　in　fortably　as　if　for　a　long　visit。　Her　


expression　was　self…satisfied；　the　bulging　eyes　amused。　I　controlled　the　desire　to　scowl。　
“Why　are　you　here？”　I　asked　again。　My　voice　was　a　monotone。　Restrained。　I　would　not　lose　control　
again　in　front　of　this　woman。


　“It’s　been　a　while　since　I　heard　anything　from　you；　so　I　thought　I　would　check　in　personally。　We’ve　still　
made　no　headway　in　your　case。”　
My　hands　clamped　down　on　the　edge　of　the　counter　behind　me；　but　I　kept　the　wild　relief　from　my　voice。


　“That　seems…　overzealous。　Besides；　I　sent　you　a　message　last　night。”　
Her　eyebrows　came　together　in　that　way　she　had；　a　way　that　made　her　look　angry　and　annoyed　at　the　
same　time；　as　if　you；　not　she；　were　responsible　for　her　anger。　She　pulled　out　her　palm　puter　and　
touched　the　screen　a　few　times。


　“Oh；”　she　said　stiffly。　“I　haven’t　checked　my　mail　today。”　
She　was　quiet　as　she　scanned　through　what　I　had　written。　
“I　sent　it　very　early　in　the　morning；”　I　said。　“I　was　half　asleep　at　the　time。　I’m　not　sure　how　much　of　what　


I　wrote　was　memory　or　dream；　or　sleep…typing；　maybe。”　
I　went　along　with　the　words—Melanie’s　words—as　they